BlindCheetah
I needs something for my husband to read or a YouTube link anything that  explains the importance of being totally transparent about any communication attempts by AP. It’s a huge part of trust but he seems to be missing the point. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0
FanofMike2020

Here are some suggested videos on YouTube:

1.  Hope Rising 2018: Apology from the Unfaithful.  I would start with this video first.  Very emotional and powerful.  You can read the comments left by others to see how this letter affected them.
2.  Reaching Ground Zero: The Importance of Full Disclosure
3.  June 2020 Favorite Expert Q&A-What Does Transparency in Marriage Look Like?
4.  Why Transparency Is So Important In Your Relationship 
5.  What It Takes to Survive an Affair: 3 Must Have Components 
6.  Can You Talk about the Details of the Affair?
7.  Do I Tell or do I Not Tell
8.  How Much Should I Share with My Spouse?
9.  What It’s Costing the Unfaithful to Not Discuss the Infidelity 
10.  3 Steps to Getting a Distant Spouse to Talk to You
11.  How To End An Affair With Someone You Love
12.  Affair Recovery: Understanding the Need to Detox from an Affair
13.  Can You Still Be Friends or Maintain Contact with an Affair Partner?
14.  Ending an Affair: Throwing Away the Key
15.  I’m worried about my affair partner.  What do I do?

Hope this helps.

Quote 2 0
BlindCheetah

Thanks for the list I’ll see if I can find what I’m looking for. I really don’t need more detail about the affair itself unless there is something since his last visit in December, we’ve picked that apart pretty thoroughly any more details are just mind movie seeds. There are a few holes that I’m just assuming the worst.

It’s his reflex to delete and not say anything to me when she tries to contact him that’s driving me nuts. I know he fell for her bait and tried to do damage control without telling me in April and it recently backfired. He finally wrote her an email asking her not to contact him stating that he is married and intends to stay that way. She predictably replied with a comment meant to cause damage, it was something I was already aware of with specifics added. Instead of telling me she responded he deleted and acted like it didn’t happen. If he had just told me he found it, that would have been the end of it and a little gained trust. I read it the day before because she also sent it to me. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0
ThrivenotSurvive
I feel you, BlindCheetah - Your husband seems to be a "worse" version of my husband.  When I say worse, I just mean even slower to "get it", but the behaviors to some extent are similar.  

I never found something written or watchable that could quickly/easily explain it to my husband.  There were two things that FINALLY got through that thick skull of his:

1 - I shared with him the neuroscience I was using to "re-train" my brain into a less reactive state (this is woven throughout the book "Living and Loving after Betrayal").  In Ch. 14, the author discusses "Relationship Cycles" and how it has been his experience that most betrayed spouses need to go through at least three full "relationship cycles" successfully with no recurrence of any trauma before their central nervous system will begin to calm down and return to normal.  These cycles are typically between 3 months to a year long.  Depending on your specific relationship cycle, it could take at the lowest end of the spectrum 9 months or at the highest end 3 years to repair the central nervous system reaction.  That was ONLY if no new trauma "reactivated" the initial trauma.  ANY new betrayals, dishonesty or attempt to "hide" information would CLEARLY reactivate the central nervous trauma and put you back to square one.  

I knew my husband was highly motivated to get us to a place where the affair was no longer the focus of our lives - both for unselfish and selfish reasons.  So, I laid it out for him - EVERY SINGLE TIME HE LIED, OBFUSCATED OR HID something he didn't think I'd like... whether it was about the AP or how much he spent on electronics, it told my central nervous system he still didn't know, and would likely never learn, how to be 100% honest.  Which put us back to Ground Zero and years away from his preferred life.  Therefore, the power to end his own "suffering" was in his hands.  Learn how to be honest, even when it caused "unpleasantness" or keep my nervous system in a constant state of high alert which eventually I was going to decide wasn't worth it - and leave him.  

2.  Point #1 was my last ditch attempt to save the relationship after I discovered that my husband had shared a handful of texts over the course of a month about 2 months after DD.   Because they still worked together at the time, I knew no contact was impossible.  But I had asked him to share EVERYTHING with me - even work related stuff.  And while these texts were about work that wasn't my point - it would have been acceptable IF he'd told me about it.  But in his infinite wisdom, he decided that since it was about the project they were finishing and not emotional in content AND that it would likely piss me off, it wasn't necessary to share.  Like you, I had made it ABUNDANTLY clear that I needed to know about any contact, not just what he deemed important.  Once again, he was making decisions unilaterally.  So when I found the text messages - I LOST IT.  

I am a very emotional person in some ways, but also have a lot of self-control.  So I rarely scream, physically act out or lose control in any substantive way.  This sent me to a place that I didn't even go to on DD because the fact that he'd done it AFTER knowing my boundaries made me lose all hope for a period of time.  I sobbed so uncontrollably that my NEIGHBOR heard me (we both lived in large single family homes with yards)  and came over to check on me.  She thought someone had died.  It felt like it.  I was 99% sure that night my marriage was dead.  But rather than go to a state of action (calling the divorce lawyer, etc.) I just went a bit dead inside.  It scared the hell out of my husband who's known me since we were 13 and 14.  He had NEVER seen me that way and something in my reaction shocked him into clarity.  It took him weeks to convince me to try again.  When I agreed, he quickly realized we were back to square one - maybe even WORSE than square one.  I was back to hyper-vigilance, fear, bad dreams, not being able to eat, the whole nine yards.  

As I tried to search for anything and everything to help myself and we both wondered if it could literally EVER be remotely "normal" again... I found the book I mentioned.  When I shared the aformentioned relationship cycle - he saw what he'd done.  What he thought was a small and inconsequential lack of transparency because it didn't mean a lot to HIM emotionally (by this time he wished he'd never met her) had sent my central nervous system into overdrive.  My reaction was largely not in my control.  My body was a run away train that I was stuck on.  

The combination of viscerally experiencing my near breakdown on a scale he'd never witnessed before, followed by the fact that I could not connect to my love for him for quite some time after, terrified him that I was going to leave. And frankly, he was right to be.  Our marriage BARELY survived it.   Another incident would have without a doubt been the death knell.  I am not as patient as some I have read about here.  I don't know if that is good or bad, it is just a fact.  

Then hearing an explanation of what he'd witnessed (the violence of my reaction) that made sense to him FINALLY seemed to get through the layers of programming, habit and stupidity.

I hope for both of your sake's your husband can figure it out before you hit your "limit".  Mine came dangerously, dangerously close to going over mine.  
 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 1 0
BlindCheetah
@ThrivenotSurvive 
Thanks for the recommendation, just spent another audible credit because you haven’t made a bad book referral yet. Soar Above was a bad one to listen to in the car though especially early in the morning, glad this one has a different narrator. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0
ThrivenotSurvive

Yes, unfortunately the author read his own book in Soaring Above.  He isn’t an exciting vocal talent, lol.  

I even struggle with his writing style, it’s a bit boring and repetitive.  But his CONTENT is excellent and comes from a perspective that made far more sense to me as a person as well as with what I knew from my own studies in psychology and sociology.  

I have regularly wished he had the talent for getting his ideas across that Brene Borwn does. They both are, in my opinion, sitting on a wealth of information in their respective (and associated) fields but she gets them across SO MUCH better.  She is able to get you to feel it, see it, experience in a way that is easier to retain and holds people’s attention.  

She says she is a story gatherer - but she is also an excellent story teller - and that is how humans shared important information since time began.  He, unfortunately, is brilliant - but not a storyteller.  I have never been able to get my husband or daughter to read his books - only parts I’ve read out loud to them, mainly because they lose focus.  

Too bad, because if you can boil his approach down to the fundamentals it is so very, very powerful and what I largely credit for why I was able to rebuild myself stronger in the aftermath than I was before. 

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 0 0
BlindCheetah
When I realized I couldn’t listen while driving I realized it was a good substitute for alcohol while burning stuff. Fire can be quite therapeutic but drinking took my brain to places I didn’t want to go, listening to books helped a lot. Now we have a burn ban and it’s way too hot to hang around a fire.

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0
ThrivenotSurvive
I agree.  I caught our back yard on fire burning phone records and anything that reminded me of that time period. Luckily it was during rainy season and I was able to quickly put it out.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 1 0
BlindCheetah
This sounds a lot worse than it is but, I was burning books. They where damaged and given to me specifically for disposal. I promise there was no censorship involved, it did leave me open for some very dark jokes. It also gave me something to do while unemployed and in survival mode. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 1 0
ekb
Who is the author of Soar above?
Quote 0 0
BlindCheetah
ekb wrote:
Who is the author of Soar above?


Steven Stosny

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0