Kelaine53
Got thru the holidays very well and then the new year hit. During Christmas I was very optimistic about us.  Now I feel like it would be better for me to throw in the towel. It is nothing my FWH is doing now but I think some things maybe just TOO big. His 6.5 year affair was really 3 affsirs with the same AP. 1 year PA (they met in a chatroom). 2.5 yrs texts, phone calls and email when he lost his job and could not cover traveling to see her. Then 3 years PA when he got a new job. Just the words 6 an a half years send me over the cliff.  Why try so hard? I am exhausted. Don't know if I would feel better alone but I don't think it would be worse. This up and down is killing me.

Anyone else feel this way?
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anthropoidape
I do, but it is patchy. I don't go over the cliff as much. You are right about the scale of it. It is just such a huge thing.

Why try so hard? I don't know. Stop trying so hard. There's a very big range from "trying hard to make everything okay" down to "leaving". You can just stop trying so hard; it doesn't mean you're leaving. You can just be a bit, "yeah whatever" about the marriage for a while.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Kelaine53
Thanks Anthro, i need to be away from all of this for a while. The lows keep feeling lower.
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Keepabuzz
There was a while back maybe months 6-8 after D-day that I just went numb. I didn’t feel very sad, or angry, or happy. I just didn’t feel anything, like I was a zombie. I think my heart, mind and soul just couldn’t take anymore and I just shutdown. I think it was good for me. Like you said, I needed a break. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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GingerHoneyBunny
Every single miserable day. I even just told my WW last Saturday I'm done and we r getting a divorce. And then on Sunday, I forgot almost everything I said and we r good again. And then Monday to Friday, I feel like leaving her again. Tired yes. Crazy yes. So darn tired. But the antidepressant helps. Also I have my emergency anxiety drug if I get a panic attack. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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arizons
Keepabuzz wrote:
There was a while back maybe months 6-8 after D-day that I just went numb. I didn’t feel very sad, or angry, or happy. I just didn’t feel anything, like I was a zombie. I think my heart, mind and soul just couldn’t take anymore and I just shutdown. I think it was good for me. Like you said, I needed a break. 

I still go in and out of feeling numb. 
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Vanessa
How do YOU feel in your current situation?  It sounds like it is not working out well for you - stressed, etc.  Your WS made a SERIES OF CHOICES and you are stuck with the lion's share of the consequences. 
You owe your WS nothing (except not having an affair because that is just cowardly) - if this is not working - you can decide that you want a trial, or permanent separation, a divorce, an open marriage, whatever and communicate that to your spouse. 
What you allow is what will continue.  I would NOT live like this after having been lied to for 6 and a half years.  Hugs and peace to you
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DorothyJane7
The roller coaster is real. Mine (currently?) has less extreme ups and downs, or maybe just more ups. Funny that I can't really tell for sure. I'm always sure a down is likely coming. Peace has felt more within my grasp lately. I'm not sure why. 

The only real difference is that I've been limiting the time I spend talking about the affair (or reading/commenting here). I limit it and attack thoughts of it with all the positives I have to think about too. I read that was a key to rebuilding my marriage an I didn't feel like limiting was possible. But I got busy with the holidays, lots of travel, illness and lots of kiddo-time. It just happened and I feel I turned a corner. I think I'm going to impose calendar/weekly limits and see if it helps. Just a thought. My formerly WS has been a champion the past year and has supported me in almost every way (to the best of his ability). He is all-in 100%. And I'm 15 months out, so I know we're all in different places of healing. 

Best to you all 😉
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