Jennifer
I was recently listening to a podcast from Oprah's Super Soul Sunday where she interviewed Brene Brown about her book, Rising Strong. The topic and discussion reminded me of this forum and everyone here who dares to rise strong and heal from the pain and trauma of infidelity, in their marriages or as individuals. I am going to include the link to the podcast and leave you with two quotes that really stood out to me: 


1."In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die. Forgiveness involves grief."

I couldn't help but think how true that is in affair situations. We have to grieve the loss of the spouse we thought we knew, the marriage we thought we had, and the future we had envisioned for ourselves in order to forgive our spouses. I never really thought of it in that way but was struck by the truth of these words.

2. "There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics and fearmongers Than those of us who are willing to fall Because we have learned how to rise With skinned knees and bruised hearts; We choose owning our stories of struggle, Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending. When we deny our stories, they define us. When we run from struggle, we are never free. So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye. We will not be characters in our stories. Not villains, not victims, not even heroes. We are the authors of our lives. We write our own daring endings. We craft love from heartbreak, Compassion from shame, Grace from disappointment, Courage from failure. Showing up is our power. Story is our way home. Truth is our song. We are the brave and brokenhearted. We are rising strong.” 

I will not even add anything to this quote because she says it all here. How I hope that is what I have done with my story.
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BorealJ
Confabulation.  What a great concept for understanding much of what goes on before, during and after an affair.  It's also a good reason why some deeper than surface digging should be done in the explorations and perhaps also for revisiting some topics after some insight is gained.

A question about the reckoning.  How does one practice this?  It's easy to do after an event, but how do you practice catching yourself before reacting poorly? 
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Jennifer
BorealJ,

I think the start is bringing awareness to this issue and knowing your triggers. I f you know certain things will cause a reaction then it is digging deep to explore the why of this happening. What can be helpful is to have a list of alternate ways of reacting to turn to. Sometimes it is giving yourself time to thing and calm down before reacting to something.

In affair situations or after trauma, this can be difficult to do but with time, patience, and practice you can learn a different response. If it is too close to DDay then it is probably not possible to catch yourself from reacting due to the pain and hurt. If you have a responsive partner who knows how to help you then that can be useful as well.
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