Phoenix
It's one of many days, Yesterday was the anniversary of the first kiss with my AP. MY BS is in a lot of pain and has a lot of anger. He is asking me to contact my AP (from 20 years ago). He wants me to tell him how much I love him and how I have destroyed my marriage for him. He was able to track him down. When I had my affair he was single. Now he has a family. I do not want to do this. First I believe my BS is asking me to do this out of his pain and anger and two I do not see a point to disrupt someones life after 20 year. Yes he disrupted my husbands first but I do not think it is fair for his now wife. Could this be restitution? I really don't think this is conducive in anyway? I want to show my good faith but this I beliee is to much. Please help!
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ABCOneTwoThree
In no way does an AP from 20 years ago deserve to be contacted at this point. Especially so you can give him some scripted lines your husband is demanding from you. 
This is not restitution in any way, shape or form, it’s just maliciousness. 
Honestly, even if you were just a few months post affair, it still wouldn’t be wise to contact him and spout the crap your husband wants you to say, or to contact him at all. But the fact that it’s been 20+ years, and he has a wife and family now? No way. Can you imagine the pain it could cause his wife to read a message from a woman from his past declaring her love for him?
Leave him and his family alone. If either of you reach out to him it will only cause both of you pain, and you’ll likely cause drama and pain in his marriage too, and maybe your husband sees that as a fitting punishment, but he needs to remember that your APs wife is a completely innocent party in this, and deserves to be left in peace. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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Keepabuzz
Phoenix wrote:
It's one of many days, Yesterday was the anniversary of the first kiss with my AP. MY BS is in a lot of pain and has a lot of anger. He is asking me to contact my AP (from 20 years ago). He wants me to tell him how much I love him and how I have destroyed my marriage for him. He was able to track him down. When I had my affair he was single. Now he has a family. I do not want to do this. First I believe my BS is asking me to do this out of his pain and anger and two I do not see a point to disrupt someones life after 20 year. Yes he disrupted my husbands first but I do not think it is fair for his now wife. Could this be restitution? I really don't think this is conducive in anyway? I want to show my good faith but this I beliee is to much. Please help!


Thats a tough one. I can see both sides. Your AP is also responsible for your Husband’s pain and suffering. I can see how it would be very difficult for your husband to see your former AP having a happy family and life (at least in appearance), and your husband’s world is destroyed. I do not think you should contact your AP and read whatever script your husband wants you too. I also think it’s fine for you to refuse to contact him. I don’t see how you would, nor do I think you should try to stop your husband from contacting him though, if he so chooses. I agree that your husband is doing this out of pain and anger. That doesn’t make him wrong to want to make your AP feel some pain. I think your husband is well within his rights to go to your AP’s house and let loose on him and tell his wife who he really is. What he did.  And even give him a thorough a$$ whipping. Those are consequences that occur when you cheat with another man’s wife. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
I am not sure I understand.  Is your husband asking that you tell the ex-AP how much you love your husband?  or the ex-AP? 

Regardless - in my opinion this is not restitution.  And i don't think it is fair to the wife.  

BUT I don't really get why he thinks it would make him feel better.  Try (if you can) to get to the bottom of the "meaning of the act" to your husband.  Rather than say no (which in his highly reactive state right now just feels like not choosing him, rather than the rational decision it is), just ask him why he feels that would make him feel better.  Does he need the ex-AP to know that you've stayed with him out of love rather than obligation?  Does he feel it will allow him to regain some part of his dignity?  Is it revenge?  If he just wants to cause discord in the ex-APs marriage because he caused it in his?  If so, it's understandable - but there are innocent bystanders.  He may need to consider if it aligns with his inner values to hurt innocents just to get revenge.  Maybe you could offer to write an email - and hold onto it for a couple days (a week?) - and then check in to see if he definitely wants you to send it.  I think once  his anger exhausts itself he may see it differently.  I used this technique on my self many times - and I never wanted to send it later.  You could write the email together and it might allow him a) to get the pus out - and b) for you to get some insight as to what he is feeling/needing UNDER the anger. 

I can't see it from his perspective - but I am curious to understand it.  I would see it very differently - I would hate to give the ex-AP the satisfaction of believing they had that power over my emotions - especially at this late date.  If you haven't had contact in a long time, your ex-AP likely had no clue if your husband knew way back then or anytime in the ensuing years.  He may think he is a minor blip on the radar of your and your husband's life.  Why make him feel important NOW?  And why put yourself on his level (willing to hurt innocent people to get your own satisfaction?)

But it just shows you how differently we can all react.  I am sorry for you and him that it is such a bad day, but try to reach for understanding and then act from there.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Phoenix
Keepabuzz wrote:


Thats a tough one. I can see both sides. Your AP is also responsible for your Husband’s pain and suffering. I can see how it would be very difficult for your husband to see your former AP having a happy family and life (at least in appearance), and your husband’s world is destroyed. I do not think you should contact your AP and read whatever script your husband wants you too. I also think it’s fine for you to refuse to contact him. I don’t see how you would, nor do I think you should try to stop your husband from contacting him though, if he so chooses. I agree that your husband is doing this out of pain and anger. That doesn’t make him wrong to want to make your AP feel some pain. I think your husband is well within his rights to go to your AP’s house and let loose on him and tell his wife who he really is. What he did.  And even give him a thorough a$$ whipping. Those are consequences that occur when you cheat with another man’s wife. 


According to my husband he has made contact with him and has given a bit more than a piece of his mind, but now he wants this. He is also now blaming me for his cardiomyopathy. I feel horrible. 
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UrbanExplorer
Do not contact the ex-AP, opening wounds and hurting a family that wasn't even in the picture back then. Write a letter, let your H read it, and burn it?
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Phoenix
I am not sure I understand.  Is your husband asking that you tell the ex-AP how much you love your husband?  or the ex-AP? 

Regardless - in my opinion this is not restitution.  And i don't think it is fair to the wife.  

BUT I don't really get why he thinks it would make him feel better.  Try (if you can) to get to the bottom of the "meaning of the act" to your husband.  Rather than say no (which in his highly reactive state right now just feels like not choosing him, rather than the rational decision it is), just ask him why he feels that would make him feel better.  Does he need the ex-AP to know that you've stayed with him out of love rather than obligation?  Does he feel it will allow him to regain some part of his dignity?  Is it revenge?  If he just wants to cause discord in the ex-APs marriage because he caused it in his?  If so, it's understandable - but there are innocent bystanders.  He may need to consider if it aligns with his inner values to hurt innocents just to get revenge.  Maybe you could offer to write an email - and hold onto it for a couple days (a week?) - and then check in to see if he definitely wants you to send it.  I think once  his anger exhausts itself he may see it differently.  I used this technique on my self many times - and I never wanted to send it later.  You could write the email together and it might allow him a) to get the pus out - and b) for you to get some insight as to what he is feeling/needing UNDER the anger. 

I can't see it from his perspective - but I am curious to understand it.  I would see it very differently - I would hate to give the ex-AP the satisfaction of believing they had that power over my emotions - especially at this late date.  If you haven't had contact in a long time, your ex-AP likely had no clue if your husband knew way back then or anytime in the ensuing years.  He may think he is a minor blip on the radar of your and your husband's life.  Why make him feel important NOW?  And why put yourself on his level (willing to hurt innocent people to get your own satisfaction?)

But it just shows you how differently we can all react.  I am sorry for you and him that it is such a bad day, but try to reach for understanding and then act from there.

MY BS wants me to contact the AP to tell him that I still love him and not my husband. My AP would ask me why I was still with my husband if he was not giving me what I deserved.
My husband wants me to go back to all the people who advised me to be who I was and let them know I did them proud by destroying our marriage.  
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ThrivenotSurvive
Then in that case.  No.  Because based on what you told us, he's asking you to lie (that is not how you actually feel) and hurt innocent people just to attempt to hurt you and the ex-AP.  

I would remind him that you are determined to be a person of honesty and integrity now  You were not in the past, and you and he (and many others) have suffered for it.  But you are committed to that and have been for some time now - and you won't lie for anyone anymore (the ex-AP, someone new or him).  

That you will do anything to help him heal - but not if it requires becoming that old person again (lying and hurting innocent people) - that person is dead and you can't/won't resurrect her.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz

In no way does an AP from 20 years ago deserve to be contacted at this point. Especially so you can give him some scripted lines your husband is demanding from you. 
This is not restitution in any way, shape or form, it’s just maliciousness. 
Honestly, even if you were just a few months post affair, it still wouldn’t be wise to contact him and spout the crap your husband wants you to say, or to contact him at all. But the fact that it’s been 20+ years, and he has a wife and family now? No way. Can you imagine the pain it could cause his wife to read a message from a woman from his past declaring her love for him?
Leave him and his family alone. If either of you reach out to him it will only cause both of you pain, and you’ll likely cause drama and pain in his marriage too, and maybe your husband sees that as a fitting punishment, but he needs to remember that your APs wife is a completely innocent party in this, and deserves to be left in peace. 

While I agree that she should not contact her former AP under any circumstances, that’s about all agree with in your post. The AP is NOT free from responsibility for the damage their actions caused. It doesn’t matter if it was last week or 30 years ago, their responsibility DOES NOT change. 

An AP from 20 years ago doesn’t deserve to be contacted?  What do they deserve? Walk away Scott free without any consequences for their actions and all the pain the caused?  Not by a long shot!  They deserve FAR more than they will ever receive  You know what’s malicious? Cheating. That’s malicious.  

What if you had a child who was sexually abused, but you had no idea. Then 20 years later the child tells you what was done to them and also who did it. Would your advice be the same? Just leave them alone, that was in the past? Yeah I bet not.  It’s no different, fundamentally. 

Her husband has EVERY RIGHT to tell his wife what he did, FOREVER.  IF he chooses not to, then he is showing grace, but he sure doesn’t have to.  Just like he doesn’t have to show grace to his wife.  

You know who else is an innocent party in this??? Phoenix’s husband. It’s NOT the responsibility of the BS to carry the dirty secrets of the cheater. Not now, not then, not ever. That’s not to say he can’t choose to, help the AP’s wife, but it’s sure not expected of them. 

I am not saying that a former AP shouldn’t get to move on with their life and find happiness or whatever. But when the BS doesn’t find out what you did until 20 YEARS LATER! The entire 20 years that dude should have been looking over his shoulder. There are no statues of limitations on betrayal. You can’t just say, well that was 20 years ago, so you should just leave him alone. 

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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UrbanExplorer
Phoenix wrote:

MY BS wants me to contact the AP to tell him that I still love him and not my husband. My AP would ask me why I was still with my husband if he was not giving me what I deserved.
My husband wants me to go back to all the people who advised me to be who I was and let them know I did them proud by destroying our marriage.  


I get the pain behind this request, but absolutely do not act on it. Owning that you have done a destructive thing by having an affair means growing into a person of integrity who doesn't lie to themselves or to others. It does not mean agreeing to something harmful that a BS proposes just because you are trying to claw out of a hole in the marriage. I don't know about you, but I'm not going to hurt people anymore while telling myself that my intentions are honorable. 
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Keepabuzz

Phoenix wrote:


According to my husband he has made contact with him and has given a bit more than a piece of his mind, but now he wants this. He is also now blaming me for his cardiomyopathy. I feel horrible. 


You may well have some ownership in his health problems. The body keeps the score.  


As I said above, I do not think “you” should contact your AP. I actually don’t think your husband “should”, for his own sake. But I know probably would. I get it. When he tells you that script to say. It’s out of anger and pain. Just answer with “I don’t love him, I love you. I only want you. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I regret it so much”. That’s what he really wants to hear. 


For the love of God. Do not under ANY circumstances mention how reaching out to your former AP may negatively effect him or his family.  Anything said even remotely close to that could be received by your husband as you “caring” for him or them.  That would not be good, to say the least. 

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Keepabuzz
I am not sure I understand.  Is your husband asking that you tell the ex-AP how much you love your husband?  or the ex-AP? 

Regardless - in my opinion this is not restitution.  And i don't think it is fair to the wife.  

BUT I don't really get why he thinks it would make him feel better.  Try (if you can) to get to the bottom of the "meaning of the act" to your husband.  Rather than say no (which in his highly reactive state right now just feels like not choosing him, rather than the rational decision it is), just ask him why he feels that would make him feel better.  Does he need the ex-AP to know that you've stayed with him out of love rather than obligation?  Does he feel it will allow him to regain some part of his dignity?  Is it revenge?  If he just wants to cause discord in the ex-APs marriage because he caused it in his?  If so, it's understandable - but there are innocent bystanders.  He may need to consider if it aligns with his inner values to hurt innocents just to get revenge.  Maybe you could offer to write an email - and hold onto it for a couple days (a week?) - and then check in to see if he definitely wants you to send it.  I think once  his anger exhausts itself he may see it differently.  I used this technique on my self many times - and I never wanted to send it later.  You could write the email together and it might allow him a) to get the pus out - and b) for you to get some insight as to what he is feeling/needing UNDER the anger. 

I can't see it from his perspective - but I am curious to understand it.  I would see it very differently - I would hate to give the ex-AP the satisfaction of believing they had that power over my emotions - especially at this late date.  If you haven't had contact in a long time, your ex-AP likely had no clue if your husband knew way back then or anytime in the ensuing years.  He may think he is a minor blip on the radar of your and your husband's life.  Why make him feel important NOW?  And why put yourself on his level (willing to hurt innocent people to get your own satisfaction?)

But it just shows you how differently we can all react.  I am sorry for you and him that it is such a bad day, but try to reach for understanding and then act from there.


To answer your question, vengeance. Pure and simple. Lord if I had not had children, it would have been ugly. They are the sole reason I didn’t do, and or put in motion soooo many things. You’re right, we all react differently. I do believe the reaction is different for men in these situation. I’m not saying it’s harder on us, but there are different challenges.   
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
You are very right - I do see gender differences.  But even within the genders there are so many differences AND similarities.  it taps into every insecurity, every past trauma, everything we've ever experienced in relationships...
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
You are very right - I do see gender differences.  But even within the genders there are so many differences AND similarities.  it taps into every insecurity, every past trauma, everything we've ever experienced in relationships...


I couldn’t agree more. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Keepabuzz
I will add that I reserve the right to knock the teeth out of my wife’s former AP’s head at any place and time of my choosing at any point in the future. I don’t care what my wife’s opinion of that is, or anyone else’s. If I ever decide to, I will, and let the cards fall where they may. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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