I’m just having a rough day. I didn’t sleep much last night. I’m full of resentment, having spiteful and angry thoughts, fantasizing about revenge and picturing myself in a new life. I’m a BS and It’s been nearly 2 months since d-day. We’ve been trying to work things out. We are in couples therapy as well as both of us in individual therapy. Although I have agreed to stay in the marriage for now, I have been open with my husband about my feelings about the marriage and about him. My feelings have changed, I am not sure if I still love him in the way I once did. I am not sure I can make this marriage work.
What do you all do when you’re having a particularly bad day? Was there a point when you knew your marriage was over?
I’m a BS coming up on 5 years since d-day. Everyday was a bad day for the first year for me. Lack of sleep always made it worse. I think it’s good that your open with your husband about your feelings. We also went to couples therapy, which I thought was a big waste of time and money.
I don’t love my wife like I did before her affair. I never will. I have had to accept that, as has she. It took her a long time to truly accept that things between us would never, ever be the same again. That’s not to say things can’t be good, but never the same. We have a good marriage now, but I still have walls up. Those walls may never come down. I no longer feel like I have that one person that is mine, the one I chose and who chose me. We love each other, we get along well, we have a nice life together, etc, but that fairy tale of “the one” is long gone.
We were talking about this corona virus, as I travel often for business. I made the statement that she would be fine, if I were to get it and die. I simply said you will have plenty of money, and I’m sure you will find someone new. She got pretty upset and said she wouldn’t be fine, that she couldn’t live without me, and she wouldn’t never find anyone new. I simply said, “I don’t doubt that you feel like that now, but you are the one who found someone new while I was still breathing and living with you”. Well that made her cry more, and she took as some kind of barb. But i made it clear that I didn’t say that in anger, or in an effort to shame her or hurt her, just simply stayed a fact. She may not like the reality that she created, but that doesn’t make it go away.
In those early days, where you are now, when I would have a particularly hard day I would focus on just getting through the day. Not look too far ahead. Looking too far ahead is overwhelming, when honestly you’re already past overwhelmed, right? There were days when my goal had to be to get through the work day, so I could go home or my hotel and drink myself to sleep. Slowly, ever so painfully slowly you will be able to look farther and farther ahead. But don’t rush it. If making it through the next hour is all you can do, then that’s all you can do.
For me, my marriage was over the instant my wife confessed what she had done. I left for a week, I only came home because my daughters needed me. I decided for the sake of my children I would “try” to stay, but with extremely strong and clear boundaries. I set a date for 6 months in my mind. I decided I would stay for 6 months as long as she didn’t violate any of my boundaries. If she did, I would have left immediately. At 6 months I was still there only for my kids, so I decided to give it 6 more months. I did this for 2 years. It was about then when I thought maybe, just maybe I could stay, long term. I will never say I’m all in, because I’m not, and I won’t ever be. I was all in, and I got destroyed. I won’t do that again. The way I put this to my wife was like this:
“Our old marriage is dead, you destroyed it and me. I am giving you a chance, a chance you DO NOT deserve to try to build something new for the sake of our children. I am not, and will never be here with you for better or worse again. you put me through the worst, and I live with it everyday of my life. I’m here only for the better. This new “thing” will be great, or over. Me being here with you will never be a guarantee. I can and will be gone in less than 15 minutes, if any of my boundaries are violated, or if I even suspect you are doing anything deceitful. I will never play detective again. It’s up to you to ensure my gut never tells me you’re lying. I will always trust my gut over your word.”
No one can tell you if you should stay or go. I really can’t think of a decision that is personal than that one. It’s terribly difficult one as well. The only advise I would give you is don’t rush yourself. Even though you don’t feel like it, YOU are in control. Make you boundaries clear, and make the consequences clear as well. My boundaries only had one consequence, and that was she would never she me or speak to me again, I would be gone. At times I honestly hoped she would violate one of my boundaries so it would make my decision clear and easy, but she never did.
I would HIGHLY recommend getting some meds form your doc to help you sleep. Lack of sleep always did, and still does make things exponentially harder.
It always helped me to come here and “let it out” too.