In no way does an AP from 20 years ago deserve to be contacted at this point. Especially so you can give him some scripted lines your husband is demanding from you.
This is not restitution in any way, shape or form, it’s just maliciousness.
Honestly, even if you were just a few months post affair, it still wouldn’t be wise to contact him and spout the crap your husband wants you to say, or to contact him at all. But the fact that it’s been 20+ years, and he has a wife and family now? No way. Can you imagine the pain it could cause his wife to read a message from a woman from his past declaring her love for him?
Leave him and his family alone. If either of you reach out to him it will only cause both of you pain, and you’ll likely cause drama and pain in his marriage too, and maybe your husband sees that as a fitting punishment, but he needs to remember that your APs wife is a completely innocent party in this, and deserves to be left in peace.
While I agree that she should not contact her former AP under any circumstances, that’s about all agree with in your post. The AP is NOT free from responsibility for the damage their actions caused. It doesn’t matter if it was last week or 30 years ago, their responsibility DOES NOT change.
An AP from 20 years ago doesn’t deserve to be contacted? What do they deserve? Walk away Scott free without any consequences for their actions and all the pain the caused? Not by a long shot! They deserve FAR more than they will ever receive You know what’s malicious? Cheating. That’s malicious.
What if you had a child who was sexually abused, but you had no idea. Then 20 years later the child tells you what was done to them and also who did it. Would your advice be the same? Just leave them alone, that was in the past? Yeah I bet not. It’s no different, fundamentally.
Her husband has EVERY RIGHT to tell his wife what he did, FOREVER. IF he chooses not to, then he is showing grace, but he sure doesn’t have to. Just like he doesn’t have to show grace to his wife.
You know who else is an innocent party in this??? Phoenix’s husband. It’s NOT the responsibility of the BS to carry the dirty secrets of the cheater. Not now, not then, not ever. That’s not to say he can’t choose to, help the AP’s wife, but it’s sure not expected of them.
I am not saying that a former AP shouldn’t get to move on with their life and find happiness or whatever. But when the BS doesn’t find out what you did until 20 YEARS LATER! The entire 20 years that dude should have been looking over his shoulder. There are no statues of limitations on betrayal. You can’t just say, well that was 20 years ago, so you should just leave him alone.