TriedSoHard
Ok, I don't know where to start. This is gonna be long. I apologize in advance.

 We have been together for 13 years, and married for 10 years. We have two kids. My Wife is 3 years younger than me. We have built a pretty good life together.

 Last July I noticed her being weird with her phone, not cooking anymore, neglecting the kids, and other things. I was worried what was wrong, but she seemed happy. She was still seemingly very much in love with me, and CLEARLY attracted to me. She seemed in a good mood. Still I was troubled by her phone suddenly being locked, and just the way she was clinging to it seemed suspicious.

  Sure enough I got ahold of the phone one day, and guessed the password. That's when I found out that she was talking to another guy. They had sent pics back, and fourth, and I saw they had planned a date. I was hurt, and confused, and began demanding explanations. She was defensive, and did the blame shifting thing.

  Its was because I  "never went on dates with her, or sent her flowers at work, or did the dishes, or laundry. " Things like that. She enjoyed the attention OM gave her, and it was because I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. So like a dummy I tried to change. I began going on dates with her again, and romancing her. 

 Of course now that Ive been lurking this forum, and read the right books I know that was a mistake. She just went out with OM anyway, and tried to lie about it.  I began to investigate like a detective, and uncover little facts. About 2 weeks of finding proof of contact with OM, even though Id tried to become what she claimed she wanted. She would either say Im nuts, or get mad that I was in her email, or whatever. I had discovered that they met on an online date site. That they had gone out together, and that he was sending her flowers, and cards, and stuff like that. I found out exactly who OM was, and that he himself was married too.

 She became seemingly disgusted with me. I told her I wasn't prepared to be in an open marriage, and watch her date OM. She said she wanted divorce. Something about hearing that sent me into a rage. I began to punch the punching bag, and swear. I just couldn't believe this was happening. I told her to see if OM was man enough to face me.  I would throw a big 12 punch combination on the heavy bag, and say "you think he wants that?" "He wont ever face me". She said she wasn't going to stay there with me in that state of mind, and left me with the kids.

 Moving forward in the interest of not putting yall to sleep.
I got a place of my own, and cut off contact with her. I loved her deeply, but my pride couldn't stand being around her. Now, I am ashamed for having abandoned my kids at that point. She would text me, and call me regularly. I wouldn't respond. It was during this time that I found this website, and another one much like it. I got Tims book, and another two books by a woman who has a similar discussion forum. I was served D papers in late August. I was willing to accept it. I was very sad, but I had been studying the books, and reading the forums, and was healing. I got myself in great shape, and came to terms with the fact that she was leaving me for OM.

 On the 37th day of ignoring her, and rebuilding my own life she shows up at my apartment. My cousin had told her where I was. She was crying, and begging me to come home. She said she wanted to work on things, and how she felt so scared without me there at night. She realized she couldn't live without me, and all that stuff. That she has stopped talking to OM, and swore that nothing sexual had happened. So I came home. 

 We went and sat down with her lawyer, and had the D put on hold. Meaning that we could still do it if we decided to for up to a year. At home she was all over me all the time. Im talking 4, or 5 times a day for the first month I was home. THe shower, the bed, the couch, the kitchen just wanting sex all the time. I was happy to give it. We were getting along great. It seemed that she missed me terribly while I was away, and realized what she stood to lose.

 Unfortunately I eventually got curious, and checked the phone bill. Sure enough she had been keeping in daily contact with OM. I began packing my stuff to go back to my apartment. She stated threatening to kill herself. Said she cant live without me. SO I told her that she must come totally clean about everything, and then cease contact with OM. She admitted that they had been having sex while I was living alone. That she had been living there some, and that the kids had been taken there too. I was sick, and wanted to vomit. Being the damn fool I am I accepted her apologies, and let her begging, and crying convince me to stick around.

 I began to inforce the advice of the books, and things I was reading on here from folks in the same situation. I detached, and stopped putting forth effort to work on things. I was believing half what I see, and none of what I hear. Time went by, and eventually we began to watch movies together, or do mad libs as a family. We began sleeping in each others arms again rather than on the far opposite ends of the bed. Sex started happening again. Then dates, and weekend trips. Thanksgving, and Christmas were pretty dang great I must admit. We were makin some good memories, and getting some great home movie footage on camera. 

 Which brings us to New Years eve. We were enjoying some wine, and fellowship with each other while the children were with my parents. She went on the back porch to smoke a cigarette. I was overwhelmed with a very uncomfortable feeling. I peeped out the window, and saw her texting on a phone I didn't recognize. WHen she came back in I confronted her, and demanded to see it. She refused, and ran to the bathroom. Obviously hiding something. I told her I was leaving since she clearly isn't willing to be open with me. As I was grabbing a few things to take with me she came out, and gave me the phone. She said she had nothing to hide so go ahead and look though it.

 Of course she had been alone with it for a few minutes so she deleted what she needed to. Still I went through it, and found a trash bin in an email on there with 50 something deleted emails from OM.  It was comical, and sick at the same time. Heartbreaking, and relieving at the same time.

 Stuff like "permission to take a shower Goddess?" "Permission to go to bed Goddess?" "Last Tuesday was wonderful Goddess. Thank you for allowing me release." ETC. There were pics of OM wearing panties, and a weird cage thing on his privates. FREAKY PERVERTED STUFF!

 SO needless to say I was taken aback by this. She was clearly not the woman I had known for 13 years. This was some freaky stuff, and she was horrified that I found it. She had thought she covered her tracks, and didn't think Id find this. She forgot to empty that damn trash bin LOL!

 I went back to the apartment, and didn't respond to her texts. She was sending me pics of her bleeding wrist, and saying "see what youre doing to me". I knew she wasn't gonna kill herself. It was just scratches to get attention, and not deep suicide cuts. Still it made me feel guilty for not being there. 

 I almost totally ignored her for awhile, and on January 20th she sent me a screenshot of a sent email to OM. It was a long letter insulting him, and complementing me. Telling him that she didn't know what she was thinking cheating on a real man with a twisted sissy like him. Telling him to never contact her again. It was long, and mean, and even made me feel bad for the weirdo. He had responded by simply saying that's fine, and he was tying to work on his marriage anyway. That she wasn't any good for him.

 Over the next few days she called me, and promised that she had truly had a great awakening. That she realized she was involved in sick evil. She went on, and on about how she would spend the rest of our lives together if it took that long to earn my trust back. She installed a tracking device on her car, and put an app on her phone so I could know her whereabouts at any time. She wanted me to create the password to her email, and not even tell her what it was. She was adamant that the only thing that mattered was earning my trust. SO on January 28th I came BACK home again.

 I was VERY untrusting. She clearly wanted me to be more trusting than I was. I reassured her that the steps she had willingly taken were enough to get me back home, but not enough to convince me that she was being real. I had given trust much too soon before, and this would take time. I couldn't say how long. After a few days she started wanting to have sex. I simply wanst feeling that. I couldn't get what I knew out of my mind. I had her go get tested, and eventually the results were relieving. She was clean at least. Then on Valentine Day I agreed to make love to her, but I couldn't perform. For the first time in my life I experienced erectile dysfunction. I just kept seeing those strange images in my head. I tied to focus on her. I DO LOVE HER!!! I don't want to be unable to give her my body when she desires it.

 She tried so hard for a couple weeks. Threw herself at me. Talked so kind, and uplifting to me. None of it mattered. I simply couldn't become aroused for her anymore. Then she came to me one day saying she had a surprise. She had cancelled the divorce. It was no longer pending. It was gone. As if it never got filed. She gave me the papers to sign my pat of it and that was it. No more divorce.

 That night when she reached out to touch me there was no more issue, and we made love like when we were newlyweds. I finally believed she was committed to me alone. She cried, and apologized over, and over while I told her to stop that. I forgave. Everyday after that she would send me text during the day about how the night before was amazing, and gives her chills to think about. What an amazing lover I am, and a good forgiving man. How she thanks GOd for having me as a Husband.

 I remember thinking how helpful this website had been for me. I loved her enough to make an idiot out of myself, but the advice I found on here, and in Tims book helped me set boundaries, and keep my sense of self respect even when I felt like crying. She seemed totally devoted to saving our family from brokenness. 

 A couple weeks ago she said she wanted to start doing these Uber rides. I knew nothing about it, but she explained it to me. LIke a cab service where you give people rides in youre personal car. I told her it made me uncomfortable, because was still dealing with trust issues. It had only been 2 & 1/2 months  since all the sneaky cheating, and lying. I was hesitant about agreeing to let her do it. SHe reminded me of the tracking device on the car, and phone, and said she wanted to do it bad so I reluctantly agreed.

 Within a week she had made almost a thousand dollars. We live very close to a major college campus, and those kids were constantly needing rides. She was also very excited, and happy about it. She felt like she was always wanting to tell me about her last rider, and where she went. She would show me on her phone the exact route she took, and the rating that the rider gave her. She wanted me to know exactly where shed been.

 So my mind stopped worrying so much about what really just amounted to "Is she gonna say shes got an uber, and then go to OM?". 

 Then on April 7th she started getting uber request at very late hours. I didn't like it. However I didn't make a fuss about it. So she left about 11 PM saying that the pay is better at that hour. I looked on the tracking device for the car, and saw that it sitting still. She clearly wasn't driving anybody anywhere. So I looked at the one on her phone, and saw that she was at a bar.

 I got mad, and when she got home I confronted her. She swore that she had just gone in there to use the restroom. How could I not be very suspicious after all she had lied about since July? So I told her I didn't want her doing anymore Ubers after it got too late. SHe threw a fit, and said she wanted to make money. That Im being paranoid. THat she has done everything possible to earn my trust back, and its getting her nowhere. I could tell she was guilty of something. I told her I feel like shes lying again, and being disrespectful. Reminded her how many times she swore she would do whatever it took to EARN my trust back.

 The next night she showed me the message that the drivers would be getting double pay. She phrased it to me like "please don't deny me the chance to earn our family this extra cash". So I said to do whatever she wanted to. Of course I tried to track her, but this time there was no signal. On the phone it was the same thing. So for whatever reason the whole tracking thing was not working for the first time. I tried to text but it kept saying message unable to send. I tried to call and it went straight to voice mail. She didn't get home till 2 AM, and was telling me all about her uber rides, and how much she appreciates me letting her do that. Problem was she had forgotten to wash away the "Drinking Age Verified" stamp on her hand.

 So there she was literally caught red handed lying. Her face was ghost white when I pointed to it, and said "whats this". She instinctively started trying to hide it. I said its too late. Your back to lying to me. Its not that she went out on the town its that she LIED again! My trust as back to square one. I just told her to save her words for somebody that would buy her lies. I went to bed with stress back on my mind.

 In the morning she was following me around like a lost puppy begging for approval. Trying to hug, and kiss me. Asking me why I was so upset. Telling me she was sorry she chose a bar to go to the restroom when there were other places she could have gone. I told her if she wasn't gonna come clean then don't even talk to me. 

 Same thing the next morning. I had my wall back up high, because she was clearly lying. She was on her best behavior for 3 months, but its was back to secrets, and lies. SO my wall was up, and my guard was high. SHe was trying desperately to get a kiss, and I wouldn't give it. I would jut ask if she had anything she wanted to come clean about. A stamp from a bar. The tracking being off. I can just tell when shes lying to me. Not every time, but many times I can simply just TELL.

 BTW this was the morning of our babies 3rd birthday. So we had this big party plan, and I didn't want to fight. I just didn't want to kiss her either. After everything shed done I honestly didn't want to think she had reverted back to anything horrible. How could I know though if she was not going to confess to WHATEVER had been going on. She had made an appointment that morning to take our daughter to her first manicure/pedicure to start off her birthday. She was suppose to be back at 3, and we would do the cake, and the presents. Our daughter was all excited, and happy to finally have her birthday. She had been asking about it for a couple weeks.

 So as I was strapping her in her car seat she said " I love you Daddy thank you for my birthday". I gave her a kiss, and told her to have fun. My W said "do I get one of those"? I said "are you gonna come clean?" She said "please stop being like this I don't know what you want me to say" The baby said "Daddy Mommy want a kiss you better give to her". So in that moment of extreme love for my adorable daughter I leaned in to give my W a kiss, and it ended up being a good one. She said "Thank you my amazing Husband. Please just trust me, and never stop loving me". I responded by saying that he "needs to be open, and honest with me". As they drove off she was blowing me kisses like a smitten teenager.

 Family started showing up. Her Dad, and my parents, and sisters. The neighbor kids. I got the balloons and cake all ready. My W sent me a pic of our daughter in the little chair getting her first pedicure, and smiling from ear to ear. A very heartwarming picture. So, Im not feeling bad at this pont, but in my head Im having trouble with that "drinking age verified" stamp a couple nights before, and how she said she was just in there to use the restroom. 3 Oclock rolls around, and she still aint home. People are getting restless. Everybody is all anxious to get the party started. I tried to call her. Straight to voicemail. Her Dad tries. Same thing. 4 Oclock, neighbors leave the presents on the table, and go home. 5 Oclock, ,her Dad has to be at work, so he goes. 5:30 my parents leave. SO now Im sitting here with a cake on the table, presents, and balloons everywhere, and they still aint back.

 Finally right before 7 they get home. Shes like "where the hell is everybody?".I couldn't believe it!  I said "babe we been telling people for 3 weeks today at 3 o clock, and you come back at 7 wondering where people are? What do you think? Everybody went on with there lives. The birthday girl wasn't here! They left the gifts, and left." 

 Her attitude is totally different now than it has been since the A ended. "EXCUSE ME!! Its not MY fault they took forever to do our nails!! This just shows how much people really care about our daughter! Who needs them anyway?!? We can have her birthday just fine without them!"

 Of course, the baby sees her cake, and stuff, and is ready to get started on her presents. Its just the 4 of us now, Me, Mommy, Big Brother, and her, but she don't care. We do the cake, and presents, and Im trying so hard to keep my cool. I don't wanna ruin this day. As soon as the last present is opened my W proclaims "Ive got an Uber Ill be back", and drives off.

 About two hours later she sends me a text saying she "wont be coming home tonight. That she dosent have to deal with my suspicious questions. She tried as hard as she could have for almost 4 months, and I still don't make her feel loved. She dosent have to tolerate that kind of controlling treatment. I don't have the right to know where she is at all times. See has realized I will never truly forgive her, and shes done being my subject." 

 So that morning she was begging for kisses, and then this behavior just a few hours later. This after a few months of near perfect behavior. I NEVER asked her to put tracking on her phone, or give me access to her email. I never demanded that she take the password off her phone. I was done snooping, and spying. That was ALL her choice. I want trying to control her. Now, its was comforting to be able to see where she was, and I DID get use to it. Point is I didn't MAKE her do that. It looked like she was really ready to save this family.

 I got the kids to bed that night, and tried to call her. No luck. Just for the heck of it I tied to track her phone again. "Can not be located". I logged in, and looked at the phone bill. There was OM number. She had sent him a text at 2 something that afternoon. Right around the time people started showing up for our girls b-day. There were texts back, and forth until about 5:30. Sometimes she would send 4 or 5 texts to his 1. So it was pretty clear why she wasn't coming home that night.

 She showed up around 11 the next morning. She had a bag of food, and was acting like nothing happened. "Hey baby I got you a breakfast burrito". I just ignored her. After a few minutes she said she was "sorry for ruining the B-day party". 

 I messed up, and started asking where shed been, why shed contacted OM, and why had she lied back in January. All that talk about how much I meant to her, and how she was willing to be patient while I learned to trust again. ALL THAT HONEY IN MY EAR! I started demanding answers, and explanations. I got emotional, and IM not proud of it, because I knew from the studying Id done that its not the thing to do. 

 She maintained she had not gone to OM, and understood why I would think that. She said she thought I didn't want her anymore. I tried in vain, like a fool, to reason with her. I hadn't been cold, or untrusting for awhile until I saw that stamp on her hand, and she started acting fishy again. 

So she admitted that she had lied. Come to find out she wasn't doing ubers the whole time, but was in fact going to the beer joint. She said she knew I wouldn't approve so she HAD to lie. A little more demanding of explanations, and she confesses that she has actually been WORKING there from 11 to 1 am Thurs-Sat. I had to go I was already late so I went to work pretty upset. Angry, Hurt, ashamed, all the usual. 

 Over the next few days I couldn't help making comments I shouldn't have. I would hint that I suspected she had committed adultery again. Her whole attitude had changed so suddenly. I would ask her why she contacted OM again, and she would say because I wouldn't kiss her, and it hut her feelings. Like a fool, Id try to explain that it was because I KNEW she was being dishonest again, and it hurt MY pride. I wanted to believe that she was willing to be honest now, after ALL that talk, and getting along. I didn't even realize I had let my walls down this much. I thought that I knew this day would likely come, and I would be ready to say "ok I gave you a final chance, and you blew it". Im ashamed that I got all broken hearted again. The evidence was pretty clear that she had cheated again, but I wanted to cling to naivety.

 I wanted to see her phone, and she gave it to me. It had a passcode lock on it again. I asked her why, and she just smiled a devilish grin. I began to get upset. I started to demand the password, and she just looked at me like I was entertaining her. Just holding back laughing in my face.

 I was so upset, because she had been so GOOD since January, and in the blink of an eye she was somebody else again. For goodness sakes the A was ended the D was canceled, and she was jumping through hoops to prove herself.

 It changed in literally no time. Obviously it was contact with OM that changed her attitude. Not my refusal to kiss her for 3 days. I tie in vain to make her admit that. She had her blinders on though. I made her feel like she wasn't loved. Nevermind she started lying again. Still like an idiot I pressed more each day when I know I shoulda just left.

 Then she called me at work Friday the 15th. She was crying, and said she wanted to talk when I got home. She said she didn't want to lie no more, and we needed to see what we would do. That made me anxious. I was glad she would be coming clean, but knowing the truth would sting. Whatever though because before I got home she texted me saying she had to go, and would be back later.

 She was gone all weekend. No tracking. No texting. No contact at all. Just gone. Our D cried for mommy all weekend. Im ashamed as can be to admit that I was hurt MORE THAN EVER this time. I didn't think I could let myself get like this again. When she showed back up Sunday night with a bunch of shoes, and clothes wanting to get my opinion on what I thought, I snapped.

 "Where the hell have you BEEN? Your baby was screaming for you! You have any clue how stressed out Ive been? You better start coming clean! Whats WRONG with you? Answer me damn it! Is this all Im worth to you? Have you been with OM? etc".

 She couldn't look at me. Started crying, and just said "Im sorry I don't know whats wrong with me. I was with him, but I didn't commit adultery. I swear. We just went shopping, and to the movies, and stuff. I swear I dindt cheat. Youre so good, and deserve so much better than me. Im no good. I tried to be, but I cant."

 I couldn't stop. "WHY damn it? WHY cant you stay away from him? WHY did you beg me back into your arms only to go to him again?" I kept pressing angrily for absolute confession, and explanation. I saw her getting more, and more frustrated. Moving from guilt to frustration. I knew I needed to stop, but I was letting anger, hurt, and false hope drive me onward.

Eventually she told me "Hes more attractive than you. I like his body better. Hes better looking in the face. YES IVE BEEN COMMITING ADULTERY AGAIN! I wanted to! Not him! Just leave him alone. It was all my idea. You are second place now. You were the best I had until he came into my life. I know hes a coward, and a pathetic excuse for a man, but he feels better sexually than you do. You dragged the truth out of me now CAN YOU HANDLE IT?? When Im on top of you I see your chest and abs, and I get self conscious, because Im FAT! I feel like Im breaking you. You want the truth here it is. Your athletic body is not what turns me on anymore. I prefer how he feels and how he lets me USE him! He just does what hes told to do."

...So I told her go have what she needs. The next day she left, and hasn't been back home. So almost 3 days now. I haven't stopped hearing those confessions. Its humiliating, but reliving to know. All this time Ive been told its not sexual its emotional. He was just more kind, and empathic. The cold reality is that she prefers short, chubby and submissive over tall skinny, and athletic. It comes down to lust. All that time I wasted being patient, and forgiving. Trying to be a "better" man.

So here we are. After 13 years. I fell to number 2 in the bedroom because she prefers the way sex feels with him. Plus all the freaky dominatrix/slave aspect of it. Not my cup of coffee at all! 

The divorce is done away with so its new L fees now. It was all just a big waste of time effort, and money. I feel better just revealing all this craziness. I am too embarrassed to tell those who know me the whole disgusting truth. Im glad there is a bunch of strangers to share this with.

 I know its funny on some level, and even though Im dealing with extreme feelings of inadequacy, and humiliation I KNOW its comical. Its worthy of laughing at! What an idiot Ive been!  Im happy to answer any questions. Truth is Im really more sad than Ive been through it all. I never should have started trusting her again at all, and even now God help me I STILL love her deeply. IM just not sure its possible to ever feel like my love can hold her.

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[Note: Post was edited slightly by Moderator to eliminate some sexually explicit descriptions.]
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sunflower07
Oh my. I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I'm answering because it's 1 am and I want to say something in case you are reaching out for support. I know I would check my own posts quite often when I felt discouraged.

She sounds very messed up right now. I don't see that you said you were going to counseling. I'm the BS too and my husband got way in over his head with an AP that was very out of character for him. She was giving him oral sex while she had a newborn baby. This is something that makes him cringe now, but at the time he was part of it even though morally he doesn't agree with it. The mind does terrible things to try to fill the gap when we behave very differently than how we believe.

I wonder if she ever stopped the contact with him at all? Probably not. She sounds like she is still in the fog of the affair.

I think you have to think about how to protect yourself and it sounds like your children are very young so I am sure that protecting them must also be on your mind.

I wouldn't believe everything she says about the sex piece. She's saying that to justify to herself what she is doing. She is REALLY REALLY messed up! My husband said all kinds of crazy things about me right after DDay in order to justify his affair. AND for the 16 months that it went on, he treated me awful! He is only starting to see this now after ending his affair. We have started counseling and it has helped.

I know there are so many good resources that Tim T has put on here about what to do when your spouse keeps going back and forth. There is a taped session about this too. I think it's about ping ponging. Perhaps it would give you some guidance to listen to it?

Once again, I am so sorry and I will say a prayer for you and your family tonight, even for your wife because it sounds like she is a troubled soul who really needs to find her way out of this. I hope this helps!
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Fionarob
I am so sorry to hear your story, especially as it is similar to mine in so many ways.  My husband has been having an affair for 2.5 years and in that time I have suffered 9 discoveries that the affair was continuing when I thought it was over.  For me to tell you all the details would take all day, but, like you, I forgave every time and believed the promises that it was over.  I wanted our marriage to work, so when he told me he would never contact her again, I fell for it.

Your wife is like my husband - she doesn't want to loose you or her marriage, but she can't end the affair either.  To put it simply she wants both.  And just like my husband, she will continue to have both as long as she can get away with it.  You are in the same triangle I found myself in and it's very strong whilst all three parts are staying in it.  I realised that no matter what I did, no matter how much I changed, he would never end the affair unless he wanted to.  I had to be the one to get out of the triangle, so I have.

After 2.5 years I finally feel too much damage has been done to ever forgive him again....the lies, the deceit, the blaming, the anger - it all takes it's toll.  It has destroyed any feelings I had for my husband.  I cannot get over the fact that my he has a complete disregard for what this has done to ME.  He has no respect for me, even though I have done everything in my power to save our marriage and not do this to our children.  He is unable to think of anyone but himself.

Your wife has the security of you taking her back, even after you have moved out several times.  She knows how to win you round.  I am not judging you for this - I did it too.  I took him back every single time, and every time he threw it back at me.  You have my sympathy, to live a life like this is torture. 

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ConfusedInLimbo
My Gosh my heart goes out to you . You are a good man and you deserve to find a woman who will see that and appreciate it . So sorry to hear your story . Keep strong, time heals.
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LLL2015
TriedSoHard,
I am assuming she is not living at home now? Does that mean the children are with you?

There are some statements you made about your wife's behavior: "neglecting the kids," taking one or both of them with her to ??? (where exactly with the OM?), sabotaging your daughter's birthday party, and suicidal attempts in front of the children (even if they were "pretend," the kids at any age would not understand that). These behaviors seem abusive in nature and I question the damaging effects they could have on your children. Have you documented some of these occasions? Reported the suicide attempts? Are you now in the process of divorce again?
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TriedSoHard
 Right. She has moved in with OM. The kids are with me full time.

 She has spent maybe a total of 4 days with the kids in the last 6 weeks. Shes been going on vacations to the coast with OM, and got them together as the screensaver on her phone. At the same time I found out she has another dating site where shes talking to other dudes.

 Every ohhh, 3 days or so I get a big, long text from her saying how she has woke up and nolonger wants to be bad. Shes crazy
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