BeginAgain
So my husband and I are approaching the 3 months mark after D-day. Still early days and not a day goes by where I don't think about the affair and have to talk about it in some way. My emotions are still all over the place and I can go from fairly content to sobbing in pain in a matter of minutes.

It has been almost two weeks since my husband left his job, so we're together all the time now. It has been a great comfort, even though I still get suspicious if he's on his phone texting or if he gets a call from a number I don't recognise. He is very attentive to my mood changes and constantly reassures me, checks in whether I'm okay.

We've discussed the affair to death and he has answered the same questions over and over again, never wavering from his initial responses. I've been encountering a new, different response to the affair discussions though.

I rehearse what I want to ask and how I want to phrase the question/s before we start the conversation. I'm perfectly calm when I sit down to speak, but the moment I open my mouth, the rage starts building until I'm literally spitting out the words. I can't even finish my first sentence without losing it. It's like this red mist clouds my vision and the pressure in my head builds, until I'm consumed by white hot rage. Not aimed at my husband, but at the affair, at how everything played out and what he did with her.

This morning was the worst, where I calmly started out talking to him about my perceptions of her and within minutes I was swearing and screaming and sobbing. I even screamed at him to pack his bags and get TF out. After cooling off for a while, I went back to speak to him about what happened, but even then the rage started building again.

I would really like some input on how to handle this. I don't want to do more damage to our relationship by losing it like that, as we are in a fairly good place and getting along very well. I just can't discuss this monumental thing without losing it at the moment. I'm starting to think that it might be best to avoid the subject for the time being until I feel more in control of my emotions, but I can't tell what's coming until I lose it. Any thoughts?
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Keepabuzz
I wish I had some great strategy for you, but I don’t. I know that blind rage rage very well.  For me, I didn’t even begin t start to have control over it until after a year had past. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Dirazz
I so remember those raging days! We are about  close to four years since DD and I would say I had rage for at least the first year. The second year maybe half that amount.  For me personally I had to get it all out. I too would feel it boil up very quickly during our talks regarding the affair. At first my H was defense( bad move)
that only made me rage more. He quickly learned to let me get it out as he could see with time my rage was becoming less and less. 
For my healing it was a process I had to go through. I had to spew all the disgusting things out. But at some point I knew if I wanted reconciliation and my WH was doing anything and everything to work towards that, why was I sabotaging it? I had to change my mindset.  Our counselor told me that I had every right to scream and yell at my H. But after a while how will that help your reconciliation? 

I don’t believe anyone that’s been betrayed would ever think we as BS’s don’t have the right to yell, scream etc. But after some point it has to stop. Either by reconciliation or Divorce. At 3 months it’s so extremely fresh and hard to control our emotions. I remember sitting in our bedroom alone a lot just to keep myself away from him. I was tried of yelling, but like you it was extremely hard. Give yourself some time. Your still trying to process this even happened. 
At 3 months I was still hoping I’d wake up and it was a bad nightmare🥺
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Fionarob
One strategy that our councillor suggested was that any questions that I had I wrote on pieces of paper and put them in a bowl.  The bowl was kept in a place that my ex would see regularly, so he knew when there were questions to answer.  He would then write the answers to the questions.  There was an agreed timeframe when the questions would get answered, so that he couldn't just ignore them.
I guess it's one thing you could try if you are still wanting answers but want to avoid it descending into a conversation that just fills you with rage.  It can't be a nice feeling.
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Damaged
I would let my rage out at MC. It was a controlled environment with a set amount of time. I remember screaming “ I f*****g hate her” over and over one session. 
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Sorry
BeginAgain wrote:
So my husband and I are approaching the 3 months mark after D-day. Still early days and not a day goes by where I don't think about the affair and have to talk about it in some way. My emotions are still all over the place and I can go from fairly content to sobbing in pain in a matter of minutes.

It has been almost two weeks since my husband left his job, so we're together all the time now. It has been a great comfort, even though I still get suspicious if he's on his phone texting or if he gets a call from a number I don't recognise. He is very attentive to my mood changes and constantly reassures me, checks in whether I'm okay.

We've discussed the affair to death and he has answered the same questions over and over again, never wavering from his initial responses. I've been encountering a new, different response to the affair discussions though.

I rehearse what I want to ask and how I want to phrase the question/s before we start the conversation. I'm perfectly calm when I sit down to speak, but the moment I open my mouth, the rage starts building until I'm literally spitting out the words. I can't even finish my first sentence without losing it. It's like this red mist clouds my vision and the pressure in my head builds, until I'm consumed by white hot rage. Not aimed at my husband, but at the affair, at how everything played out and what he did with her.

This morning was the worst, where I calmly started out talking to him about my perceptions of her and within minutes I was swearing and screaming and sobbing. I even screamed at him to pack his bags and get TF out. After cooling off for a while, I went back to speak to him about what happened, but even then the rage started building again.

I would really like some input on how to handle this. I don't want to do more damage to our relationship by losing it like that, as we are in a fairly good place and getting along very well. I just can't discuss this monumental thing without losing it at the moment. I'm starting to think that it might be best to avoid the subject for the time being until I feel more in control of my emotions, but I can't tell what's coming until I lose it. Any thoughts?


Let it all out! Your husband knows why you are raging. He can man up and deal with the consequences of his actions. 

Dont apologise. If you are still raging after a year we may need to relook this approach but for the first 6 months at least it is your perogative to rage. I think It might help your healing. 

I am a WS and I actually would have found rage from my husband rather welcoming. He internalised way too much instead of getting it all out 
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ThrivenotSurvive
At three months this is entirely, utterly, completely normal.  I doubt there is a BS on here who can't relate.  And I agree that to some extent you need to get it out.  Or it will eat you alive.  And quite frankly, I think WS need to see the ugly thoughts that run through our heads, torturing us.  They aren't in our shoes - and they need to be able to understand our perspective.  

Of course, there will come a time (usually after a year) when it becomes counter-productive to rage regularly (not that you won't occasionally fall down that rabbit hole when a trigger hits.) But yo are a LONG way from that.

A few other random thoughts on this, not suggestions as much as just things I've found true for me:
- I found that if I let the rage out, it would uncover the real driving force - my pain.  And when I could share with my husband what was happening in my head (I hate you, I hate her... devolving into I am so hurt, I loved you with all my heart. I didn't understand how you could make a choice like this without even letting me know you were unhappy, etc...   and continuing to devolve to... I feel broken, I truly fear I will never be happy again, I don't know how to stop loving you, but I fear that you aren't good for me., etc.)  allowed him really in.  Where my anger scared him and it was really hard for him to not go into fight or flight, my pain drew him to me, wanting to comfort me, wanting to explain his messed up thinking etc.  This is not meant as a manipulation, it was just the process I was going through and being vulnerable enough to let him see it allowed an intimacy to begin to build between us where he started to be able to open up about his fears as well.  It elicited a response that allowed us to begin to grow together vs. being against each other.  Please don't take this as meaning you shouldn't rage - you need to be honest and open with your feelings.  But you may want to stay with the anger and follow it through to where it leads you... which is usually the pain.

-Questions, and getting them answered, can be tricky business.  I found that I had to write them down to get them to stop swirling and swirling, building momentum in my head.  Then I found that giving myself a time frame of a 48 hour "waiting period"  worked great.  If I still wanted the answer to those questions in 48 hours - I asked.  But I found that I'd only ask about 1/2 the questions.  And by waiting days, I was less volatile.  

-Lastly, while it sucks and is 100% unfair, if you want thoughtful answers from a WS, you need to be able to give them to space to do so.  In the months after discovery they are going through their own nightmare (FULLY SELF IMPOSED, MIND YOU, SO I AM NOT SAYING YOU NEED TO FEEL SYMPATHETIC) and in many cases are experiencing some of the same things we are - panic attacks, fuzzy thinking, etc.  So when we BS start raging, they often go into a version of fight or flight.  They know they deserve it, but that doesn't make their pulse stop racing or the desire to run away leave.  this makes it REALLY difficult to think on a purely physical level.  The cascade of chemicals racing in their (and your) blood stream in these moments make well thought out replies nearly impossible.  So they say DUMB stuff - or nothing at all.  Which further enrages us.  It can be a vicious cycle.  Hard as heck to break and certainly not at 3 months.  

Hang in there - you are in the thick of it now.  I am approaching the three year mark and I can say it not only can get better - it can get a LOT better.  But it will take time, patience and compassion from both of you (for yourselves and each other).
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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anthro
Totally normal and for a lot more than three months too. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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BeginAgain
Thank you everyone, your responses help so much more than you know. I know pain is at the core of it, as I feel completely heartbroken and devastated after each outburst. Some days I think, wow, things are going so well, we're going to be just fine. Those days don't last and they're in the minority, immediately followed by this and the thought that things will never be okay again. The thought that perhaps it would be better to go our separate ways than to try and build something new from the devastation.

In some ways I do think I'm trying to rush through recovery. I see the couples on this forum who are on the other side of it and that is where I want to be. I want to look back and see the good that came from this, instead of continually picking through the ashes of what I once though my life and marriage were. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
BeginAgain wrote:
Thank you everyone, your responses help so much more than you know. I know pain is at the core of it, as I feel completely heartbroken and devastated after each outburst. Some days I think, wow, things are going so well, we're going to be just fine. Those days don't last and they're in the minority, immediately followed by this and the thought that things will never be okay again. The thought that perhaps it would be better to go our separate ways than to try and build something new from the devastation.

In some ways I do think I'm trying to rush through recovery. I see the couples on this forum who are on the other side of it and that is where I want to be. I want to look back and see the good that came from this, instead of continually picking through the ashes of what I once though my life and marriage were. 


I understand this more than you know.  Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.  The old marriage has to be properly grieved before you can move into a new one.  And you need to discover and address the vulnerabilities in your spouse and in the marriage that gave room for the affair to happen.  Your body and mind need time to heal and process what has taken place.  None of this will happen as fast as you want it to.  

I can still remember clearly pacing, crying, feeling like I might jump out my skin and wanting to run away.  But the truth is you can't run away from the healing.  Whether you stay with your spouse or leave, you need to heal yourself for YOU.  Because you deserve to be happy.  I don't know if it will help you, but my favorite book I read after DD (and I read a LOT) was Living and Loving After Betrayal.  It focused less on the affair and more on what you need to do to rebuild yourself after ANY kind of emotional betrayal.  I utilized a lot of the strategies.  I think it helped a great deal.  

You will weather this storm.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BeginAgain
I know exactly what caused and/or contributed towards the affair. I knew immediately upon disclosure and often loudly and tearfully shouted it at him in the first couple of weeks.

Since before we were married, my husband has had an extreme lack of boundaries with members of the opposite sex. He would often come home from work and regale me with stories of the girls at work coming into his office and closing the door to discuss personal problems. I specifically remember two of them before we were even engaged, that used to compete for his attention at work. He though it was funny. I was horrified. He couldn't understand my reaction at his 'innocent' interactions.

This manifested in various ways throughout the years. He just had no boundaries whatsoever; would accompany a young female colleague to the mall during work hours because 'she was scared to go to that part of town alone'. He couldn't understand why I was upset when I found out. One time he brought a woman home from work to work on her car. She was engaged, mind you. Why her fiance couldn't sort out the problem was beyond me, but he just had to do it. She, by the way, sat in my lounge and told me how I couldn't just sit at home and do nothing, while he had to work to earn our income - I was between jobs and had only left my previous job the week before. 

He used to tell me that I would like his female colleagues and he was sure we would get along great. Upon meeting them, they would invariably treat me like crap stuck to the bottom of their shoe. He used to be the designated driver at Christmas parties, delivering his female colleagues home after drinking themselves parylatic, while I sat at home waiting for phone calls that never came. When I asked why their husbands couldn't fetch them, I was always wrong and unreasonable. There was always a perfectly logical reason why he had to do favours for them and cart them around. I believe this is what made it so f@#£*,% easy for him to load that wh*re into our car and create the opportunity for them to eventually f*ck in it. 

This lack of boundaries manifested in other ways, even with our female friends. He developed crushes on them. It was very obvious, because when visiting with our mutual friends, he would suddenly dote on my friend, while treating me like crap. This caused a lot if turmoil in our relationship and he would apologise profusely, only to do it again. It didn't help that when he did it with a younger sister of a long time friend and I pointed out his behaviour to my friend, she accused me of being jealous. What it comes down to is that, from his side at least, there were no boundaries and no safeguards to protect our marriage, none at all.

My husband and I both had severely dysfunctional childhoods. While mine was tainted with severe abuse, he was severely neglected by his stepfather, who withheld all affection and validation from him. That continues to this day. We both came into our marriage severely broken, but we didn't know better at the time. We treated each other very poorly, as we had no insight into our own behaviour patterns and had no clue about conflict resolution. It was pretty messed up.

In 2014 our marriage suffered a breakdown when my husband asked for a separation. I didn't see it coming at all, I was so blinded by my own unhappiness. It was a pivotal moment in my life though and I took full responsibility for the ways in which I had failed to be a good wife to him. I desperately wanted to make amends for my failures, but the uncertainty about our relationship was too much for me to bear and I left our marital home a couple of days after he told me how he felt.

From that point on he became someone I didn't recognise. He was enraged that I would leave to protect myself and put all the blame for what had gone wrong the previous 14 years on me. He admitted no culpability at all. It was all my fault. He deliberately hardened his heart against me and went out of his way to punish me. I was completely stripped naked before him, metaphorically, for the first time in all our relationship all the emotional barriers I had in place against him was gone. He didn't care though. It was all about him and what he wanted now.

Amid that turmoil we reconciled after two months apart. He asked me to come home. He was different though. He'd built a wall around himself and I repeatedly bashed myself to pieces against it. It was like that for the next 5 years. He was unmoved by my tears and brokenness and often lashed out at me when I showed him how much pain I was in. The more I reached out to him, completely vulnerable, the more he pushed me away. In many ways, in hindsight, it seems like he was in the fog of an affair. To this day he denies that anyone else played a part in his behaviour during that time, but I am not convinced. For nearly five years I have felt that he has stood with one foot outside of our marriage, completely emotionally unavailable to me.

It has been an incredibly painful and lonely journey for me. All this time I have lived without having my needs met, as a matter of fact, his behaviour since then has taught me that my wants and needs don't matter; that I don't matter. Predictably his harsh reaction when I showed my pain, made me draw back from him and close myself off. I started growing cold towards him and lashing out in anger when he hurt my feelings, instead of crying. Crying only invited mockery in any case. Our intimate relationship dwindled to nothing. We had sex maybe once every 6 weeks, if that, because I couldn't bear to have him touch me when I felt so insecure and unsafe with him.

That, I suppose, is the crux of it. He cheated on me because he wasn't getting his emotional and physical needs met, but not for one moment did he stop to consider that perhaps he couldn't expect the wife he had been neglecting for nearly half a decade to want to fulfill those needs. That I also had needs that weren't being met and yet, although I had more motive and opportunity, I remained faithful.

My rage is not just about the affair. It's about him having the audacity to cheat on ME when he had been treating me like sh!t for so long. It's about the years before that where I warned him over and over to put up boundaries and he wouldn't listen. It's about all the sh!t he has thrown my way over the years and I was supposed to eat it and say, hmmm, delicious.

Despite it all I do love him, very much. Like 2014 was my epiphany, the affair was his. Since before I even knew anything had happened, he has taken great strides to try and make amends for his behaviour. He is working on himself to become the man and husband he wants to be. I see it and I appreciate it. I have hope, because after all the selfishness and ugliness, we have both grown to love each other deeply. It will just take time to address and heal the wounds we inflicted on one another.
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Keepabuzz
My wife was broken when we married, although I had no idea. My childhood was far from perfect, but it certainly wasn’t a bad childhood. My wife had been sexually molested by an uncle, and her parents told her it was her fault, and nothing was done about it. My wife didn’t tell me about this until we had been married for 5 years. She was depressed, refused to get help. I had been sleeping on the couch for months, and she wouldn’t allow me to touch her in anyway and I was done. I told her that either she changed or her address was going to change. I was done working 100 hr weeks and she stayed at home, and then when I was home, I got treated like shìt. So it was change or divorce. She then told me about the childhood abuse, and that softened my heart. She made the changes necessary and everything went ok, for a while. We had another child, and then things went back down hill. She became depressed, and refused to get help. Barely did anything other than the bare minimum around the house. By this time I was traveling for work every week. So I traveled all week, and then came home on the weekends and cleaned the house, did all the laundry, ran the kids where they needed to go, and then left then next Monday to go back to work. When I was home she didnt treat me well. I didn’t treat her well either, I was all out of patience with her. I felt used. For a nice paycheck, and maid. Then we moved closer to family, and I hoped it would pull her out it. It did not. It only got worse. Then our youngest went to school, and I asked her to get a job. She didn’t want to, but I was admimant. So she did, and was cheating on me within a month. Her treatment of me went from bad to really bad. I decided to give it my all one more time for my kids. So I did. I went from ready to divorce, to being able to forgive her for everything she had done to me over all those years. I gave her a fresh start in my heart and mind,  and I gave our marriage my all.  All the while she was having sex with a 23yo guy from her job (she was 38). After 6 months, I was done. I gave up again, and she felt it. She ended her affair, and then turned into super wife. I still felt something was off, and didn’t trust the change. After a month of that she confessed, and destroyed me. 

When i I read my story I think it would have made much more sense for me to cheat. I had much more opportunity, and had not had my needs met for years. Had been told my needs weren’t important. 

I raged like an insane person for over a year. I didn’t rage in MC. I raged at her in private, often.  She would shutdown, try to call a timeout. I was hearing none of it. When she would try to leave, I would warn her that the door was one way. Once she went out, she wasn’t coming back. It felt like she was trying to control me and my rage by calling a timeout. Then MC told her she could use a time out, and I told both of them she couldn’t. The MC asked me if I thought she was really hearing me when I was “at that level”. I told her she may not be fully listening, but I guarantee that she is hearing me. I told her all that rage was in me because of her, and she was going to be the one to hear it and feel it. The big change in my wife’s reaction to my rage was when the MC said “When he is letting out his rage, you need to look past what he is showing you, and look at what he isn’t or can’t show you. What you see is rage and anger, what that is masking or hiding is pain, a lot of pain, and a lot of fear. So when he is at that level, see his pain.”  That totally changed how my wife handled me in those times. Instead of shutting down. She would just cry.

All that rage had to come out, I don’t think it’s healthy to keep it in. I still raged at times in year 2, but not often. I went back and forth in year 2 from deep depression and sadness, to numb, feel nothing at al, and back and forth, and back and forth. But there was still rage at times sprinkled in. I don’t think I went full rage after about a year and a half.  I am coming up on 4 years now, and I still have anger at times. It is controllable, and I can move past it pretty quickly. 

3 months out, is just getting started. I know all to well it feels like it’s already been an eternity, but this is a very long painful road. But it DOES get easier. I am not naturally the most forgiving person in the world in general. I am more naturally the guy that if you do me wrong, I write you off. I didn’t speak to my own mother for 10 years. It didn’t even bother me.  I just wrote her off, and moved on with my life. So I never thought I even had the ability to forgive my wife’s betrayal. I can’t say I have, but I’m working towards it. I think that my nature has made this road harder for me, but on the other side, I think my wife’s actions “after” d-day have definitely made this road easier. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Vanessa
BeginAgain wrote:

That, I suppose, is the crux of it. He cheated on me because he wasn't getting his emotional and physical needs met, but not for one moment did he stop to consider that perhaps he couldn't expect the wife he had been neglecting for nearly half a decade to want to fulfill those needs.

I wish you peace and strength as you travel this difficult path - but don't buy into the falsehood that he cheated because "he wasn't getting his needs met" as you yourself stated, you weren't getting your needs met wither, but you stayed faithful.
He cheated because he has poor boundaries and because at the time his focus was entirely on himself and what would feel good to him.  YOU did not cause him to cheat by "not meeting his needs!"
I hope that he can and will make a real change and be a husband you can trust.
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BeginAgain
Vanessa wrote:

I wish you peace and strength as you travel this difficult path - but don't buy into the falsehood that he cheated because "he wasn't getting his needs met" as you yourself stated, you weren't getting your needs met wither, but you stayed faithful.
He cheated because he has poor boundaries and because at the time his focus was entirely on himself and what would feel good to him.  YOU did not cause him to cheat by "not meeting his needs!"
I hope that he can and will make a real change and be a husband you can trust.


Thank you Vanessa. I should point out that, if he were to try and give a reason, that would be his justification. He doesn't hold me accountable at all. He takes full responsibility for his actions, not only about the affair, but also for the way he has been treating me since our reconciliation in 2014. For the past three months, he has been a completely different man. He is humble and kind and he puts me first in everything. He takes what I dish out when I need to vent and apologises for his actions without fail. It's still hard to put my faith in these changes after everything that came before, but I see and acknowledge his efforts to change, not just for me but to be someone he can be proud of again.
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BrokenHearted
I didn't begin to rage until almost 4 months after DDay. What worked for me to deminish my rage was to schedule some rage time everyday. I locked myself in my room and forced myself to face the demons in my head about the affair. I could get the rage building then I would beat the living fluff out of my WH's pillows. I would scream and swear and   carry on until exhaustion. I found that the daily rage fests gradually decreased, so I did them weekly, then monthly.  These rage fests help me when it came time to talk to my husband as I was not filled with rage, but rather just angry which we both could work through (my rage didn't do either one of us any good).

I'm 2+ yrs into recovery. I still have rage on occasion but it's in response to a big trigger, and is no where as intense as it was in the early days. 

I hope this helps. It was a self imposed torture to bring the rage to the surface so I could let it out, but it worked for me. 
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