A
Hi all, I'm a new member and I have been inspired a lot by the stories and suggestions shared on this forum. I would like to share some details of my story too and I apologise for the length of the tale. My husband  and I were high school sweethearts and we were married 10 years later after going through a lot of ups and downs in our communities. However, after marriage, we both had the same sort of issues all couples (who have dated before marriage) go through where the honeymoon period is long over and we adjust to each others flaws and weaknesses. My husband has been looked after all his life by his family and while I came into his home (which included his parents) my husband didn't transition into a responsible role model, carrying on his old lifestyle of friends and sports. I found myself craving attention and care and love from him while for him I faded into the background of his family.

For work I had to live away from him in another city where I was sharing a flat with another male friend and a couple. THis friend and I bonded closely due to our shared values and least to say, I began an affair with him. However 2 months down the line I couldn't bear the guilt and I looked for every opportunity for m husband to join me. however he eventually found out and I ended the relationship with all intents and purpose of saving my marriage. 2 years on, we were happy and trying for a baby while I was commuting every day on a 4 hour trip for work, all for the effort to keep my husbands trust. We had to undergo IVF and eventually fell pregnant. It was our happiest days. However at 38 weeks, I find that my husband has been having a relationship with a mutual friend who had recently separated from her husband. The news tore me apart, especially given my state and how hard I had worked on my marriage. When I confronted them both, my husband was a completely different man, declaring his love for her and she for him.  It was like he had become a stranger. However, he promised me that he wanted this marriage and swore to beak off the relationship, but he never allowed me to witness him saying it to her.

Things got better although my husband remained aloof and I was going through a lot of emotional pain. We even did counselling. I gave birth to a beautiful little boy and was at home recovering. however, 2 weeks after i gave birth, my husband who was on 2 weeks paternity leave would leave for long hours during the day. My fears came back and I caught him cheating again, this time realizing his relationship had gone even further (although he still claims there was no sex involved). I was broken and decided I wanted to end the marriage with him. But again he promised and was honest about what happened. Since then I have been trying to let go of what happened fo the sake of my son, despite my triggers and insecurities and love and forgive him unconditionally. But while my husband is able to be close, he can't be intimate and there has been no sex between us for the last year. He doesn't enjoy counselling and looks to spend long time with his friends and drinks to escape witnessing my sadness. It has been 10 months since D day. I try and do everything that inspired him before and he locks down. It finally got to a point where the rejection was killing me and I was looking down the hole of depression, that I have now left my home with my son and am trying to move on without him. While he says he still wants his family, he confesses that he has no such attraction for me at the moment as he is finding it hard to forget what happened or forgive himself. I have left home for a week and a half now without any contact with him and he has not come knocking and wanting me to come back. I am readying my heart and mind for single motherhood with a less than 1 year old baby, broken hearted
Has anyone been through such a journey? Did you find light at the end of the tunnel? What were your motivations and thoughts during this difficult time? Do you feel I need to give my husband more time to feel attracted to me again?
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Vanessa
So, the cliff notes version is: you cheated, but you consider that a closed book, now he has cheated and doesn't want to make the same effort you do in saving your marriage?
It appears that neither of you understood what you were saying when you got married - you know - the forsaking all others part. 
Cheating has nothing to do with "being attractive" ask Beyonce who is by most standards a very beautiful woman but some idiot cheated on her.  Cheating has to do with a lack of life skills in the WS.  Both you and your husband have demonstrated through your actions that you lack the skills to work through tough times in a relationship. 
Get therapy so you learn how to do that, then find a partner who also has those skills.  Get therapy, and let your husband go live his life.  
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A
If forsaking all others was a vow that every married couple kept to, none of us would be here would we? We don't predict these things will happen to us when we are in front of God making those promises and we mean them with all heart. At least I did and it is our circumstances that put us in these situations. No one is without faults and I definitely realize my own but it is our choices  and the willingness to make things right in the end that makes the difference isn't it?
Difference is Vanessa when it happened to me it made me realize how important the relationship with my husband was, despite whatever insecurities I had with him. It was a realization of how much I loved and valued our relationship. But in his case, his affair changed his views of me. He is finding it easier to let go and carry on with his life than work hard to make this marriage work. I would disagree with what you said that I lacked the skill to work though the tough times. Willing to let go fo his affair and make a new beginning when I just gave birth to our child was my choice but he isn't willing to let go of what he did. There is so much banging against a brick wall that you can do. 
Oh well, I have reconciled with his choices and feel my son and I are better off alone than with someone who doesn't value us the way we did. 
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Vanessa
I guess I sounded rather harsh - but I do want to point out that it is NOT circumstances that put us in these situations - it is choices.  The choice to seek solace and comfort within or outside of the marriage.  The choice to be open and honest about your unhappiness or the choice to "have your cake and eat it too" by keeping your spouse and your affair partner. 

An affair not only changes your view of your spouse - it shakes your view of yourself to its very core.  It is possible he really does not love you anymore.  It is possible he is having a "revenge affair" to "repay you" for the hurt he suffered.  The is usually about as successful as drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

It sounds like he is in a place where he cannot or will not put his mind into your marriage.  You deserve to be Plan A not plan B.  You can always reconcile in the future if he "wakes up" to what he is missing from your marriage.  But it is not a good plan for you to put YOUR life on hold waiting for him to figure all that out.  You need to take care of YOU - and YES you and your son are much better off not being tied to a relationship where you are not valued.
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