wolfgrrl
Its been a long couple of weeks of internal torture. I know what I want, what I want to say. I'm even ready for the consequences. At least I think I'm as ready as I am ever going to be. And yet, I still can't pull the trigger. I've reached that place of being done with the status quo. I've been living in limbo for 4 months now. I don't want to anymore. Things have gotten more awkward lately. I can't ignore the elephant in the room anymore. If he is still too unstable to handle the consequences, that is on him. If 5 months of IC hasn't brought him to a place where he can talk to me about what he has done and face my anger and my pain, then he isn't really trying. If he can't tell her goodbye and cut it off for good after 4 months of knowing that is what had to happen, then he probably never will. He is a coward for doing this to me. For seeing me break down in tears for no reason and not asking why because he knows the answer and doesn't want to face the music. I can't go on like this. And I hate him for putting me in this position. 
And yet, even though I know what I want to say. I know what I need from him if we are going to make this work. I know there is a very good chance he won't be able to do what I need and I have accepted that finally. I know life will go on without him if need be and that my kids and I will be fine. I've gotten past the fear of a separation or divorce. I still hate the idea, but I've accepted them as real possibilities. Even with all that growth, I still sit there silent in the same room with him, night after night, unable to just start the conversation. Why? Why is the pain I am feeling somehow less scary than saying those words? I sit there with my head spinning, ready to explode. And all that comes out of my mouth is a joke about something on TV. A comment on the facebook post he just showed me. And then I go to bed, angry at myself for letting him walk around as though life is peachy when I am dying inside. I'm ready, but apparently, I'm just not ready enough. 
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UrbanExplorer
I suppose there is no truly "right" time, yet you will know when the time is right. Try not to beat yourself up or feel like you are chickening out. This is your process.
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wolfgrrl
I know it is my process. And I'm so ready to just talk to him and get all this off my chest. But it just seems so awkward. Like we are sitting there watching TV and everyone is happy and then what? I just pop in during a commercial break and say "so we need to talk." And yes, I've done that before, many times in this relationship. But when he tells me 2 weeks ago he is avoiding me because he is afraid of "the talk" and I still internalize it all and just go back to my comfort zone of letting things eat at me because I hate confrontation and I don't want to ruin his good mood. God, I sound like I am scared of him, and that is ridiculous, I'm not. Its the battle between his feelings and mine. And I've put everyone else's feelings before mine for so many years, it is a hard habit to break. And he has been depressed for so long and finally in a good spot and now to see someone you love finally happy again, and to know that you are going to ruin that happiness. Not that he hasn't ruined mine for over a year. But I'm just not good at this. I'm just so conflicted. And it hurts so much.
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no_longer_a_victim
I feel your pain. We just got the one year mark since AP showed up in my driveway with a detailed letter. I kicked him out but I am still in limbo, not certain what I want to do or what God has in mind for me.
I have grown so much through this horrible experience, in ways I never would have otherwise. I sought counseling for myself and read books on codependency. I found that I cared more about every other human being than me. Their feelings were always more important than mine. I learned what boundaries are and am still learning how to use them. His feelings and what he wanted to do were ALWAYS more important than anything I had to say or think. Not any more.
I am so much happier now! I'm finally developing my own feelings and recognizing them! I'm discovering for the first time in decades of self abuse those things I enjoy doing. I don't have to wait for him to tell me what he wants to do, I can go where I want to, alone or with girlfriends! I get to choose! I get to be brave!
I've been attending Celebrate Recovery (like an al-anon and AA group combined) each week. I started a step study and just finished step 4, inventory. I have developed VERY strong female friendships with ladies in my same situation. This is the best thing I've ever done in my life for myself, my kids, my job, my extended family... Everyone!!!
I still don't know for sure what I want to happen with our marriage but I'm going to do the next right thing and live for now, not in the future or the past. Today, right now, is all I have.
I would never have had the courage to kick him out and keep him out, if I didn't have all these wonderful people surrounding me with prayers. Through all of this God have been my rock. Jesus carried me most of the way here... He is the one person stable in my life, and hopefully soon, He will be able to let me down from HIS arms to walk beside Him.
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wolfgrrl
I am glad to hear you have found healing and new strength no longer a victim. I too have found strength and been reminded of the person I was when I was young and independent. I realized that slowly over the years, I have put everyone else's needs in front of my own and that isn't who I was when I was younger. My h has always encouraged me to go out and spend more time doing adult things, but I've always had too much Mommy guilt to do it. Now I realize that has made me sad, lonely, depressed and bitter. Not the person I want to show my kids. And no doubt that also led to some of the unhappiness in my marriage. My h had no right to go out and do what he did, but I do know our relationship was on rocky ground before all this happened. I just wish he would have taken my offers to work it out instead of lying that everything was fine and then seeking "happiness" somewhere else. I never thought this process would be so long. I guess when you have been with someone for 17 years, it really is hard to let go of them, no matter how much they hurt you. The pain is unbelievable, unbearable at times. The mood swings I am experiencing lately are painful. The lows are so low. And yet to look at this person and feel such love and such anger at the same time. It is so confusing. I wish for just one day he could be in my head and truly feel what he has done to me. Because words just don't even begin to explain it. But I will get through this. I just wish it wasn't going to take so long. Happiness will be there again, and I have to hold on to that hope I guess. 
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Dirazz
God is truly the way. Without him I wouldn't have the marriage or husband I have today.
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Fionarob
wolfgrrl - Everything you write could have been written by me.  I have been in the exact spot you are in now and I can empathise with every single feeling and thought you are having.  My h was also a coward and his affair was an escape he enjoyed, whilst watching me in absolute torture and living in a world of anxiety and pain.  How anyone can do it to someone they claim to love is beyond me.  His excuse was it was an addiction he couldn't let go of.  (Couldn't or didn't want to?  I used to often ask myself)

I read a book which made things very clear to me - you have two choices. You can stay married, but do something significant and make the necessary changes to make you happy.  Or you can change your situation and leave your marriage.  To go on living with the indecision or not doing anything about the situation will slowly eat away at you.  And the resentment that builds up as a result is so damaging for a marriage.  Unfortunately, in my case I tried the first bit.  I tried staying married and making the changes to try and be happy and make my h happy.  But he continued to stay entangled in his affair.  I couldn't change that bit.  So in the end the only option was to leave.  I knew I had tried every option and nothing had worked, so I was ready to leave.  That doesn't mean it felt 100% right or pain-free, but it was the only option.  It doesn't mean I was happy about it, or really wanted it to be that way, but it was the only option.  Either that or be slowly destroyed by my h continuing to have two women for as long as he wanted.  I wasn't prepared to live like that and I am worth a lot more.

You say you are ready, but not ready enough.  What is it you are ready for?  Maybe if it's too difficult to start the conversation with your h, then you could tell us what it is you want from him?  What is it you want to say?  What are the words that would start that discussion?  Maybe if it's too hard, try writing it to him in a letter. 

I think you are ready for change.......you sound very much at the point that I was when I could no longer live with the situation as it was.  It just depends where that change is going to come.
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