I have lived a double life in one way or another my entire adult life. I lived in that world for so long that, to me it became the norm. It's honestly missed up, now that I look back at how I've lived. Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde text book story. To this day there are things that even my family have no clue that I have done / experienced. I did all this cause I believed in a cause. What I felt was right. What I believed in. My core values. And at the age of forty years of age, I destroyed everything. I've read other people's stories and how the cheating partner says " If you would have asked me a month before or a year, or even a day if I would have an affair, I would laugh in your face and tell you how crazy you would be." Yea, I would have done the EXACT same thing. No, I'm not saying that, or even typing this, to jump on a imaginary bandwagon. I was raised in a home as a child in what most call Disney World. My parents were amazing. Perfect couple, and amazing parents to me and my two sisters. Extremely religious, and even more on preparing my sisters and myself on being respectable individuals later on in or adult life. In my adult life I was driven to be the guy that was called upon to be a protector of those that couldn't protect themselves, and go after the evil so others could sleep at night. The only reason I'm giving a little detail about my life is to show others that I was a highly driven, always committed to do what was right no matter the cost, and yes I cheated on the only person that ever meant more to me than anything I have or have done in my life. I had an affair for a year. There is no one to blame. No one but me. I have taken full responsibility for what I have done. The damage caused not only to my family, my wife's family, our children, but most importantly to my wife. Like a tornado, I destroyed, leveled, broke her spirt, her trust, and her faith. It's honestly maddening to me. To see this gorgeous Lady, cry uncontrollably. Moments of rage. And the saddness and disappointment that is in her eyes. Maddening, cause I put her in this world of destruction. I've experienced so much in my life, more than the average person. Ive done and seen things that very few could understand. But I can say this statement with one hundred percent accuracy, I have never, ever felt pain and saddness like I do now for hurting my wife like I have. Trust me, that's a very bold statement. My Affair was discovered this past November. And as I type this most days are horrendous. Answering questions she has, seeking consoluing, therapy, mood swings, everyday usually starts fairly good, but at the end of the day I'm holding her while she cries. The most devastating thing in fourty years of life I can honestly say is holding her while she is crying, and hearing her ask me why did you hurt me so Brian, why did you hurt me I love you and you have killed me. I've experienced lots of pain before this, but never have I felt pain like I do when I see the woman that I took a oath in front of God to cherish and honor, cry and scream cause of the pain I have caused her. It's a pain worse than death. She didn't deserve this. She never should have had to experience anything like this. AND I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN THE ONE THAT CAUSED IT. I'm typing this right now, laying in a floor in our house. Our youngest son wanted to have a camp out in the living room. My youngest son, my wife, and me camped out in the living room. I pray nights like this never end. She's my best friend, my wife, my world, and I threw that all away for a year. Saying comforting words helps her, but actions always speaks louder than words.,I made her a promise the other day. Wether she wants a divorce or she wants to let me be the man I should have been, regardless of the two, I will stand by her and together we will get her through the pain and destruction I placed her in. Although for someone being the cheater, making promises doesn't have much stock. Remember, actions speaks louder than words. I will stand by my wife, my best friend and get her out of the dark place I have put her in. Because I love her. I was just the knuckle dragger who threw everything away, what most men would kill for, for an entire year. Either way, redemption for me is seeing this beautiful lady, smile and laugh again. She deserves it. And I will walk side by side with her down this road, carrying her if I have to, out of her Hell. That's my promise to my best friend, my wife, my Seahorse.