Atari99

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TimT
Wouldn't it be great if we could take our clear insight, bottle it up, and send it back in time for our more-confused selves to drink? Oh, I wish I had that magic! I sit with men and women every day who are convinced that choosing their affair or leaving their spouse is the better choice. Some will even say it is a healthier choice or that it is what God wants for them. Like you, I can offer them a perspective of what the "other side" of that choice is probably going to be like, but it usually doesn't matter. We are so good at convincing ourselves that our experience is real, that we will be the exception to the rule. It is a lie that ends up breaking many hearts.
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Fionarob
ctgretzky

Your words really touched me and brought tears to my eyes.  I long to hear my husband say something like this to me but I wonder if that day will ever come.  He had an affair which I discovered 5 weeks into their relationship........I said I would take him back and give him another chance and he promised to end the affair. He didn't and it carried on for the next two years.  Every few months I would find out and once again he would promise to end it.  In total I have given him 8 chances, when really he didn't even deserve one.  We are still together, I am still giving him the chance to be the great dad, loving husband and for family/friends to never have to know what he did.  I am protecting his reputation and giving him the chance not to have the future that you describe........but I often wonder how much he appreciates it.

If I could hear him say half of what you have said in your post it would melt my heart.  If he could accept responsibility for his choices it would take a lot of my anger away, but he still sees me as the problem, and what I didn't give him in the marriage.  Often I feel like I want him to chuck him out because I want him to have to suffer the consequences of his choices, rather than just getting to come back and carry on with life as normal.

Sometimes I wonder if he will only see what he could have lost if he actually lost it for real.  I wonder if he would only ever truly see what he has done if he had to suffer some consequences.  I still don't feel my husband regrets his affair, but like, you he feels it was somehow right - it's like he felt entitled to that happiness because he was unhappy in his marriage.

How long did it take you to reach the point you are at now and how did you reach it?  Do you think if anyone had tried to tell you to end the affair you would have?  While you were in the midst of it and blinded by your feelings, did you ever consider the huge risk you were taking, that you could loose your wife and children?  I ask because I desperately want to understand the mind of a ws.  My husband just says he never thought about the risks as he was too stuck in the situation to see them. 

Thank you so much for your post.......I hope you will eventually move past the pain and can use what you have learnt about yourself to have a good relationship with someone else.  The fact that this has made you into a better person is maybe the only good you can see at the moment, but at some point in the future this may come into play.  Who knows what will happen and how you may help someone else in a similar situation.  You have certainly helped me today, and I will continue to hope that one day my husband will reach this way of thinking too.



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Kalmarjan
Ctgretzky,

I totally get what you are saying. I myself have lamented what I've done.

I will say this though, I am damn lucky I got my head out of my ass in time. My relationship with my wife is stronger now because I learned my lesson in time.

I still struggle with thoughts of my AP here and again, but mainly only bitter thoughts. I find myself berating myself for falling for the hype. Then I just remind myself that I am the one that is responsible for my actions and choices. Extreme Ownership.
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UrbanExplorer
It sounds like your affair and divorce happened quickly and recently. I had an affair in 2015 as well and still don't feel I have processed the whole experience to the point of knowing where my marriage should go, and here you are already divorced. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I truly believe you will rebuild your life and have joy again in the future, plus self-awareness.
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Anna26
ctgretzky:

Oh my word, I'm now in bits... 
When I read your words, the feelings and emotions come through so clearly, I feel your pain, in the same way you now feel those of a BS. 
You will never know how much it means to know that there is always a hope that a WS may just one day wake up from the daydream that they have been living in.
And I wish, oh how I wish that mine would..

My husband is not very good at connecting emotionally, and I find I do need a connection like that.  This may be at the root of all our problems.
I feel at the moment that I've moved on a lot, but I know the love hasn't completely gone.  It's more a kind of indifference, a resoluteness in knowing that I probably must get on with life more or less on my own.  We are separated but he seems quite happy with how things are.  I don't think he sees her, but again, he doesn't seem to want his wife and marriage either.
But I know as Fionarob says, that if there were the slightest chance, or the merest glimmer of some kind of emotional response for what he did, a lot of my feelings for him could come flooding back.  If he could just show me that he knew he'd made a mistake, he wanted me and his marriage, I could help support him through it all. 
But right now, I daren't believe that might happen, to be let down again.

It's so refreshing to read what you have written, it's come straight from your heart and straight to the hearts of many of us who needed to hear it.  Thank you for having the courage to share your feelings with us, your insight is so valuable.
I hope you can find the same kind of strength and courage on your new path...
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violet
Oh how I wish my husband would feel the same way. I am just too tired of this game. He vacillates constantly, the days are getting nearer, good changes but he is still in contact with her. I've definitely fallen out of love but I see him changing a lot and he is starting to actually give me what I want (be a good dad, stay at home more, focus on his work, spend time with his parents, be nice to me etc). I don't know if he's still worth the fight but I love my kids more than my life. If I could just run away.Whats wrong with him, he can't let her go yet he wont let me go either.  

I sent your post to my friends with the same situation and some sent it to their husbands, I hesitated though because you said you had a good marriage. Mine was good but with problems and he blamed me for it and used it as a reason for the affair. I did not want him reading that line and using it as an excuse. 

I feel so sorry for your pain, If you only knew the pain of the BS, it's too painful. I hope your wife finds a spark deep within her for you. I believe people make mistakes and deserve second chances. I hope this will be a lesson. Don't give up, find yourself but don't take too long to reach out to her, there are a lot of deserving men out there that might take your place...


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Why
Thank you for these words. As painful as it is for me to think of the "marriage" he had for 5 years, I am lucky that he got himself out of the fog and never left his family. I struggle to understand how you do it for 5 years, but I now see the blessing of not having to deal with his illogic during the "addiction". I have learned that it isn't about me or even the other person. It was an addiction to a feeling. It really wouldn't have mattered who was the person in the opportunity spot, it would have happened. It disgusts me how they acted and what they physically did. I still have trouble with that myself but I am blessed for not having to yank his head out of his ass too. For those whose husband's still have their heads in their asses, all you can do is love you, do everything for you and wait for the fog to clear. Don't listen to what he says if you hope to reconcile, his words will only hurt until he is out of the fog. Staying together is the hardest thing you will ever do, but it can be done. You carry the burden until the fog lifts and until the realization that this gentleman so eloquently wrote comes to consciousness. Even after, you are burdened with the pain. It's nice to know the load is truly shared but I am happy to know I don't have to carry the guilt.
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Jer7225
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I had an affair. I did something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A point of regret that can never be shaken, nor can ever be forgotten. I lost the most incredible woman I could ever have dreamed of. I lost the comfort of having a blissful home filled with laughter and love. I lost the opportunity to watch each of my children grow up minute by minute instead of every couple of weeks. I lost friends who we would go out with as couples. I lost her family: her mom, brother, nephews. Most of all, I lost the ability to have my wife look at me with a smile and love in her eyes...so full of trust and undying devotion. 

That is just a small part. What I lost is nothing to what my wife lost. Her innocence. Her belief in everlasting true love. Her self worth. The ability to greet each day with purpose and true happiness that can only be found in oneself. I stabbed her in the heart, in the soul. 

Every single day I wake up thinking about my mistake. Every single night I fall asleep regretting. And all of the hours in between I function as I best can to live my life, to improve myself. To reflect on the mistake and why I did it. I go to therapy 1-2 times a week for self discovery. I meditate. I run my company. And I cry. I have never cried so much. I have never felt such angst and pain and feeling of loss. 

I know now I am a far better man. I wish I knew myself better before it all happened. I was happily married for 12 years before I had a breakdown of sorts and started an affair that lasted a year. It was something I felt I needed to do. And as I got deeper into the affair, it seemed more right. Like I was supposed to do this. I lost myself as I lost the woman who I know was the right one for me. Blinded.

I now know why I did it. I understand my weaknesses, my immaturity, my failure to take a step back and look at what I had. I learned that it truly was all my fault, and the things I would blame her for were my own idiotic issues that are so easier to pass on to make myself feel better about what I knew was wrong. Oh how I wish I looked at myself with eyes set in reality. But as a human, regardless, sometimes failure and loss are the reason we finally do. I didn't know what I had, until it was gone. I want to go back in time and SMACK myself and say "WAKE UP!!"

I hope and pray that someone will read this that is contemplating or currently having an affair. DON'T DO IT. PLEASE, don't do it! Go to your husband or wife RIGHT NOW and sit and look each other in the eyes and just talk. Look at him/her and remember why you fell in love. Hold their hand. Look at the old photo albums together. Plan a night out for the two of you. Or plan even a simple movie night. 

I let those things slip away. I can never get them back. I will never find another woman who was so right for me again. Instead, my life partner is regret. 

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Jer7225
What happened to your affair partner?  was your affair partner the 'perfect', 'ultimate' person like mine is?  I say this facetiously; I feel this way about mine and I know it can't be true, but it doesn't change the way I feel.  What happened to your relationship with her?  I am trying to end a relationship with mine and she is holding on for dear life.  I struggle tremendously with confirming her past experiences of rejection all the while trying to forget the promise I made to my wife long ago.  It is a ridiculous, unbelievable situation. 

Thank you for anything you're willing to share.
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UrbanExplorer
Jer7225 wrote:
What happened to your affair partner?  was your affair partner the 'perfect', 'ultimate' person like mine is?  I say this facetiously; I feel this way about mine and I know it can't be true, but it doesn't change the way I feel.  What happened to your relationship with her?  I am trying to end a relationship with mine and she is holding on for dear life.  I struggle tremendously with confirming her past experiences of rejection all the while trying to forget the promise I made to my wife long ago.  It is a ridiculous, unbelievable situation. 

Thank you for anything you're willing to share.
I can relate to this. I didn't feel my AP was perfect, but I did feel that if I had met him in an alternate universe in which we had both been single from the beginning rather than sneaking around, we still would have clicked enough to date. I felt he was somewhat of a kindred spirit and cared about him in a real way. I suppose there are many people on this planet who could be a good fit, and we don't need to (and cannot) end up with all of them. It can be hard to end an affair because it feels like ending a romantic relationship that hasn't run its course naturally. I think time and space are the only way to get through it, and you are simultaneously trying to figure out if the marriage can be or should be repaired. I find the pain of everyone involved to be almost unbearable, even though I brought it on myself as the WS.
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Dinomus
I wanted to thank you for sharing all that you have. It gives me hope. I found out my husband was having an affair last August. There were so many signs leading up to it but I wanted to trust him. Give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he actually had a lot going on at work or needed space. It's especially hard because we have been together for 7 years but only just got married in 2014. It happened so soon after. He asked for the separation at the beginning of August 2015 and I found out about the affair mid August. I had moved out of our place but wanted to keep trying to make things work. Every time he said she was gone I would find out in fact she wasn't and he was still seeing her.
Our place sold and we have a separation agreement written up. He has moved in with her. I still hold on to some hope that one day it will turn around.
He only talks to me when he needs something or if there is something exciting about himself he wants to tell me. It has become a very one sided relationship as I don't feel he even cares if I am there to listen at all. I have wanted to remain supportive of the positive things in his life. But it has become overwhelming because we only talk when it works for him. I recently told him I needed 5 weeks of no talking. I need to get myself in a better place. It has been a couple weeks now and I struggle with it and miss him every day. He had told me shortly after I asked for no communication tht he loves me he got lost and not to forget him because he is trying to find his way out. That he misses me and misses being together. But he is still with her so its all very confusing.
Your post has given me hope. I have always thought that if we make it out of this together again that we will be stronger for it. Because I truly valued and miss what we had. I miss him everyday. I know I also have my own things to work on that weren't helpful in our relationship and that's why I'm taking this time now to address and really focus on moving in a positive direction.
So much of what you wrote resonates because out of all the years I have been with my husband I have never seen him cry as much as I have these last 6 months. I feel he actually is happy with this new person. I guess time will tell.
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Jer7225
Quote:


I ended it just before the divorce in an attempt to show that I want my x-wife. I have not been with her since, nor have spoken to her more than a few words. I truly want to work on me, and then work on getting my x-wife back, if she will have me. I still love her, ad in a way more than I ever have. 

It is a fact in my case that you don't know what ya go until its gone :-(



Thank you SO much.  I think that I have been given the grace to see through at least part of this fog that has overwhelmed me.  For quite some time, I could not stop thinking about how much better my life would be if I could just be with my AP.  How she is perfect for me.  I also could not bear the thought of walking away from her.  I still have a real hard time with this but I think that I can show the most love to the most people if I do that.  If I can do that one of the tough things that I'll be dealing with is rekindling the romance in my marriage.  All of the romance has been transferred (in my mind) to the AP.  Another thing that causes me severe depression just to think about is whether or not to tell my wife.  She knows about my AP; even refers to her as such, but doesn't know how far this has gone.  Telling her would absolutely crush her. 

I have prayed so often to be able to go back in time and make different choices.  All of this was my fault.
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Kalmarjan
Jer7225 wrote:


Thank you SO much.  I think that I have been given the grace to see through at least part of this fog that has overwhelmed me.  For quite some time, I could not stop thinking about how much better my life would be if I could just be with my AP.  How she is perfect for me.  I also could not bear the thought of walking away from her.  I still have a real hard time with this but I think that I can show the most love to the most people if I do that.  If I can do that one of the tough things that I'll be dealing with is rekindling the romance in my marriage.  All of the romance has been transferred (in my mind) to the AP.  Another thing that causes me severe depression just to think about is whether or not to tell my wife.  She knows about my AP; even refers to her as such, but doesn't know how far this has gone.  Telling her would absolutely crush her. 

I have prayed so often to be able to go back in time and make different choices.  All of this was my fault. 


Welcome to the boards. Sorry that you came here in this situation. Take heart though, it seems like it's all over, but believe it or not, it's just a beginning.

You mentioned something in your post that I want to highlight. You wrote that all your feelings have been transfered to your AP, and you pray you can fix this.

I've got great news for you.

One of the reasons it seems so easy with the AP I'd because she is being receptive to the effort you are putting in. It's because it's all new, dangerous, shiny, and did I mention, new?

Look, I've been there before. But, like the song says, it's all Just an Illusion.

The good news is that in your marriage, what you put into it, you will get back out. If you want those feelings for your wife you need to put in the effort. LOVE is a VERB. The act of LOVE is the best thing you can give to your wife.

That starts with the truth. Do you love your wife enough to tell her the truth and let her decide your fate with her? Do you love her enough to stop trying to control her with the trickle information you let her have? What do you have to lose at this point? You've already lost.

Right now you'll need to get clear. Cut your AP from your life. Period. No contact.

I'm not saying to run back to your wife, but until you find out what you are all about, you have no business being in any relationship. In order for that to happen quickly, you need to cut the cancer that is your AP from your life. There is no other way. TRUST me when I tell you that.
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Dinomus
@Jer7225

I know that because I have all this evidence in front of me - pictures of them kissing, walking in on them in bed together - and now more pictures on social media of them together - I wish he could have just confirmed to me that it had happened. I had said that to him at one point. "I already know whats going on so why not just put it all out on the table". Tell me the truth. I know he was probably trying to protect my feelings. He has lied so much. I just wish he could say the brutal honest truth. Intuition is a powerful thing - I already knew before I found out. Just didn't want to accept it. This is just me and everyone is different of course. I think because there has been so much lying I'm craving honesty.
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