savage39
My h has had 3 emotional affairs, 2 in the last 4 years. They have all been different in one way or another, but the longest one went on for 2 years. After 6 months and I found out, he swore it was over. I watched him write the letter. It went on for another year and a half.

I could go on, but now we are finally talking. Hopefully in the "healing" phase. He is all about "no more lies" now. He wants to tell me the absolute truth about every single thing and wants me to do the same. He says he wants me to know every one of his thoughts and wants to know mine. I don't agree with this.

About 20 years ago, he dug out and read my high school diary because he thought I was having an affair (never did). He never asked permission and I've never forgiven him for that. Now I just asked him for an apology that never came. I said, "If I keep a private journal, can I trust you won't try to find it or read it?" No answer. However, on his computer in his documents file are 3 articles about me, marriage, other related topics. He has never shared them with me, nor have I read them. Should I? He is demanding no more lies, yet it's seemingly okay for HIM to keep a private journal. If I trusted him and could have one of my own, I would. I think it's very beneficial. But I think even married people should be entitled to some sense of privacy. Or is he not, because he's the one who hid things from me for so long? Would reading those help me, piss me off, or??? I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on privacy and snooping. He wants all my passwords, too, which isn't going to happen.
Quote 0 0
surviving
savage39 - my husband had a secret email that he used to contact his AP.  I never knew about the email.  Since DDay, he has tried to be honest with me and answer all my questions honestly.  I have kept a journal that is password protected.  I haven't given him the password and probably won't ever.  Since he hid things for so long (over 34 years), I think my journal that I started on DDay is mine only.  If we ever reconcile, I might share it with him but right now, I don't think that will happen.

If it were me, I would want to read his journal.  It might make you mad, or it might enlighten you about his thoughts.  You might learn a thing or two (maybe good or bad).  If he won't talk to you honestly, at least you might read into his mind through his journal.  

Just my thoughts.  They don't deserve privacy anymore, they blew that when they had their affairs.  I never have had an affair and I won't be having one, so I think I still deserve to have something private in my journal.
Quote 0 0
savage39
I agree. My H also had a secret email...what's funny (?) Is that when I found out about her, screamed and yelled and had a fit, he agreed to NC. I watched him write the letter and send it. I left the room, came back in and saw him emailing her from another account. If he wants "no more secrets" then maybe he had better turn over his journal to me. Should I ask or just do it, like he did?
Quote 0 0
surviving
savage39 - I like doing things on the sly.  If it were me, I would just read it.  I wouldn't tell him I was doing it.  My husband (since DDay) has left everything open to me looking at it.  I can check his laptop anytime I want.  The problem is his computer is also for work, so I can't look at it when I want to, I have to look at it when he is home.  So, I don't look at it (except his email, as I can get that on my computer).  I have all financial records, I am the one that pays the bills.  So, he can't charge something that I don't know about.  Since he kept his secret email account without me knowing it, I will never know if he has another one or not.  I just hope he is being honest with me and he only has the email account that I can check out.
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
I agree that when the WS has an affair, the WS has zero rights to privacy. As others have said, they threw that away with the affair. I don't think that is "forever" for "all" things though. As I have postied here many times, I had a bunch of non negotiable demands that my wife had to agree to for me to even attempt reconciliation, and there is a lot of privacy that she will never have again. I will always have her passwords, there will be nothing off limits to me, with one exception (below). This is how I ALWAYS was with her, I never had anything to hide. I do feel justified in saying "I didn't cheat, so I get to have private things that you don't". That IS fair, after what she has done. BUT, I don't want that kind of marriage, I never did, even though she did what she did, and devistated me to my core. If "I'm" going to be truly happy again, long term, we have to get back to equals. She is "one down" as some have put on here. There was a while there where she was a million down! I have a private journal on my iPad that is password protected. If she REALLY wanted to read it, I would let her, but it is not open to her free reign. I would warn her, that there are things in there that she will not like, but I would let her read it. Where we are today, I would not dig into her journal, I don't think she has one anyway. I would allow her to have a private, personal journal, not because she deserves it per say. But because I think it is healthy for those that want to use them. There will be no privacy, for things that shouldn't be private, email, phone, bank accounts, calendars, etc. Journals are different though. DISCLAIMER: We are 14 months out, with a ton of work done on both our parts, and she has done just about everything right. That's is where "we" are. In the first 6-8 months after D-day, I would have read it without batting an eye, and would not feel one tiny ounce of guilt about it ever...

I will never trust her blindly 100% ever again, but I also refuse to live my life in detective mode. If I couldn't get to where I didn't feel the need to continue detective work, I would leave the marriage. That is not the life I want. It gets easier everyday, even if it's just a little...
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 0 0