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takeitfromme
Leticia wrote:
Thank you all for your replies. But it's been two years and I cannot seem to be getting over it. It doesn't even seem like I'm getting any better - at least a little. I never wanted to become an angry bitter person I used to talk about and I'm more angry At my husband for turning me into one of those people. My husband is doing everything to try to make our marriage work, but I cannot seem to get past it or forgive his betrayal. I feel like I am becoming obsessed over this and I just don't know how to get over this. And sometimes I wonder if by having a revenge affair will help me get over it.






I'm not gonna lie...I had a few revenge flings and yes indeed I feel it helped. This followed a few years of my husband cheating on me multiple times with strippers (sexual favors given to him during expensive VIP rooms he'd paid for when we were cash strapped and I was at home taking care of the kids or working at the underappreciative stressful job I hated so much). He also lied and denied for a few years even when I found evidence and demanded answers, and even after I spent money (more money spent that we really couldn't afford to spend) on marriage therapy to try and get to the root of his suspicious apparently adulterous behavior. So yes, eventually I stopped waiting for a confession and hooked up with a few strippers (male strippers in my case) myself.

One thing though is, I'm sexually liberal and had previously been promiscuous and kosher with one night stands years back. I'm somewhat spiritual but never believed God condemns for something as natural and euphoric as premarital sex. I also had very very strong convictions since my teen years that if you get cheated on, you de-chump by cheating back. I've also been obsessed for years with the idea of female sexual liberation and bucking society's expectations that women accept being more sexually prudish and reserved than "boys who will be boys". So I already had no morals against cheating back. I felt no guilt or remorse, but instead felt vindicated, confident, and attractive. I wasn't planning to tell my husband unless I caught him in the act of cheating, at which point I could throw up what I did for spite. I see my cheatings as secret revenge because I did it to reclaim my lost confidence, de-chumpify, and even the playing field. But I also felt I'd be an idiotic subservient fool like Anna Duggar if I stayed loyal. Divorce was not a viable option for me, financially or family wise, long story short. I was in a severely depressed state from his cheatings to the point that it adversely affected my mental health and literally ruined my career (albeit at a stressful job I already mostly hated; but the cheatings, which occurred mostly while I was at work and paying 65% of my net pay towards childcare for our kids, made me resent the thankless job that much more because its long hours allowed my husband to get away with cheating). I knew I wouldn't be able to move past this, let alone reconcile, if I didn't act out. In fact, I refused to let myself get over it and essentially be a chump like Anna Duggar.

So that's why I did what I did. It had me realizing that I really want an open marriage or at least a swingers arrangement. I no longer see my husband as a monogamous life partner but as a domestic partner/coparent who's like a friend with benefits. So yes, it helped me "get over" some aspects of his cheatings. It helped me stop obsessing about the mere principle that he likely (later confirmed) did sexual stuff with other women. However, my affairs did not erase all the pain; I still feel resentful about the principles of lying and disrespect towards me, and how he strung me and multiple therapists along with fake truths for so long, having me question my sanity and intuition in the process. But yes it's helped more than hurt, definitely. It also calmed me down somewhat about the whole infidelity topic...so calm, that my husband figured out I'd probably strayed to some extent if I was no longer a skittish frantic mess about it, at which point he finally felt comfortable enough to confess to the sexual favors he'd received. So not only did I vindicate myself and even the playing field so I could get emotional closure partway, but by cheating back, I got my husband to be more honest. He felt there's no point hiding something I can relate to. He is not happy about what I did, but he's humble and empathetic as to why I needed to. I realize not all spouses are like this; many are chauvinistic hypocrites. If he was like that, I wouldn't care if he wanted to end things (so I still would have cheated) because why would I want to stay with a sexual hypocrite anyway??
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GingerHoneyBunny
I'm about 11 weeks in discovery of my wife's affair. As a couple, I have been the more attractive partner. I've never had to work hard for a Gf and it's not unusual to have admirers. Ironic that it is my wife who has the affair. Looking at the AP she seems to be affairing down. While we are working to save the marriage, I too can't help but to feel I may get involved in an affair myself in my vulnerability. Sometimes, the pain does tell me to get even. Though I'm not sure it's the best thing to do as I may not feel remorseful and will likely keep it a secret. I hope after 2 yrs you will not fall into the same trap our WS fell when they got trapped in their own affair and choices leading up to it. I have returned my marriage ring to my WS and she is now really afraid and jealous whenever she catches other woman looking or stealing a glance at me. For what she did, I think she deserves a little jealousy. Just imagine how we BS actually feel. Your spouse in the arms of another... Hmm.... Only time will tell if we BS can resist our own temptations. Esp if you are very attractive. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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anthropoidape
They all "affair down". All the cases I've seen anyway. It's an odd consistent feature. Great expression by the way.

I have had the impulse a few times since d-day. I have had the opportunity,  or at least the opportunity to make the opportunity. But I haven't done it. I think as things now stand the only way I will be involved with anyone new will be after I have left my wife. I don't want to be the other kind of person. I also think it evens the scales too much - not only do you get them back by having an affair, you also sink to their level by becoming a liar and a cheat. 

Ultimately though I don't think I could condemn a BS who had a revenge affair. I guess I also do worry about what will happen if someone really tries to seduce me. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz
I don’t recommend a revenge affair.  I travel regularly for business, and I am in high level role, and am not unattractive. I have had opportunities over the years, before her affair, when the marriage was bad, and after her affair with almost zero chance of getting caught.  What stopped me was integrity.  I would never give my wife, or anyone else the ability to look my children in the eye and tell them that their father is a dirtbag.  

Secondly, there is no way the pain that you would inflict wife would equal the pain since has inflicted upon you.  Her moral compass is already skewed. Her jealously comes likely form the fact that she “deserves” you to something like that. My wife also got very jealous after d-day, seems very strange to me. You were out banging the dirtbag at work and have the nerve to get jealous!?!?!  I told her in the early months after d-day that’s when I look at other women, I don’t even think about if they are attractive or not, I just think about if they are capable of being faithful...

If you decide to be with someone else, leave your wife. I’m not of the opinion that you need to wait until your divorced to be with someone else.  As far as I’m concerned I was divorced the instant my wife cheated on me, I just didn’t know it.  I don’t consider myself married today, although legally i am.  I haven not violated any of my vows, and I won’t, but I’m not bound by them in any way.  That marriage is dead.  One day we may “renew” our vows. For her it will be a “renewal”, for me it will be remarriage. The only way I could even consider staying was that it was a new relationship. Mind games with myself I guess. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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GingerHoneyBunny
anthropoidape wrote:
They all "affair down". All the cases I've seen anyway. It's an odd consistent feature. Great expression by the way.

I have had the impulse a few times since d-day. I have had the opportunity,  or at least the opportunity to make the opportunity. But I haven't done it. I think as things now stand the only way I will be involved with anyone new will be after I have left my wife. I don't want to be the other kind of person. I also think it evens the scales too much - not only do you get them back by having an affair, you also sink to their level by becoming a liar and a cheat. 

Ultimately though I don't think I could condemn a BS who had a revenge affair. I guess I also do worry about what will happen if someone really tries to seduce me. 


My wife met the AP's wife before just before the affair exploded. She even sent me a picture of them in Dec 2016 at a wedding dinner which all 3 of them attended. My wife tells me that the AP's wife is pretty sexy with long legs and pretty. So, even the AP was affairing down...why the hell would he want my wife of 3 kids? She is way shorter, does not have sexy long legs and definitely not as pretty. Why the hell?  Just that the AP's wife is boring, cold, distant and frigid in bed...Well, my wife also complained that I was bloody cold and distant...So both of you guys felt lonely and unfulfilled with your own marriages, but why the hell do you guys need to take a sledgehammer and actively destroy everything about your own marriages? why you guys did not just drag us kicking and screaming to counselling but instead chose having an affair? why? the funny thing, i agree both betrayed spouses are boring and stupid. So stupid that we both were the ones running out of our homes instead of kicking these adultering duo out....that's really stupid...
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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GingerHoneyBunny
Keepabuzz wrote:
I don’t recommend a revenge affair.  I travel regularly for business, and I am in high level role, and am not unattractive. I have had opportunities over the years, before her affair, when the marriage was bad, and after her affair with almost zero chance of getting caught.  What stopped me was integrity.  I would never give my wife, or anyone else the ability to look my children in the eye and tell them that their father is a dirtbag.  

Secondly, there is no way the pain that you would inflict wife would equal the pain since has inflicted upon you.  Her moral compass is already skewed. Her jealously comes likely form the fact that she “deserves” you to something like that. My wife also got very jealous after d-day, seems very strange to me. You were out banging the dirtbag at work and have the nerve to get jealous!?!?!  I told her in the early months after d-day that’s when I look at other women, I don’t even think about if they are attractive or not, I just think about if they are capable of being faithful...

If you decide to be with someone else, leave your wife. I’m not of the opinion that you need to wait until your divorced to be with someone else.  As far as I’m concerned I was divorced the instant my wife cheated on me, I just didn’t know it.  I don’t consider myself married today, although legally i am.  I haven not violated any of my vows, and I won’t, but I’m not bound by them in any way.  That marriage is dead.  One day we may “renew” our vows. For her it will be a “renewal”, for me it will be remarriage. The only way I could even consider staying was that it was a new relationship. Mind games with myself I guess. 


yeah, i've got to agree...coming feb 2018 i will be taking on a new job with about 50% travel requirements. The new job will be with a large american insurer. I will be meeting a lot more people. That means a lot more opportunities for meeting interesting and interested ladies.Im turning 37 soon and my wife is really worried i will keep my word on moving out for separation in Feb 2018 for my new job.Now, I look in the mirror and really notice that hey, i'm getting better with age...while she's losing hair and stuff...i'm just aging like fine wine...she is even jealous of my past relationships. of course, she feels guilty too. We were college sweet hearts. But just before i dated my wife, i was seeing some one from home town for about 6-8 months. finally, it broke i guess due to the long distance and other stuff. now, out of guilt and shame, my wife feels i would have been happier with my ex...well who knows...but i did choose you to be my wife...is that not something? Now you get afraid and jealous, well, you have some nerve....i basically told her that whatever the past i still chose you...and you were my one and only sexual partner...never had anyone before and after you. Can you imagine how jealous i feel now, I put it back to my wife. I'm gonna give myself time to really consider while we go thru counseling. But, right now, im pretty vulnerable and willing to listen to any offers, esp if the lady can show me that she deserves me and is as attractive as me. One thing i learned i that never go with a man or woman who is way above your league. u will tend to give yourself all sorts of justification to affair down...one it is, is "maintenance is tiring". Yeah, that's a new one, apparently im a high maintenance kind of guy. well, dont blame for my good taste, Quality comes at a price (yup, i said it, i told my wife that, you want quality, u gotta pay for it girl). and i'm not gonna be the one pursuing you in this marriage now. If you want me, you gotta work your ass off...

Sometimes, i do feel i deserve a better person. someone who takes care of me, not insecure, confident and FAITHFUL. I do think that if i do meet some one nice in my new life at my new job, perhaps, just perhaps, I will leave my wife...esp since we have no more vows or obligations to keep to her....But, having said that, remember "For better or for worse". She chose the affair during the worst of my time....Should i now honor my vow to care and be there for her during the worst of our marriage life? or leave?...hmm....undecided....I'm not God...I just cant be expected to like Jesus welcoming and cleansing his unfaithful church(bride)...im just a guy...well, some people can...i dont know if i can...our marriage will always have this scar, this dark blot, this unholy presence...dilemmas again...i hate being here...this is worse than a love triangle, it 4 people, me, my wife, her AP, and the poor AP's wife...it just so disgusting to think about it...all 4 people basically being shared intimately with and between the parties in the affair..ewwww...EWWW!!!
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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Keepabuzz
I know it seems very strange for your wife to be jealous, but as time has gone on I have gained a better understanding of it. My wife was the same way. I think shame plays a big role in it. What she did was unbelievably shameful. The worst thing she has ever done in her entire life. I think while the affair is active she felt guilt, and likely a bit of shame. But D-day and beyond, seeing first hand the destruction. Living in that destruction everyday, and she only really sees pieces of it. 

My wife saw me go from this strong man since the day she met me. Never once shed a tear, always confident, outgoing, etc. Then D-day, she then saw the rage like never in her life, then as the weeks went on she saw the dispair, deep sadness, weakness, insecurity, pain, more tears than I had cried my entire life. Literally a shell of the man I was, she destroyed me, and she now knew it, and there was no escaping it. So then the real shame came to her. She knew that I deserved better than her, and that she deserved far less than me. Then the fear, the fear of me leaving as she deserved, or the fear that I would leave on a business trip and the next call she got would have been the police doing the next of kin notification because the pain was too much to bear. 

She actually suggested that maybe a friend should store my firearms for a while. I was not hearing that, but honestly, it would have been prudent at the time. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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GingerHoneyBunny
Keepabuzz wrote:
I know it seems very strange for your wife to be jealous, but as time has gone on I have gained a better understanding of it. My wife was the same way. I think shame plays a big role in it. What she did was unbelievably shameful. The worst thing she has ever done in her entire life. I think while the affair is active she felt guilt, and likely a bit of shame. But D-day and beyond, seeing first hand the destruction. Living in that destruction everyday, and she only really sees pieces of it. 

My wife saw me go from this strong man since the day she met me. Never once shed a tear, always confident, outgoing, etc. Then D-day, she then saw the rage like never in her life, then as the weeks went on she saw the dispair, deep sadness, weakness, insecurity, pain, more tears than I had cried my entire life. Literally a shell of the man I was, she destroyed me, and she now knew it, and there was no escaping it. So then the real shame came to her. She knew that I deserved better than her, and that she deserved far less than me. Then the fear, the fear of me leaving as she deserved, or the fear that I would leave on a business trip and the next call she got would have been the police doing the next of kin notification because the pain was too much to bear. 

She actually suggested that maybe a friend should store my firearms for a while. I was not hearing that, but honestly, it would have been prudent at the time. 


I know, it's so strange and devastating at the same time.. I feel so much in the same boat... While I was never sort of an extrovert, she did fault my old confidence as being arrogant. Probably due to her inferiority complex which may partly explain the affairing down. Totally agree, WSs generally don't understand the devastation they cause until they really see it with their own eyes. Their husband or wife crying daily and totally losing their minds. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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