Kiki
Community members,
I seek your opinion.  I am currently plagued by grief and self doubt.  My WS left me/us saying he wanted to be alone on Dec 27th.  I then found out that he went to our family vacation home with his AP.  I struggled with telling our children what I had found out.

My girls are 22(bday 27th), 20 and 18. I asked my IC if I should tell them.   He advised me to tell them, stating “they had endured enough lies.”   Our story is complicated, but the important part is that my girls told me about the affair and all of the subsequent indiscretions throughout our year of “reconciliation.” Without them, I would still be living of life of lies.

Now I am suffering through self doubt.  The girls (and I) have not spoken to him since he left. He is devastated that his children will not talk to him and constantly blames me.  It is a very sad situation. He is very powerful with many connections and reminds me everyday that our children are missing out on what he can offer them.... jobs, connections, opportunities.  But they want nothing to do with him. I encourage them to speak to him and answer his texts but they refuse. They get mad at me when I talk to them about their father and try to persuade a relationship. 

Did I make a mistake in telling them?   I feel guilty.... but is it because he is making me feel this way?  He tells me I am using them as a weapon against him.  I am not. 
It pains me to see them hate their father so much. But he did this!!!   He lied to all of us for years! But sometimes it also pains me to hear them feel a little remorse for him ( which is not too often)

Have I created this terrible situation?  We have my daughters’ bday On Tuesday. Easter, another bday in April and a school graduation in June. And they don’t want him around! 

What am I suppose to do?  It is me who he constantly texts, asking to be involved. And then accuses me.

Should I have protected them from the monster he is?
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”
Separated

Married 25 years, together 35
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surviving
Kiki - we told our children (ages 13-31).  They had to know because the affair caused a job loss, loss of housing that went with the job, and we had no place to go.  

Your children are old enough that they should know why Dad is acting weird.  If it were me, I wouldn't answer his text, phone calls or him showing up at the door.  Do the "180" and let him decide what he wants.  This will give you time to heal, and your daughters to heal.  If it were me, I wouldn't invite him to any event.  If he shows up, oh well, let him deal with the consequences and the girls ignoring him. 

Just a weird thought:  Why is he contacting you?  If he wants a relationship with his children, he should be contacting them.  He is trying to manipulate you and putting you in the middle of his relationship with his children.  Typical of the fog and wanting his cake and eating it too.  
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Trinity
surviving wrote:
Why is he contacting you?  If he wants a relationship with his children, he should be contacting them.  He is trying to manipulate you and putting you in the middle of his relationship with his children.  Typical of the fog and wanting his cake and eating it too.  


Yes, why is he contacting you??  Solely to keep control of the situation and to scare and manipulate you.  Your children are certainly old enough to understand and to make their own decisions.  They can decide how they want to feel about their father and if they want to answer and send txt.

You are NOT doing anything wrong and your WS wants you to feel differently so (like said above) he can have his cake and eat it too.  Keep in mind that HE created this, NOT you.  

I agree that you should have VERY minimal contact with him.  Your girls will do what feels right for them.  Stay strong and go about this with dignity and grace.  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Ginger
Of course you feel guilty....bc you feel for others than just yourself.  Unlike your husband who seems to care only about himself.   He did this, he destroyed your family and broke your daughters' trust and relationships with him.  Not you.  But it's easier for him to blame you than to look in the mirror and see the mess he created.  
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Kiki
Thank you!
I woke this morning to a page of texts from him.  He sent me my daughter’s response to his 1;30am text to our girls. Of course accusing me of influencing them.
I simply asked why he is texting me.

I also asked him to prepare something legal so he can exit my life.

You are all correct.  He is trying to manipulate. He is using scare tactics.  He can’t handle the loss of control over me and the girls. And of course, he can’t accept blame. Still blames me for his affair.
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”
Separated

Married 25 years, together 35
Quote 1 0
Kiki
Can someone please explain the 180 to me. Or tell me where I can read about it. 
It has been a while and I can not find anything on it.
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”
Separated

Married 25 years, together 35
Quote 0 0
surviving
Kiki - someone else posted this explaining the "180".  I hope this helps.

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back.  Don’t always be so available…for anything!  Your spouse will notice.  More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.  Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper.  No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER.  No show of temper!  Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control.  YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).  In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.  Hear what it is that they are saying!  Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation.  No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you.  Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.  It’s not always about you!  More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see.  Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable.  Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid.  Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.  It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent!  It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.  This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual.  Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.  Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

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Be_amazing
Kiki don’t feel bad. When my WS spouse chose his AP (I asked him to leave the family home) this lasted for about 2.5 months. I stood firm and told him “if he chooses to be w OW this behavior is not ok in my home, what am I teaching my children” so I set a schedule he picks up the kids and takes them home. He hated it, I was bad and I wanted to control how things were, etc. yes I did feel horribly but I reminded him there are consequences to his choices. He played the victim mentality “yah, all my fault” bull crap. I didn’t budge, as much as it hurt me I had to “look” strong. 
BS-
Together 20yrs, Married 11
3 children 
DDAY 9/2017, 10/2017, 2/2018
Quote 1 0
Kiki
Thank you 🙏 
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”
Separated

Married 25 years, together 35
Quote 0 0
MITM
surviving wrote:
Kiki - someone else posted this explaining the "180".  I hope this helps.

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back.  Don’t always be so available…for anything!  Your spouse will notice.  More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.  Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper.  No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER.  No show of temper!  Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control.  YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).  In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.  Hear what it is that they are saying!  Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation.  No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you.  Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.  It’s not always about you!  More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see.  Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable.  Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid.  Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.  It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent!  It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.  This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual.  Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.  Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


That's a brilliant summation. I would only add one thing: don't do it as a tactic. Just do it for you.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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