strength1
A recap of my story first: H had been in a secret affair from August 2017. This was long-distance until July 2019, when the AP sold everything in her home country and went to live with H.  He moved out of the family home in February 2019, and I found out about the affair in June 2019.  

In September 2019 he told me he saw his future with me, but that it would take time for him to break up with AP because she is fragile (suicide-prone) and because she literally left everything behind (including 4 old kids) in order to be with him.  He only broke up with her in January 2020, but it was not a clean break-up, and although he moved back to the family home in March, he was still covertly seeing her or speaking with her, albeit randomly.   

For the last months we've been getting along really well (we've always fit really well together), but no sexual intimacy - AP was still a barrier. 

A few days ago, AP ended up in ER (suicide attempt), the day after H spent the day with her, and yesterday he told me he is still in love with her and wants us to separate again.  This, despite telling me how much of a good fit we are, how unstable and needy she is, and how our problem is that he doesn't desire me.  And he also says he's (again) very confused, questions who he is, and is trying to align his head and his heart in one way or the other.   He says he wants to be happy, and he wants everyone to be happy. 

I asked him to leave the house and I wanted a divorce, and he asked that I wait until after his next psychotherapy session, which is tomorrow night, and then we talk again. 

I am so so tired of being on a rollercoaster for the last couple of years. I have been acting as his "wise person" for a year now, and I thought it was working, but now I am tired of trying to lead the way and I want out. Yet at the same time I KNOW that he's acting under the influence of something in his head, because the real him is wise, has a strong value system and wants an easy life (something he will definitely not get once the fact that he left the family home for another woman comes to light, and once he becomes a single father. 

On the one hand I want to go for a divorce and stop feeling 2nd grade, but on the other hand I don't want to push him into something when he's not thinking clearly. 

I appreciate your thoughts on any of this.
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Damaged

Oh boy, I’m so sorry. I’ll give you my thoughts but I’m not sure you will like them.  

You said that he broke up with her in January but he is still seeing her? You know about this and are allowing it? That’s an open marriage. He spent the day with her and then she ended up in the hospital. The affair is on going an never ended. 

He wants everyone to be happy. Well that’s not going to happen. At least one person will end up unhappy.

You said that the real him is wise and has a strong value system. He is neither! He has shown you who he is and you should believe him. 

Last of all, he says that he doesn’t desire you. You deserve so much better than this. 

Sister, time to put your B***h boots on. 180 his butt. You need to do so many things which do not include staying with him. 

1) STD testing
2) see a lawyer ASAP, find out your rights. 
3) get him out 
4) take care of yourself. 

I’m so sorry. He will never change and you deserve better. Hugs 

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strength1

So, this is it for me. Just had a discussion with H, where he tells me that he's going to move out tomorrow and go and live with OW. We will tell the children this afternoon. He says that 3 separate psychologists have told him that he needs to go after what fulfills him and not to think in "structures". He says that our problem is that we have the same male energy, and that I don't make him feel like a man. He says also that our problem is that we're very similar (!). He also says that over the past months he's tried to find passion for me but could not, and that he did try to get over OW but did not manage. I wonder how this was possible, since OW was still staying in his rented room for the last months and he was seeing her every couple of weeks at least.

I am dumbfounded how he can think that a very strong partnership in literally everything is actually not a good idea. He does not want to go to marital counselling, to work on finding the spark again, although there is soooo much evidence showing that you can rekindle the passion again.

The best thing is that he does not want me to tell family and friends that we're separating because he's leaving me for another woman. He says the truth is that he lost the spark many years ago (after the children were born, so around 12 years ago) and that he was never able to talk to me about it.  I told him that in 24 years I had never stopped being in love with him, and (again) he said that it didn't look like that to him. Assuming he forgot the years post-children, surely the last 1.5 years that I have been standing strong and waiting for him should have shown him that. Or am I delusional?  

And the really best thing is that he thinks we can continue to be each other's best friend (in the true sense) and that we should continue to do social things together - like go to friends' houses for BBQs or parties - together. And that he will always be there when I need him.  What is he thinking??

He says he's happy to finally see things with clarity but he is not relieved. He is not even sure if the relationship with OW will continue in the long-term.

Again this feeling that he is rewriting history and seeing the present through rose-tinted glasses, but at this point I accept it. I will be moving on, communicating to family and friends which for me is the hardest bit, and talking to lawyers. And keeping the demons away from my head. Will I ever get her face out of my head...

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surviving
WOW, just WOW!  So blinded they are.  If it were me, I would let him go and he can NOT return.  The nerve to think you will just wait for him to come to his senses.  I am so shocked for you.  Let him go.  I would not let him return, never in a million years.  To think you are his second choice, no way.  And, I would tell the world where he is going and why.  It is your right to do as you please.  He gave up that right when he cheated.  He has no right telling you what you can do and say.  It is your choice to say and do as you please.
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strength1
surviving wrote:
WOW, just WOW!  So blinded they are.  If it were me, I would let him go and he can NOT return.  The nerve to think you will just wait for him to come to his senses.  I am so shocked for you.  Let him go.  I would not let him return, never in a million years.  To think you are his second choice, no way.  And, I would tell the world where he is going and why.  It is your right to do as you please.  He gave up that right when he cheated.  He has no right telling you what you can do and say.  It is your choice to say and so as you please.


Oh but he doesn't want me to wait for him - perhaps I wasn't clear. At least he didn't say that. 

One other thing: He did say that he respects me more than any other woman in the world.  WTH?
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Keepabuzz
At least your path is now clear.  You deserve far, FAR better. I would 100% tell anyone that I wanted to EXACTLY why you are divorcing. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Crushed
As long as you help him hide his shame if being a liar and a cheat he would be perfectly happy.  He also would be happy to do social events and all family gatherings too.  Tell him that is not how it works. If he chooses her all times are gone.  He is ghost no contact.  Cant have cake and eat it too.  I feel alot if empathy for you as mine wanted to stay best friends too, he wants to be included when I go with old friends or go to events that he liked  and pretend he is still such a good man.  I am done with that and i tell it like it is.  He chose a life filled with nasty sluts, deviants, and cybersex and i no longer want him around me.  I no longer hide his secrets, it's his problem to deal with the shame of people knowing.
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FanofMike2020
At this point in time, he feels the grass is greener on the other side.  Sadly, it is because that is where the septic tank is.
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BlindCheetah

It’s not your job to hide what he did, tell anyone you want to. Very few people know what my husband did, if we where to divorce more people would know not everyone, I wouldn’t broadcast it but, not hide it. My kids would need to know enough to explain the split and avoid them finding out through gossip. 

He’s a fool eventually he may figure it out, I’d let him deal with the consequences alone. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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Skelling
strength1 wrote:



One other thing: He did say that he respects me more than any other woman in the world.  WTH?


He doesn't respect you, he doesn't even respect himself. He is still being dishonest, telling himself lies so he can justify his action, knowing quite well he is wrong and he wants you to go along with it so he has approval and feels validated in doing the right thing. I think not. Of course you don't need to tell the world the real reasons for his leaving but him asking to cover for him and sell his lie as the truth is not your job either. People that you feel should know the truth (your kids, your parents, his, close friends...) and could comfort you through this, I would tell. How is it fair to deny you the possible comfort, empathy and shoulder to lean on just so he can remain the "good" guy. He didn't leave you because the spark was gone, he left because he couldn't deal with his own brokenness and made a selfish choice and now he wants you to agree with him that this was his only choice so he can continue looking in the mirror and tell himself he did everything right. 
No my friend do not load that onto yourself. You deserve better far better. I am very sorry for the pain all this brings and I wish I had more comforting words for you. Sending a virtual hug and lots of strength for the coming days, weeks... you got this.
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Experiencethedevine29

Keepabuzz wrote:
At least your path is now clear.  You deserve far, FAR better. I would 100% tell anyone that I wanted to EXACTLY why you are divorcing. 


This....without question... what an absolute W⚓️..... and as FanofMike said, the grass looks greener...until the dog pisses on it....

Stength, just who the F*CK does this twat think he is?  Effing superman??😳🙄🤨

oh no no no... I’d be telling the whole family, yours and his, what a narcissistic 🛎🔚 this chump is....🤬🤬🤬🤬

AND I’d be making it public too.. but I’m like that.. don’t s*it on my doorstep because I’ll post that right back through your letterbox and laugh while I do it...😁

Sorry Strength, it’s not much help, but this makes me want to give the Richard Cranium  a choke slam ... and I’m too old for that!

I’m really sorry you have to share  space with it. Be brave, and get rid. And don’t be scared to let the world know. It’s HIS shame to carry, NOT yours. Time to find your girl power ..

ETD 🌻

The grass always looks greener..until the dog pee’s on it....
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strength1

Thank you to all. You are being of immense moral support to me. This time he has managed to make me turn cold and determined to get off the rollercoaster of his life at the moment.  

Yesterday just before we were about to tell the children about our separation, he pulled me aside and asked me to show him the whatsapp messages I was referring to earlier, which demonstrate the extent to which he has been rewriting history - these are mutual messages of love throughout the 5 years, right up until the time he met OW. I had asked him to look at these many times in the past year, and he never did. So yesterday he got to read them, and he was stunned.

After that he told me that the psychologists think he has a depression (I have been telling him that for at least 2 years), that his mum is not talking to him, that no one understands him, that he has no friends, that he thinks that everything I have been saying is true, etc.

Then he said he should take some time alone, something I have been saying for so long, but it seems that they only hear what they want to and when they want to. Then he left to be alone for some days. Without us telling the girls that we were separating.   

Meanwhile I am planning a holiday with our daughters, because I need the distance and I am mentally exhausted and while I see him as being mentally ill at the moment, I'm not sure I have the stamina to continue to stand alongside him. And I have a meeting with lawyers next week.

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hurting
Big hugs to you!!! I’m so sorry he’s such a bloody mess and keeps dragging you down. This must be so painful and horrifying... I’m so sorry!

IMO the best thing for you to do is to look after yourself now. Take some time out with your girls, focus on your relationship with them. 

Under no circumstances are you EVER obliged to hide his disgusting behaviour from the world should you seperate!! He’s gone fcking insane to ask you that. What a knob. 

I would talk to the lawyer, find out what is needed to proceed and take the necessary steps. If he can pull his head out of his ass, then great. But there is only so much pain a person can take and still hang around for... it’s time to focus on looking after you, with or without him. 
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ThrivenotSurvive

Strength1- I have been out of cell phone range for several days, so I missed your posts.  I have plenty to say, but no energy to do so tonight. 

Just know that you have mountains of support here, and that sometimes you need to stop letting your actions and decisions hinge on another person- especially someone as deeply unwell as your husband.  

You need to disengage and spend all that emotional capital on yourself and your kids.  He will eventually hit his rock bottom.  But that is his responsibility -  his life.  Don’t you dare be there to pick up the pieces.  

He’s relied on you for far, far too long - and rather than thank you, he resents you for it. He needs someone emotionally sicker than himself to feel like a “man”.  That is straight pathetic.  

So let him be the “man” he wants to be.  Because out of his long tirade that is the only truth I heard - he doesn’t feel like a man .  Guess what, he’s right.  He, in fact, isn’t one.  

Now you need to do what he did not.  Go no contact or as close to it as you can get while sharing kids.  Take your so-called male energy (what an a-hole) and keep it to yourself.  He gets NONE of the benefits of you from now on.  None.  

And I’d tell who I wanted, when I wanted.  This isn’t just HIS life even if he thinks he is the center of the universe.  It’s YOURS.  And he’s lost all right to ask anything of you.  Including, in my opinion, common courtesy.  

You outgrew him a long time ago, Strength.  You just need to realize it and find your equal. 

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Experiencethedevine29

Strength1- I have been out of cell phone range for several days, so I missed your posts.  I have plenty to say, but no energy to do so tonight. 

Just know that you have mountains of support here, and that sometimes you need to stop letting your actions and decisions hinge on another person- especially someone as deeply unwell as your husband.  

You need to disengage and spend all that emotional capital on yourself and your kids.  He will eventually hit his rock bottom.  But that is his responsibility -  his life.  Don’t you dare be there to pick up the pieces.  

He’s relied on you for far, far too long - and rather than thank you, he resents you for it. He needs someone emotionally sicker than himself to feel like a “man”.  That is straight pathetic.  

So let him be the “man” he wants to be.  Because out of his long tirade that is the only truth I heard - he doesn’t feel like a man .  Guess what, he’s right.  He, in fact, isn’t one.  

Now you need to do what he did not.  Go no contact or as close to it as you can get while sharing kids.  Take your so-called male energy (what an a-hole) and keep it to yourself.  He gets NONE of the benefits of you from now on.  None.  

And I’d tell who I wanted, when I wanted.  This isn’t just HIS life even if he thinks he is the center of the universe.  It’s YOURS.  And he’s lost all right to ask anything of you.  Including, in my opinion, common courtesy.  

You outgrew him a long time ago, Strength.  You just need to realize it and find your equal. 



This.....brava Thrive..  MUCH  more diplomatically scribed than my virulent tirade, but the underlying passion for egalitarianism and a profound desire to inspire self respect and confidence remains the objective.

Strength, you really do need to stop being this pathetic excuse of a man’s babysitter..you’ve got children to take care of as it is so this adult baby needs to eff off and grow up!


ETD  🌻


The grass always looks greener..until the dog pee’s on it....
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