Sbowl72
My D day was two weeks before Christmas of 2015.  I had already suspected an affair and I believe at this point the affair has been going on over 3 years closer to 4 years.  He physically left 2 years ago this month.  He said he wants a divorce.  I do not discuss anything with him in regards to us and reconciliation or him and her.  As far as I am concerned we are getting a divorce.  He has not filed and I have not been able to come up with the money to file. I make very little money.

I am am trying to understand his mindset because he did admit to the affair once gave no details and said it just happened so as far as timeline is concerned he completely lied about the start of it.  He knows I and 2 of our 3 children know and he knows his former friends knows what he is doing.  My 2 older children know and he will communicate with my 21 year old son and visit him but our 23 year old daughter she has invited her father to holidays and just out to dinner and he makes up an excuse that he has an appointment .  Sorry for the long wind here.

1st question

It seems like he is still hiding this from her?  Why?

2nd -  He left and has only seen our 8 year old son a total of 13 days in the 24 months that he has been gone.  He calls him once about every 3 weeks to a month and talks to him for maybe 5 minutes....  how do you just walk away from your own flesh and blood like that? We are 1000 miles away but he makes over 6 figures and has money to come here and see him and he is the owner of his company so time off is not a problem either.

3- He called me last month and offered me money (he never does that) and the said we should buy you a new car?  I was like no mine will be paid off in a couple months and I cannot afford a car payment.  He said I will pay for it? Why would I tie myself to him for another 5 years when we are getting divorced and why would he offer such a thing.  Is there some sort of motive behind that so he looks good in the courts eyes or something?

Just trying to understand the mindset here and would appreciate some honesty from people who have had a long term affair and actually left their wife and moved in with the affair partner
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anthropoidape
Offering to buy you a new car after two years of separation is pretty strange. I can't think of a good explanation, and I don't see how it would help him much at court.

Without knowing him it sounds like he is either very messed up, or feels guilty, or both. But it also sounds like he has a very poor set of relationship skills.

For what it is worth, the sooner you can get finality through a divorce the better if you ask me.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Trinity
anthropoidape wrote:
Offering to buy you a new car after two years of separation is pretty strange. I can't think of a good explanation, and I don't see how it would help him much at court.
Without knowing him it sounds like he is either very messed up, or feels guilty, or both. But it also sounds like he has a very poor set of relationship skills.
For what it is worth, the sooner you can get finality through a divorce the better if you ask me.


Offering to buy you a car is weird but .....  tell him OK .. IF he buys it outright and puts every piece of paperwork in your name, you will take it. 😉  But I do agree with Anthro, buying you a car is NOT going to look all that awesome in court.  Also, I have been divorced and I know it does cost some money but I think you need to look into the reasons why he has not filed himself ?!?!?!?!   Alimony, child support, other support and costs ???  
Just some thoughts. 
"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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GingerHoneyBunny
hmm...its so sad. since he's gone for 2 years, i would take the cash, take the car if he fully pays it up, or take the car, he pays the installments and keep my old car but the new car has to be registered under his name so that if he bails the creditors should look for him. with the money, i'll file for divorce and see him in court. but, i hope it will go well for you, not turn into an ugly divorce that hurts the kids. he is probably really messed up in his head
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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Keepabuzz
Since he makes 6 figures, and you don’t make much, I can see why he is not looking to get divorced. You said he owns his own company.  If you get divorced he would likely have to pay you a substantial amount of money. You would likely get at least 50% of the marital assets, to include his company.

It looks to me like he is getting everything thing he wants. He had an affair, left you and your children to be with the AP, he keeps all his money and assets, and you are left with not much. Why would he file?  I think he is wanting to buy you a car to keep you hooked in, and in your place.  

You need to to find a way to start divorce proceedings. Just my opinion....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Trinity
Keepabuzz wrote:
Since he makes 6 figures, and you don’t make much, I can see why he is not looking to get divorced. You said he owns his own company.  If you get divorced he would likely have to pay you a substantial amount of money. You would likely get at least 50% of the marital assets, to include his company.

It looks to me like he is getting everything thing he wants. He had an affair, left you and your children to be with the AP, he keeps all his money and assets, and you are left with not much. Why would he file?  I think he is wanting to buy you a car to keep you hooked in, and in your place.  

You need to to find a way to start divorce proceedings. Just my opinion....


YES YES & YES.

Do you want a divorce ??  If you do there is a lot of help out there for you.... prople and organizations that will help you through the process at no or little cost to you.  I agree with keepabuzz, he has you exactly where he wants you and to his benefit.

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Sbowl72
Thank you all for for responding.  I didn’t want a divorce at first I was very broken and scared.  I now know I am better without him but feel guilty for my youngest son.  I can’t make his dad come visit and for me the time and distance apart has allowed me to heal as much as I can without knowing really anything that those who are recovering together get to know.  Selfishly it was better for me.  

I do do feel like some plotting and scheming are happening and I hate to think that way. But that has always made me an easy target I guess.  

So I know I need to file and this must be my priority.  

I did take the money he offered because I needed it but I am not and will not get a car with him. 

I figured  he would use making the monthly payment as an excuse to not come see his son saying he doesn’t have the money because that was always his excuse back when I was persistent in trying to keep him in his son’s life. But I did give up on that.  Money is not an issue he just has. I desire to see his son and that is really hard to swallow because he is such a great gift.

So who do I need to look for a mediator?  Will they be able to handle a divorce where he will likely get ugly because of the money.  The attorney I saw said uncontested divorce and set financial agreement would start at $3000 and I know it will not be a set financial agreement ????
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Negarcia
Sbowl72 wrote:
He called me last month and offered me money (he never does that) and the said we should buy you a new car?  I was like no mine will be paid off in a couple months and I cannot afford a car payment.  He said I will pay for it? Why would I tie myself to him for another 5 years when we are getting divorced and why would he offer such a thing.  


I am not sure about court or anything like that but my H did the same thing.  He was making good money at the time and all of a sudden he showed up at the house with a new car me??? This was November of 2016 while he was in his full blown affair.  He also indicated at that time that he wanted a divorce but didn't file because he has no money now! but he also ripped out my old kitchen and renovated it.  My thought was awesome, I can sell the house with all these updates.  I asked him why he did all of this ? He said he did it because I deserved it and because he wanted the kids and I to be safe but it doesn't make any sense to me at all.

Do you think your H wants to see if he offered you a new car and you would jump at it he could somehow control you with money? 
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Experiencethedevine29
Your estranged husband is a dick. He’s getting it all, as someone else has already mentioned. What?? He gets to keep his money, neglect his children, keep his concubine and keep his wife under control because it suits him!?? .....I don’t think so, do you?  

I don’t know where you live, but in this country, you can get a divorce without a lawyer. Submit papers to the court for as little as £300...what really racks up the pennies is fighting over children and property/money.

Can you show your children what independence and self respect look like by starting to research your best options to divorce perhaps? Honestly, I know it can be a nasty business, and he’s going to get sh***y because things won’t go his way, but that’s tough. He can’t have his cake and eat it too....w⚓️....I’m cross on your behalf!

Don’t bother trying to convince him he should be building healthy relationships with his children, he’s not healthy himself and obviously too self absorbed. Your children will reach their own conclusions about him in time, and you will have been the shrewd one, supporting your children in a healthy and positive way, which in the long run, they’ll appreciate and understand that you’ve done your best with them and for them.

Divorce the dizzy twat if you can find a financial way to do it, and leave him to fester in his own ridiculous mire. 

I really do wish you happier times. Good luck 👍
Expectation is the root of all heartache.. ’Will Shakespeare
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imogen
Hi Firstly I want to say how sorry I am for all you have and are going through a separation due to an affair is a horrible emotional time.
I have had a similar situation not identical but similar enough to reply.I was horrified when I started to look up narcisstic personality disorder. I am completely convinced my husband of 20 years has this.Nothing makes sense everything seems a bit off and crazy.He can be very charming and gets on well with people but then there’s this whole other side going off.He is quite emotionaly detached from our children but the youngest daughter is the one he struggles with the most.He hates feeling bad and I think she is the one out of the 3 that makes him feel like he has done wrong.I think she brings up feelings that he would prefer not to deal with she is the one most hurt out of the 3 of them.
He always liked control in a subtle way and refused to get divorced as it was a final sever which he didn’t want I was financially poor so had to accept a financial settlement rather than divorce. He in some way has control  (your car gift is called hoovering in terms of NPD )ideally he did not want me to leave he wanted me and kids and wanted be able to have affairs with others saying it really was me that he loved.
please look up NPD it may not fit but if it does all your answers will be there.If so it’s pretty mind blowing you may not get your head round it but at least you will be armed mentally with knowledge.
good luck it sounds like your doing well x
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