If you and your spouse are still working on your marriage, which recovery steps would you say have been (or are) the most difficult for your relationship? [choose all that apply] 57  votes

 Getting at the real truth about the affair. 9 votes
 Deciding whether to leave or stay. 6 votes
 Working through anger/conflict. 12 votes
 Giving or receiving forgiveness. 8 votes
 Re-establishing trust. 10 votes
 Reconnecting sexually. 3 votes
 Reconnecting emotionally. 6 votes
 Other (post answer below) 3 votes
Multiple choice poll. This poll has been closed.
If you are still in a marriage/relationship and you both are saying you want to work toward restoration (whether you're currently living together or separate), tell me which steps are/were hardest for you in the recovery process. You can choose more than one answer.
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For me, by far the hardest thing is the self-examination, and giving up the blame. It's weird though, once you do that, it's possible for the real healing to begin.
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The other part was the family pain caused my children and the shame and the financial ruin we still face.
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Facebook continues to be an issue. Not trust on Facebook but the fact that all of the likes, posts, and comments on his and her Facebook pages still exist for others to see. These are painful as they were and still are there and were part of the deception, lies, and innuendo that was happening right in front of me. No help is available from Facebook to have these removed. They can't be undone because she has blocked my husband from her account and he has blocked her. Other people can still see them.

Also, I don't want him to deactivate his Facebook or join my page as some couples do because that would give her fuel to her claim to him that I would put him in prison if he stayed with me.

Sometimes all these residuals and consequences are too much to bear.

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For me, each of these are very difficult. I would say each also depends on the stage of recovery (for each spouse). It was only 12 days ago that I caught my husband sexting. The first few days were filled with lies by him and the the trickle truth as mentioned by many. We had began to work on recovery together for about 5 days before he voluntarily sat down with me and told me he had actually been having a sexual affair instead of just an online affair. Although I (now) know the full truth about his deception, having gone through so much emotional turmoil and working on recovery with him on one idea or type of affair and having to start all over was and is still challenging for me. He wants to stay and work on our marriage. He stated this from the beginning. For me, however, deciding on if I should is still in limbo. So, getting the truth was definitely at the very beginning the hardest. Not knowing what you are dealing with hinders any honest attempt to recovery. Once the truth is revealed, not knowing how to feel about him and our relationship is the most difficult, especially because I believe he is remorseful, feels my pain, and desires to connect with me in a way he never has or did. I never asked him to leave. We have children. Having him constantly, each day, tell me he's sorry for the pain he's caused me is helpful in some ways. I feel he is truly remorseful. However, I feel inudated with so much of his sorrow and regret that I struggle with being able to process and understand my own feelings sometimes. I feel I need space, but fear that space as well. I think I forgive him, but cannot tell him. Trust? I honestly do not know what that is anymore. Sex? We have not had sex but have been physically intimate. This confuses me beyond words. I picture images in my mind when he touches me. I cannot let go of the idea that he betrayed this bond between us. I wonder how it can mean anything to him. I feel it should wait until we are both in a better emotional state where we both feel love again versus lust. I think he does as well. Emotionally, because we have been reading on this recovery process together, we are reconnecting and feel closer in some ways. Yet, because I have yet to disclose to him if I will stay with him, it has hindered his ability to feel relaxed in this process.
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Anaveridice wrote:
For me, each of these are very difficult. I would say each also depends on the stage of recovery (for each spouse). It was only 12 days ago that I caught my husband sexting...
Good point, Anagraha. I see this is your first post. Thank you for sharing it and welcome to the Community. I'm glad you're here.
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