Hurting2014
Hello. Assuming that both are willing to rebuild the marriage, If there are WS willing to share, what are the things you wished that your BS is doing/did/ stop doing so that the rebuilding of marriage becomes successful. I am truly asking. As a BS, I want to know since I do not want to sabotage our mutual effort to rebuild ours. It takes two to rebuild a marriage and I would hate to mess it up because of my actions if I can avoid them. I am truly invested by staying and dont want my agony to be for nothing.
Female, BS, D-day Mid 2014. Still sad. Trying to cope while no one else knows I am broken.
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notemanj
Reaaly sad that no WS has responded to this. For the benefit of doubt, maybe it’s because the WS’s don’t really have anything to add. 
Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 5/15/2018 and counting. 
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UrbanExplorer
My BS showed a lot of grace in the aftermath of my affair, so I can't say I have complaints. And really, it's tough for a clear-headed WS to judge a BS anyway. He was willing to go to counseling with me and hold some space between us while I got myself sorted out to even get to the place where reconnecting with him and starting to make amends was going to be possible. He was open, and that is more than I could expect under the circumstances. 

I suppose my only advice is to consider that what you say and do in anger can stick (words you say, people you tell about the affair with the intention to inflict harm). That doesn't mean you aren't entitled to do it, obviously. 
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WS_bob
I will second the "words you say in anger" thing, that can be very discouraging. I know the WS has done way worse than saying something hurtful but since you asked...

Other than that, we have to really suck it up and give the BS whatever they need if we want to have any chance of reconciliation and healing. 
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Kalmarjan
Hurting2014 wrote:
Hello. Assuming that both are willing to rebuild the marriage, If there are WS willing to share, what are the things you wished that your BS is doing/did/ stop doing so that the rebuilding of marriage becomes successful. I am truly asking. As a BS, I want to know since I do not want to sabotage our mutual effort to rebuild ours. It takes two to rebuild a marriage and I would hate to mess it up because of my actions if I can avoid them. I am truly invested by staying and dont want my agony to be for nothing.


I am sorry that I didn't get a chance to respond to this earlier, as I have only intermittently checked these forums from time to time. (And I am truly sorry that they will be closing at the end of this month.)

To answer your question, I wish that my wife would stop believing that she had any blame for my decision to have an affair. 

I wish that she didn't think that it was something that she did/didn't do that caused the affair. I've had 4 years of thinking on this, I wish I could spare my wife the anguish I gave her from my actions. It was never about her, it was always about me. 

The problem was that I never had the guts to admit that, and like a coward, sought to blame her to justify what I was doing. 

I believe that most affairs happen this way. Call it "the fog," or whatever, but it is a self-inflicted affliction. 

I used to say that my wife was spoiled, I felt like I had to do everything for her, so I got bitter, then I fell for someone who did their damnedest to seduce me (because I was her boss, and she had a history of seducing her bosses.) Then I tried to make it right by latching on to my AP after D-Day (but again, way too much of a coward to actually confront my wife with the truth, she had to find out thanks to Facebook) as if everything could be worked out.

In all that statement there, not once do I assume responsibility for my actions. It's always someone else's fault *(my wife made me feel/therefore, I was seduced by someone who has a history of seducing her bosses/therefore...) The picture wasn't pretty. 

It isn't about what you're doing, as much as what your WS is doing. Are they taking responsibility for their actions 100%, or are they shifting blame? Why do you think any of your actions warrants a risk to rebuilding something in which it's destruction you had nothing to do with?
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Hurting2014
Thank you to all those who replied.
Yes, as a BS, I have the tendency to say words I don't mean (or REALLY mean) or utter words loaded with sarcasm, double meaning,  etc. I can be very suspicious and sometimes I say words to make the WH feel guilty and awful. Like I just cannot keep sleeping dogs be.

We are rebuilding and I decided to be less catty and paranoid, and leave it to him to make the correct decisions. I figured no matter how careful, doubting or investigative I am, it won't be enough.  And no amount of keeping tabs on him would  work in the long run. I cannot make decisions for him. I believe in God and I now say, if he sins again, it is ultimately between him and God.
Female, BS, D-day Mid 2014. Still sad. Trying to cope while no one else knows I am broken.
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Keepabuzz
Hurting2014,

     I love the quote in your signature. “Trying to cope while no one else knows I am broken” That perfectly describes how I felt for years, and still do many times. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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