Brandi
As the BS I ask my husband for reassurance. He then asks me what I mean by that. My answer: I dont know. I need to be reassured or I need words or something....it is very hard for me to tell him what I need when I dont really know. He is willing to do 'it' but since I cant give a real answer he cant. He wants to and is willing-its just that undefinded statement.
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TimT
If he hasn't read the book, How To Help Your Spouse Heal... it would help. Here's the Amazon link: http://amzn.to/1IxWFOr
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Brandi
No we have only read books on non violent communication (because I am a violent communicator) and the other one I talked about with a new view on relationships. (that we never finished and I cant think of the name of it.) But its around 6 months since d-day-is it 'too late' to read this book?
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hmichelle
That is a good book and I highly recommend it as well.  Some of it will not apply due to the length since D-day but much of it still great.  My husband also downloaded an app for families to be able to locate each other.  As time has gone on I feel the need to check it less and less (still daily but no longer every five minutes).  I also like him to text me throughout the day to say he misses me and cant wait to be home.  I struggled a lot with feeling like he chose her over us (my son and I) and that he didn't want to be there, turns out home is exactly where he wanted to be but was completely lost in his mistake.  My husband also struggles with talking about the things that make him uncomfortable (experiencing guilt and shame).  When we set time aside to discuss articles I have found or potential things to avoid in the future I can see he struggles but that he is trying to grow, that really helps me to see his commitment to change.  
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Stashh
Brandi: been a while since I posted. Post DDay (December 2014 - wife had ONS about 10 years ago and 2 year affair after 22 years of marriage) I bought so many books and Linda MacDonald's was one of them. I desperately needed to try to understand something.... why? why? why? I devoured every word and gave it to my WS who I think, as a result, began to realise the enormity of her past actions. Given the time now lapsed I cannot recall too much detail of the book but for any WS for whom "the penny has not dropped" it is worth being given a copy if there is the remotest hope for them to try to salvage the relationship. What I have found is that WS took all LM's book on board but then realistically wanted more to address the "marital reasons" she had her EMA and "move on" placing that ahead of what was still a very emotionally raw time for me as BS. I too still need "reassurance" and, in truth, that can mean different things on different days. Changes in her work practice have made a huge difference and sometimes "simple things" such as touches/hand holds/looks etc are enough, she spends a lot of time saying"I love you" but, as I explained the other day, sometimes that is not enough....in truth occasionally I feel so uncertain of me / her / us, I feel I want (need?) her to tell me how much she realises the harm to me / to us from her actions, how much she regrets them, wants to be with me , that her EMA was not what she truly wanted etc etc i.e. as much "reassurance" as if I had just recently found out. All this has been said long ago but, being blunt there are times when I want (need?) her to acknowledge the pain and sadness I (still) feel, and that, to some extent, will always be there (however minimal) and to let me know that she shares that pain and sadness that she caused. It is not that I do not understand why what happened did happen, nor that I do not fully forgive (I honestly feel I have) but what happened is something that will always be with me (and whatever anyone may say, will not be felt in the same way by my WS) and part of me at this still uncertain time wants to feel reassured that we do indeed "share that history" not that it is simply "past history" for her. I wrestle with whether to try to explain this. I have explained that there are times I "need reassurance" but sometimes it is clear she has no idea what I really want (need?). Asking her to "go back" clearly is not something she is comfortable with but I do wonder whether by not addressing issues, we are prolonging what could otherwise be shortened. A new and more honest communication post an EMA is, after all, what is needed. If a WS could overcome their own guilt and shame etc and occasionally and spontaneously continue to appear to be thankful for the second (or more) chance they have been offered WITHOUT being asked, that would, I think, certainly assist: asking for that sort of reassurance, however, rather defeats what I as the BS seek: equally, I keep thinking doers not asking help me / us / our relationship.
Not sure if any of that helps you. As always for anyone involved post affairs, trying to be and staying strong and looking at the "bigger picture" can be hard.


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Brandi
I did order the book and it should be here in a few days. I doubt he will read it-not for lack of wanting to-he's just not a reader. Our one habit became me reading a book to him and us discussing it. I just know that any affair talk does not go well and this may be one that he will actually have to read on his own.
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hmichelle
Its really short so even if he is not a big reader it is doable.  I also read with my husband and we try and discuss after each part that hits home for me. 
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TimT
Brandi wrote:
I did order the book and it should be here in a few days. I doubt he will read it-not for lack of wanting to-he's just not a reader. Our one habit became me reading a book to him and us discussing it. I just know that any affair talk does not go well and this may be one that he will actually have to read on his own.

Yes... let him read it (or not) on his own. If he doesn't, then pick it up and read it yourself. Highlight the parts that seem most significant to you and then leave it to let him at least see what YOU think is important.
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Valntine66
Brandi wrote:
I did order the book and it should be here in a few days. I doubt he will read it-not for lack of wanting to-he's just not a reader. Our one habit became me reading a book to him and us discussing it. I just know that any affair talk does not go well and this may be one that he will actually have to read on his own.


Brandi, I ordered the book 5 days after D-Day.  I was committed to changing my behaviors, my lies, my way of thinking, most of all, how to help my wife heal from my affair.  I was not an avid reader in the past, but since my affair, I have become an avid reader, not so much because I want to learn to change, but because I actually enjoy reading now.  I'm more proned to reading "How-to-books"

However, my BS is not an avid reader, nor an avid Forum attender.  I have suggested few times about this forum, some books, but I am counter attached with the look of, "How dare you tell me to read for help when YOU need the help." look and statement.

I have read so far 11 books since D-Day (February 11, 2016).  They have been a help to me in my behavioral changes.
Val
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Dirazz
It took about 3 or 4 months before I got over my anger enough to realize even though I wasn't the one who cheated I still needed to help our reconciliation. I did tell my husband when he wanted to go to a marriage counselor together that " why should I have to go to counseling? I didn't do anything wrong" we actually got in a huge fight about it. My WH soon realized that I needed to be ready with a open mind. He continued to work on himself. Then one day I did realize I needed to go with him. I just went up to him and said I'm ready to go to couples counseling. That's when things really started moving forward for us. lleckron give her some time. Hopefully she'll come to the same conclusion as me. Meanwhile keep doing what your doing.
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UrbanExplorer
I hope she comes around. I think it is nearly impossible to improve a marriage if one person feels the other needs to do all the work. One had the affair and has much work to do, but two are responsible for the state of the marriage overall.
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Anna26
lleckron wrote:


Brandi, I ordered the book 5 days after D-Day.  I was committed to changing my behaviors, my lies, my way of thinking, most of all, how to help my wife heal from my affair.  I was not an avid reader in the past, but since my affair, I have become an avid reader, not so much because I want to learn to change, but because I actually enjoy reading now.  I'm more proned to reading "How-to-books"

However, my BS is not an avid reader, nor an avid Forum attender.  I have suggested few times about this forum, some books, but I am counter attached with the look of, "How dare you tell me to read for help when YOU need the help." look and statement.

I have read so far 11 books since D-Day (February 11, 2016).  They have been a help to me in my behavioral changes.


Well, I'm with you on this one Lleckron, as the BS I read as many books as I could lay my hands on, desperately wanting to lay out a few ground rules and guide lines for my husband.  And it's all well and good trying to follow the advice in some of them and indeed I could have done this but it's made extremely difficult when the other half doesn't want to read them or doesn't seem to think they need to.  My husband said, 'what good will that do me'? 
So in the end I thought that the only one who was really going to help me was ME!  It was no use trying to follow all the guide lines, but there were a few I stuck to, that seemed logical to me, for example there was no way I could live with him if he was continuing to see her, so he moved out.

But in the end your wife may find she does need some help, whether that be counselling on her own for a while, the support of good friends, or she may even pick up that book when she's ready.
When the dust settles, the realisation will come that BOTH partners eventually have to do the work together to make any progress.

You're clearly committed to the process of healing and reconciliation and she'll see that you mean this from your actions.

She'll get there...in her own time
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