we are out about 5 almost six weeks since I busted her out. The affair she has was a lot of sexting and talk about so on. She told me that she only met up with one guy one time and that was just coffee. I've had my doubts about that.
We had some issues many many years ago and started to see a professional to work things out. We've gone back to him now twice and he is helping us with getting back on track. He gave me one "big" piece of advice. From here out don't ask questions about the past, don't ask for anymore details. When you ask for the who,what,when, where and why's you only get hurt by what you find out. He said that in his 20 years he's never had a client that took that advice. I promised I would, and I intend to keep that promise.
I've done my best to keep looking forward and not get stuck looking back. However I keep wondering and thinking something is going to happen, some bomb is going to get dropped on me.
The night I confronted my wife and busted her out, I told her she needed to lay it all out there, put it out there so that I can work though it. That I was giving her one opportunity to tell me everything, I had to ask questions and drag most of the information out of her but I got some. She said that's it. A few days or a week later I asked again before we move forward, she assured me there was not.
Although I'm supposed to be looking forward, moving forward and not looking back I've found myself wondering and craving some information, truth. I had a gut feeling and my gut has never not once steered me wrong. I jumped on craigslist and ended up tracking down a post looking for her. I confronted the guy and he not only took the post down but didn't email me back.
Inside this post was some information that would prove, if true, that my wife did not disclose everything and the stuff she did disclose was lies. I took a screen shot and sent it to her and I was flipping. I told her I wanted a divorce and all that stuff that comes with that type of conversation. I didn't call her names or insult her in any way, but it was a pretty heated conversation. She told me that she had talked to this guy but what he said in his post did not happen. I told her to swear on our daughters life, and she did. So at the time I decided to believe her, that's a pretty serious swear.
Here comes the HOWEVER....I've been thinking about it non stop and I can't seem get past it. I can't seem to put it behind me and move on. Since "D Day" as most seem to call it I've been put on a few different meds. Anti depressants, anxiety pills, beta blockers, blood pressure pills, and one to help me fall and stay asleep. Before this I took a pill for stomach acid and that's it.
So here is what I need advice on:
I love my wife, I want to spend my entire life with her, and I do want to move forward in our marriage. There are a few red flags that tells me she is and was lying to me, things that would be hard to explain to you since you don't know her. If what I think she did she did do, I would most likely be able to get past it, but lying I can't. Now I'm clever and sneaky enough that if I want to I can get on craigslist and I can post and answer posts like I am her. I could find this guys she talked to and then confront them, I'm going to guess that at least some of them (I don't know how many there were she was talking to) would give up information and tell me what really happened. I could take her phone and I could restore messages, photos, and all that. I think I could do all this and most likely do it quickly. I might find out that she is telling me the truth, I might find out that she's lying and has been the whole time. I might not find any answers one way or the other. If I find out she is/was lying she's gone; if I find out that she's been telling me the truth then I can put it all behind me; if I don't find any answers then I'll spend the next week or two in sever anxiety and a state of constant cruddy. I'm already having sever panic attacks and at least two of these three options would increase the anxiety and give me more attacks. I know she's had no contact with any the the guys she was chatting with, cause I was able to get into her accounts and see. I also have been monitoring her phone and I haven't seen any evidence that she's been doing it.
So what do you think? Do I leave well enough alone, quit looking for things, don't try to find anything more, and move on? Do I do my investigations and make the discoveries (even finding nothing is a discovery)?
Oh yeah let me add one vital piece of information: When my wife got home from work she used my email address and confronted the guy on craigslist and said don't put this stuff out there I didn't meet up with you I didn't do those things you said and so on. We have not heard back.
Folks I'm in a fog and I don't know where to turn, I feel as though I have no one to talk with, no one that understands where I am or what I'm going through. The one friend that I've confided in is a mutual friend so I don't want to give out too much information and have her and my wife's friendship effected, plus 2 years ago this gal had a very extensive affair and she tends to defend my wife. So I turn to you here. I know this isn't the make all place and no one can make my decisions for me, however I need to hear some different points of view so that I can make the decision. Right now I'm just toying with the idea of not doing a thing, separating from my wife for a couple 2-4 weeks and see where we are at then. I think doing an investigation would be exhausting and do me more harm than good both physically and mentally.
Thanks all for taking the time to read this whole rant and help me out