Based on people I've worked with, as well as personal friends/family who have some common threads with your past, my suggestion would be to look for someone who comes highly recommended by those who work with domestic abuse and/or childhood abuse victims. You may want to ask for referrals from groups that work with these individuals (social services, group therapy/support groups etc.)
Another thing you can look for is a "therapist's therapist" - these are people who are so far along in their career that they actually are sought out by their peers. Generally speaking they have a LOT more experience and because they work with other professionals - their BS meter is well attuned. Your situation as an OW (in my opinion) is a SYMPTOM of what you've been through. I think you would find therapy that focused on family of origin issues and your early experiences in relationships far more beneficial than those of the recent past. Those situations largely exist because of the far more distant past and patterns that started in childhood and early adulthood. But I've seen excellent results with therapists who take a very "strengths based" approach as well where less emphasis is spent on the past and more on building on what healthy mechanisms you already have and expanding them. You may also want to consider eye movement therapy in working with any remaining trauma/triggers (where there is a physical response in the body) and/or hypnotherapy for looking into unhealthy thought/emotional patterns formed in VERY early time periods (sometimes pre-verbal.) If your home life was bad during the first 6-10 years of your life you likely have deeply buried subconscious beliefs about yourself directly formed from that environment. These can be very, very hard to find, much less change, in traditional therapy because they are formed in a child's mind and imagery (no logic to it in the least.) The best way to tell if you have these is asking yourself - "Are there recurring situations where I find that even when i am CONSCIOUSLY making every effort to "do it differently" somehow I find myself in the same place/ with same kind of person/doing the same things? If YES, you are likely acting from a childhood script that is on autopilot. Even while you are diligently staring at the map and trying to drive to somewhere new, your subconscious mind is taking you to the same old place you've always gone. Some people find that hypnotherapy can really help find these - and allow them to replace it with a healthier pattern. It is my opinion that once a counselor has gained your trust and created rapport (which should be accomplished to some degree within 2-3 sessions), they SHOULD push you. Otherwise they are a paid friend. They are there to help you look at things in a new way, call you on your BS and help you see yourself and your future in a new way. If you don't leave at least 1 session out of every 4 with your mind racing and feeling a bit challenged - then she's probably not helping you as MUCH as she could. That doesn't mean she isn't helping you, just that you may be ready for more You should also REGULARLY have "homework" - thinks you should be doing/thinking about/acting on in-between sessions. Just my two cents.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl