EasyAsABC
To sum up a long story, I was involved with a man I knew was involved with someone else. 
The affair has since ended, I’ve been in therapy for a few months and working on myself. I’m in a place now where I’m okay, finally. I’ve worked on myself and my issues at length. And I’ve begun dating again (only single men!). 

What I’m struggling with now is what, if anything, I should disclose about the affair I participated in, with respect to any future relationships. My struggle stems from being on a couple dates recently with a pretty fantastic guy, we’ve only touched briefly on past relationships, and there is not one part of me that wants to lie about my past. I do wonder how much is too much honesty. I have no indication that these few dates will lead to anything long term, but what if it does? And even if it doesn’t, I don’t plan on being single forever, so this anxiety I’m feeling about it now will inevitably be replayed if I move on from this and meet someone else. 
I know most of the population on here is BS’s, so your views may be based off of that role (and I get it, I’ve also been there), but for anyone that may have personal experience with this, or anyone that feels they can give an honest response without telling me I deserve to be single forever; are any potential new partners owed an explanation of my role as an AP? Assuming I’m never asked directly about it, is it reasonable or unreasonable to assume this is something I’ll need to disclose so that any future partner can make an informed decision about spending time with me? 
I mostly ask because I know people that have struggled with infidelity in the past may not be okay with spending time with someone who has played the role of the “other woman”, but aside from wearing a Scarlett A on my shirt, I don’t know how to give these potential people the ability to make informed decisions about who they spend their time with. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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anthro
I think it is better to tell once things are serious enough. I don't see how you could keep it secret if you are trying to build something solid. 

We have all got history and we've all learned from mistakes. 

That said, I do think a history of cheating is a red flag. It's not the end of the story but it does need explaining.
 
In my 40s, with a fair bit of life experience, I would not rule out a relationship with someone with the history you have described. If someone had that history and made excuses and blamed others rather than owning it... that wouldn't fly. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Vanessa
As someone who divorced my WS, I get the dating discomfort.  One of the thing I look for in potential dates is how they describe what happened.  The folks who minimize what happened "oh we just grew apart, but now my ex and my kids hate my guts" is a red flag for me.  Folks who blame their spouse for them having an affair are immediate no-gos.  But I will continue on with open eyes if someone discloses that he did in fact have an affair and that he deeply regrets what he did and the consequences suffered by everyone from his choices - I will just have very open eyes to see if his actions line up with his words of true remorse.

Good luck and I hope you find a wonderful single person who can and will treat you with the respect you deserve.
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Skelling
I don't know if that will help you. As far as experience i can only offer the one from my husband. When he was involved with the other woman, who apparently also had been in a verbally abusive relationship (that still didn't entitle her to start an affair with my husband) before, she told him her previous relationship was also with a man, who was not single and had a child. When I asked my husband about that, and while I felt disgusted by that, he said he felt sorry for her cause the guy obviously used her ðŸ™ˆ.  I suppose I at least have to give her credit for being open about who she was during that time. What I think or feel about that doesn't matter here my point is that being open and honest is always the better approach and its up to the other person what they do with that. I think it is brave of you to face your own shortcomings and don't downplay them but learn from them and make better choices for your future. I wish you all the best, finding a good man, who treats you with respect and love and honesty. I wish the person, who inflicted so much pain on my family, would have grown as much as you have. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
I don't think you have any obligation right off the bat to tell someone.  However, if they ask about previous relationships, or if you begin to get serious - dating each other exclusively - than yes, I think honesty is the best policy.  My feelings are in line with the others.  If someone was open and honest, did not try to minimize what they'd done, but explained what they'd learned from it - it would not be an automatic deal breaker.   However, if they did not share it and it came up later in some other way - it would trigger an immediate end to the relationship.  The slightest sign of dishonesty/lack of transparency and I'd be out.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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EasyAsABC
Thanks for your responses. 
You've probably confirmed what I already knew. 
At my core, I’m an honest person. Lying doesn’t come easily to me, and I don’t exactly have a poker face. And with all the work I’ve done to heal myself recently, I don’t think starting out any relationship without the full truth is in anyone’s best interest. 
That said, I’m not just going to spring my whole complex history on anyone that I may meet. The guy I’ve been seeing has a decent picture of the truth right now, as far as things stand. I’ve gotten better at saying the word “no” lately, which is something I’ve struggled with previously. I think if there’s is a line of questioning I don’t feel comfortable with at the moment, I have the tools I need now to say “that’s not something I feel comfortable sharing at the moment”. 
If that’s a deal breaker, so be it. But I don’t think spilling every last detail on the first handful of dates is necessary. 
My main fear or worry is that someday I will feel like I’ve shared enough to convey my truth, but that maybe something will come up at a later date that makes it seem like I was intentionally hiding something, which is not my intent. I know we all know what it feels like to be lied to, and I don’t want to make someone feel like I’ve intentionally duped them. Honesty is the best policy though, so I think I can avoid this if I am just as honest as possible at all times, even if that honesty means, “I can’t talk about that right now”. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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BorealJ
I think that when it feels right for you to share it, it will be as a part of your expression of yourself rather than just an admission of a secret.  It's a part of the story of the circumstances that have played a role in shaping your current values and who you are now.  There will likely be natural places for it to come out when a relationship gets to a point where you feel like it is time.  But until then, I would try not to let it interfere with your pursuit of a relationship. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
Beautifully said BorealJ.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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UrbanExplorer
BorealJ wrote:
I think that when it feels right for you to share it, it will be as a part of your expression of yourself rather than just an admission of a secret.  It's a part of the story of the circumstances that have played a role in shaping your current values and who you are now.  There will likely be natural places for it to come out when a relationship gets to a point where you feel like it is time.  But until then, I would try not to let it interfere with your pursuit of a relationship. 


I like this, because I don't think the affair defines you, and I also think everyone is entitled to their own past and revealing deeply painful parts of it in a way that feels right to them. It's just one thing you have done, one bad relationship you have been in. 
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