Brandi Show full post »
ralbano wrote:
Surviving and Urban,
Just alittle back ground.  I've already done the 180 process. I'm in a good place.  I'm not angry at all.  I'm in the process of working on  me.  Right now I am working on answering " How do I want my story to be told when this is all over".  I know I am an amazing husband, I sucked at being a boyfriend.  I'm sure working  too much put  me in this position.  I am an amazing father and dad.  I want to continue developing my relationships with my 3 children.  I know that this will eventually pass,  I will be ready to recreate a marriage/friendship with my wife. I can't control her decisions but I can control me. 
So, I am hurt by the Valentine's day card being thrown out. I didn't say anything mushy.  Just that she has been  my Valentine for 20 years and I would be wrong not to say Happy Valentine's Day.  Anniversary I  feel is different, our marriage is dead.  That was her choice.  
Explain why I should win her back?  I have admitted what I did wrong and  invited her to join  me in building a new marriage. She chooses to remain with her AP. 
Do what I normally do???      it  would be jewelry, dinner and alot more. You can forget that.  

If she isn't in the house with you, and is living with her AP, I probably would not even acknowledge your anniversary at this time. I might get a card and write a letter to give to her later.

Sounds like she is angry at you and still blaming you for the things you did that she thinks make it OK for her having the affair. My husband did this especially in the beginning. But it has become less and less as the fog of the affair has worn off.

It's amazing to me what people will do and think to justify their actions.
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ralbano wrote:
I have a question.  I probably already know the answer but posting here and reviewing comments always helps me.  It's like a venting that keeps on giving.  
So, next week is my 18 Anniversary.  I know better than to say Happy Anniversary.  There is nothing happy in my house for the past 3 months.  I always try to be looking towards the future.  When she comes back.  Should I buy a card and save it?   I did give her a card for Valentine's Day, she threw it out.  It hurt to hear her say that but I guess I didn't quite understand her mindset.  And what about Mother's day? Any suggestions?  I find it better if I think about these things ahead of time.  


It's a difficult situation and one that I've gone through also as the BS.  Last July was our 29th wedding anniversary and I really didn't know what to do either.  I really didn't feel like celebrating anything anyway or even making any kind of inroads to simply acknowledge the occasion.
But then I got to thinking that actually I was worrying about it too much when he should have been the one to have been wondering what to do. He already knew how I felt about things and that I was prepared to work to restore our marriage.  I had nothing else to 'prove' at this time.

In the end I made a token effort, got a card, but kept what I put in it, very simple, writing something like, 'thinking of you today'. 
He turned up with no card, but gave me a huge bunch of flowers, so at least he had thought enough to do something.  I was so surprised I promptly burst into tears.  I honestly thought he wouldn't even bother.

Maybe just keeping it low key would be the best thing to do, let her make more of an effort if that is what she wants to do, and if she doesn't bother, and least you can say YOU tried.

And if your children are too young to be able to take care of mother's day themselves, then I just think you take over as normal. It is from them after all. 
If I've got this wrong though, I'm sorry, I can't remember your exact circumstances and how she acts with them? 

Have to say though, like Sunflower07, (having just read the latest post from you) that if she is living with her AP, then she has made a choice, at least for now, and I certainly wouldn't want to acknowledge my anniversary in this situation. If she so clearly doesn't want her marriage right now..why should you bother? Sorry if I confused you!
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