SoUnUsual

I’m just having a rough day. I didn’t sleep much last night. I’m full of resentment, having spiteful and angry thoughts, fantasizing about revenge and picturing myself in a new life. I’m a BS and It’s been nearly 2 months since d-day. We’ve been trying to work things out. We are in couples therapy as well as both of us in individual therapy. Although I have agreed to stay in the marriage for now, I have been open with my husband about my feelings about the marriage and about him. My feelings have changed, I am not sure if I still love him in the way I once did. I am not sure I can make this marriage work. 

What do you all do when you’re having a particularly bad day? Was there a point when you knew your marriage was over? 

Female BS - Together 21 years - 2 kids -  DDay February 16, 2020
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Keepabuzz
SoUnUsual wrote:

I’m just having a rough day. I didn’t sleep much last night. I’m full of resentment, having spiteful and angry thoughts, fantasizing about revenge and picturing myself in a new life. I’m a BS and It’s been nearly 2 months since d-day. We’ve been trying to work things out. We are in couples therapy as well as both of us in individual therapy. Although I have agreed to stay in the marriage for now, I have been open with my husband about my feelings about the marriage and about him. My feelings have changed, I am not sure if I still love him in the way I once did. I am not sure I can make this marriage work. 

What do you all do when you’re having a particularly bad day? Was there a point when you knew your marriage was over? 




I’m a BS coming up on 5 years since d-day. Everyday was a bad day for the first year for me.  Lack of sleep always made it worse. I think it’s good that your open with your husband about your feelings. We also went to couples therapy, which I thought was a big waste of time and money. 


I don’t love my wife like I did before her affair. I never will. I have had to accept that, as has she. It took her a long time to truly accept that things between us would never, ever be the same again. That’s not to say things can’t be good, but never the same. We have a good marriage now, but I still have walls up. Those walls may never come down. I no longer feel like I have that one person that is mine, the one I chose and who chose me. We love each other, we get along well, we have a nice life together, etc,  but that fairy tale of “the one” is long gone.

We were talking about this corona virus, as I travel often for business. I made the statement that she would be fine, if I were to get it and die. I simply said you will have plenty of money, and I’m sure you will find someone new. She got pretty upset and said she wouldn’t be fine, that she couldn’t live without  me, and she wouldn’t never find anyone new. I simply said, “I don’t doubt that you feel like that now, but you are the one who found someone new while I was still breathing and living with you”. Well that made her cry more, and she took as some kind of barb. But i made it clear that I didn’t say that in anger, or in an effort to shame her or hurt her, just simply stayed a fact.  She may not like the reality that she created, but that doesn’t make it go away.


In those early days, where you are now, when I would have a particularly hard day I would focus on just getting through the day. Not look too far ahead.  Looking too far ahead is overwhelming, when honestly you’re already past overwhelmed, right? There were days when my goal had to be to get through the work day, so I could go home or my hotel and drink myself to sleep.  Slowly, ever so painfully slowly you will be able to look farther and farther ahead. But don’t rush it.  If making it through the next hour is all you can do, then that’s all you can do.  


For me, my marriage was over the instant my wife confessed what she had done. I left for a week, I only came home because my daughters needed me. I decided for the sake of my children I would “try” to stay, but with extremely strong and clear boundaries.  I set a date for 6 months in my mind. I decided I would stay for 6 months as long as she didn’t violate any of my boundaries. If she did, I would have left immediately.  At 6 months I was still there only for my kids, so I decided to give it 6 more months.  I did this for 2 years.  It was about then when I thought maybe, just maybe I could stay, long term.  I will never say I’m all in, because I’m not, and I won’t ever be.  I was all in, and I got destroyed. I won’t do that again. The way I put this to my wife was like this:

“Our old marriage is dead, you destroyed it and me. I am giving you a chance, a chance you DO NOT deserve to try to build something new for the sake of our children. I am not, and will never be here with you for better or worse again. you put me through the worst, and I live with it everyday of my life.  I’m here only for the better. This new “thing” will be great, or over. Me being here with you will never be a guarantee. I can and will be gone in less than 15 minutes, if any of my boundaries are violated, or if I even suspect you are doing anything deceitful. I will never play detective again. It’s up to you to ensure my gut never tells me you’re lying. I will always trust my gut over your word.”

No one can tell you if you should stay or go. I really can’t think of a decision that is personal than that one. It’s terribly difficult one as well.  The only advise I would give you is don’t rush yourself.  Even though you don’t feel like it, YOU are in control. Make you boundaries clear, and make the consequences clear as well.  My boundaries only had one consequence, and that was she would never she me or speak to me again, I would be gone. At times I honestly hoped she would violate one of my boundaries so it would make my decision clear and easy, but she never did. 

I would HIGHLY recommend getting some meds form your doc to help you sleep. Lack of sleep always did, and still does make things exponentially harder.  

It always helped me to come here and “let it out” too.  

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BlindCheetah

I’m almost 6 months from DDay 1, my husband took a couple of months to get his head out of his ass, he is gradually getting better at helping me handle the $h!tstorm he created. It’s an emotional  roller coaster with bad tracks, some days I think we’re about to derail, some days I feel like we have it all figured out.

I think it’s actually a good time for us to be quarantined he’s forced to be more involved and is doing a decent job of distracting me when I start overthinking things I can’t change. At 2 months I was in pure survival mode. Long walks are still my best friend. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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stillstanding
I wish I could say - it will pass quickly - it will not.  You will have so many bad days.  I am 3.5 years out with many mini-D-days within a 4.5 year period.  Terrible days - and I still have pain - however, better days will outnumber the bad in time.  It does take time and lots of work to fight for the better.  Try time for yourself, not for the us.  Exercise, walk, journal, read, talk... just know it is normal.  There are days you will feel and say to yourself -HOW could I love this man, why should I love this man.... if he is repentant then his actions will show more and more and when you see his good it will help you answer those questions.  Don't let one moment of hatred and pain make the decision for you - Peace.
BS ~ sometimes I fall but I am always #stillstanding
Married 38 years
DD 12.2.16 plus many other smaller DDs 
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ThrivenotSurvive

I am about a 5 weeks shy of 4 years post DD.  I am pretty happy in myself, my life - and my marriage at this point.  However I spent the first 18 month in what felt like a never-ending roller coaster of emotion and regularly thought about leaving.  I had read a post by Keepabuzz that talked about the 6 month timeline he was using and it made sense to me.  I didn't want to make a HUGE decision in the heat of emotion (my husband doing that when he was feeling rejected and entitled was what had got us into this crappy place) so I decided to work on myself first while making no major moves. 

I reasoned that when I was more healed within myself, I could choose to leave or stay from a stronger and more stable place.  If my husband had grown during that time, I might choose to stay.  If he hadn't (or I couldn't get past it), I could leave.  I'd not only leave in a healthier, more balanced state - but I'd also have the benefit of both he and I (and our daughter) knowing I'd really tried.  That suited my personality and values.  

A caveat to this approach - it cannot and will not work if the WS is still having contact with the AP or is not working hard to be a caring and respectful partner.  Part of why I COULD heal in my home environment is that my husband was doing NO FURTHER HARM.  He cut all contact with the AP outside of work and as soon as that project was over made it clear that he didn't want to work together anymore. The AP believed him and ended up moving across the country to get away from the memories.  He gave me access to his whereabouts, accounts, etc.  He learned to be transparent about what he was thinking and feeling in a way he'd NEVER done before.  He did not engage in behaviors that hurt me, and when he inadvertently had massive brain farts that caused him to say or do something that triggered me, he apologized, was not defensive and worked to understand how/why it triggered me so he didn't do it again. 

If he had continued to do things that undermined my self-confidence (which was clearly wrecked), feelings of safety (like most, I was battling hyper vigilance and PTSD symptoms) - I would have had to leave.  There is no healing in an environment where you can't begin to slowly bring your nervous system down off of high alert.  And while part of that is entirely in YOUR hands - the other part is in your surroundings.  If your spouse is not doing EVERYTHING in their power to NOT trigger your fear (whether they agree that what you are asking for is warranted or not) they are not safe for you.  

I've written a couple posts about some of the things that helped me along the way, I will see if I can find some links and post them below.  Hope you are having a better day today.  This is a difficult time for everyone and to be going through the early days after DD as well - I can't imagine.  Be kind to yourself.  You don't need all the answers today - or even in the next six months.  You are still in the VERY early part of the trauma where it is very difficult to think straight. IT WILL GET BETTER.  I rarely think about the affair anymore - there was a time it was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of at night.  Now, it barely - and rarely - registers.   

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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ThrivenotSurvive
Here's one I found, i know there are more...  I hope something in there helps.

https://community.affairhealing.com/post/for-the-newly-betrayed-it-does-get-better-10373933?&trail=15
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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SoUnUsual

Thank you so much thrivenotsurvive. It is really encouraging to me to know that you have moved past the pain and rarely think about it. I am like you described, thinking about it almost all the time. It is affecting my digestive system, my sleep, everything. I’ve definitely been feeling like my thoughts are bordering on obsessive at times and it drives me crazy.  Sometimes I want to drive to the AP’s house and smash all her car windows or drop something heavy on my husband while he’s sleeping (I won’t, I’m just really angry sometimes). 

My husband is by all accounts doing everything he “should be” doing. He is in individual counseling, he listens to the affair healing podcast and read a book that was recommended by someone. He is working on being more transparent with his feelings (I think this might be his biggest struggle) and I have access to all of his devices and accounts. He seems truly remorseful and desperately wants me to stay. 

I really appreciate the reminder that I do not have to make a decision right away. I am a nurse and my mindset usually involves finding a problem, coming up with a solution and then making it happen quickly. I’m not very good at sitting with indecision, so this is pretty hard for me. 

Female BS - Together 21 years - 2 kids -  DDay February 16, 2020
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ThrivenotSurvive
Oh I gt that - I am a very decisive and action oriented person in my professional life.  Learning to be okay in the "not knowing" was VERY hard for me.  

As a nurse, you have a great foundation to understand what is happening in your body and mind right now.  I really dove into the advances in neuroscience and read nearly every book I could find on rewiring the brain after trauma.  A few that really resonated with me became like manuals - I re-reread them over and over and practiced what they suggested with a nearly religious fervor. 

I also looked into all the ways I could support my physical body and created a regimen for myself that made sense with my life.  Focusing on my emotional and physical well being (almost like it was my JOB) helped take at least some of the focus off my husband and the AP, which as you know, is VERY hard in the beginning.  It helped tame my overthinking somewhat (I am a champion overthinker) and the added bonus is that I had no long term effects from the unbelievable stress - unlike many here who developed major health problems resulting from the insane levels of stress they endured.  

I also feel that many of the skills of self-regulation that I had to learn to calm my nervous system became very valuable in dealing with all of life.  I find that I react far more calmly and less personally to nearly every situation at home or work now.  It's a lot like intense physical therapy - it is painful and sometimes you wonder if the cure is going to kill you faster than the original injury... but later you find that you are often stronger and more resilient. 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Glenda_1937
This is the 1st time I've posted on this site but have read many of your stories and can identify with all of you.  My D-day was 12-17-2018 when I found out my husband was having an affair with a friend of mine (no longer) for 3 1/2 years.  At the time, we had been married 61 years and had know each other 64 years.  We have not gone to counseling as we are having trouble finding a counselor who specializes in "Affairs". On D-day, we were getting ready to go on a trip and was about 3 minutes from getting into the car when I noticed a dinner receipt on the kitchen table from the night before and I had been gone that evening so I knew he had taken someone else out to dinner.  When I asked him about the receipt, he tried to lie his way out but soon told me about his affair with my friend and that he loved her and they had talked about "being a couple" many times but he said he couldn't ask me for a divorce.  I guess he liked to have his cake and eat it too.  I had asked him many times if there was some chemistry between him and her and he kept saying "no".  We did go on the trip and it took him 4 days into the trip to decide that he would break it off with his AF when we returned home and he did meet her the next day and broke it off and hasn't contacted her since.  He tells me now that I'm the only one he loves and begs for forgiveness.  Basically, though out our 62 years together he has been a man of integrity except for a short time 40 years ago when I got served with divorce papers but he never went through with it.  I will be 83 years old next week and an attractive, active women who loves dancing which has been our hobby for 54 years.  Some days are good but there's still too many bad days where I lose sleep and am still very angry.  We have ordered 5 books on "affairs" which we find somewhat helpful and we also watch a lot of videos on "affair recovery" site which are great.  His affair was not only emotional but also physical and he spent thousands of dollars on his AF person which makes me so angry.  It hurts so much because I was not only betrayed by him but also my "so-called" friend.  Thanks so much friends for posting as it helps me not feel so alone.  I have decided that I will stay with him because I see that he is trying to make amends - he has turned over his cell phone and I have access to all our financial accounts. - G
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BlindCheetah

@Glenda_1937

Welcome, sorry your here.  

Do you know why he wanted a divorce 40 years ago? 

Your story reminds me a little of the time my dad was on the jury for a murder trial.  She was about your age. 

 

 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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Glenda_1937
We were married at a very young age and there were mother-in-law problems as his mother and dad lived down the street from us and his mother was very very controlling and our 3 girls were teenagers and were acting out and I think he was just ready to escape and start a new life and meet new people (especially women) which he did do but about 11 months later, he asked to come home.
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