I had an affair. I did something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A point of regret that can never be shaken, nor can ever be forgotten. I lost the most incredible woman I could ever have dreamed of. I lost the comfort of having a blissful home filled with laughter and love. I lost the opportunity to watch each of my children grow up minute by minute instead of every couple of weeks. I lost friends who we would go out with as couples. I lost her family: her mom, brother, nephews. Most of all, I lost the ability to have my wife look at me with a smile and love in her eyes...so full of trust and undying devotion.
That is just a small part. What I lost is nothing to what my wife lost. Her innocence. Her belief in everlasting true love. Her self worth. The ability to greet each day with purpose and true happiness that can only be found in oneself. I stabbed her in the heart, in the soul.
Every single day I wake up thinking about my mistake. Every single night I fall asleep regretting. And all of the hours in between I function as I best can to live my life, to improve myself. To reflect on the mistake and why I did it. I go to therapy 1-2 times a week for self discovery. I meditate. I run my company. And I cry. I have never cried so much. I have never felt such angst and pain and feeling of loss.
I know now I am a far better man. I wish I knew myself better before it all happened. I was happily married for 12 years before I had a breakdown of sorts and started an affair that lasted a year. It was something I felt I needed to do. And as I got deeper into the affair, it seemed more right. Like I was supposed to do this. I lost myself as I lost the woman who I know was the right one for me. Blinded.
I now know why I did it. I understand my weaknesses, my immaturity, my failure to take a step back and look at what I had. I learned that it truly was all my fault, and the things I would blame her for were my own idiotic issues that are so easier to pass on to make myself feel better about what I knew was wrong. Oh how I wish I looked at myself with eyes set in reality. But as a human, regardless, sometimes failure and loss are the reason we finally do. I didn't know what I had, until it was gone. I want to go back in time and SMACK myself and say "WAKE UP!!"
I hope and pray that someone will read this that is contemplating or currently having an affair. DON'T DO IT. PLEASE, don't do it! Go to your husband or wife RIGHT NOW and sit and look each other in the eyes and just talk. Look at him/her and remember why you fell in love. Hold their hand. Look at the old photo albums together. Plan a night out for the two of you. Or plan even a simple movie night.
I let those things slip away. I can never get them back. I will never find another woman who was so right for me again. Instead, my life partner is regret.