TimT

 What was the nature of the current or most recent affair you are dealing with (whether you or your partner had the affair)? 33  votes

 It was an in-person affair: emotional only. 0 votes
0%
 It was an in-person affair: physical or sexual only. 4 votes
12%
 It was an in-person affair: emotional & physical (no sex). 4 votes
12%
 It was an in-person affair: emotional & sexual. 22 votes
66%
 It was an online affair: emotional only. 1 vote
3%
 It was an online affair: sexual only. 0 votes
0%
 It was an online affair: emotional & sexual. 2 votes
6%
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Members of this forum reflect a wide variety of experiences. I wonder what kinds of affairs are represented. Whether you are the one who had the affair or the one who was betrayed, consider the most recent affair you're dealing with as you answer the question.
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Theresa
Do we ever "know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth"
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pn572
I would answer both physical and emotional except now my husband is saying that it wasn't emotional. Even during affair he was adamant it wasn't emotional but telling me he wasn't in love with me and telling her he was completely in love with her.

now after almost a year since the affair ended which I've had trouble accepting it's over he says he was lying to both of us and he was lost. He says now he never had feelings for her.

So how can you answer a question based on that information. And I don't think this is abnormal but don't know.

Unfortunately where we live there isn't any specialist in infidelity and I only recently found Tims site. I have found two others online but Tim's seem so much more helpful with specific guidance.

I'd be interested to hear if others have had similar situations to my experience.
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Kalmarjan
pn572 wrote:
I would answer both physical and emotional except now my husband is saying that it wasn't emotional. Even during affair he was adamant it wasn't emotional but telling me he wasn't in love with me and telling her he was completely in love with her.

now after almost a year since the affair ended which I've had trouble accepting it's over he says he was lying to both of us and he was lost. He says now he never had feelings for her.

So how can you answer a question based on that information. And I don't think this is abnormal but don't know.

Unfortunately where we live there isn't any specialist in infidelity and I only recently found Tims site. I have found two others online but Tim's seem so much more helpful with specific guidance.

I'd be interested to hear if others have had similar situations to my experience.


I can only give you a wayward perspective here.

I *thought* I was in love with my AP. After all, how could I justify my actions? I *had* to rewrite history in order to justify the situation to myself.

It is only after having a real, really hard look in the mirror that I realized that it was an illusion. I was not in love, I was in lust.

Love is a verb. It is action. It's a choice. It's being there while your love is down, hurt, happy, and in all the worst parts that you can see of them. Being there for loss, and genuinely caring for them.

Being "in love" is all about the feeling you get, which turns out to be completely chemical. Once that high wears off, so does the "in love" feeling.

Perhaps your WS is being honest. He perhaps realizes that he lied to you, her, and himself. At least, this is what I realize now.

I know it maybe doesn't help, but, at least in my case, it's the truth.

I don't know where I read it (perhaps it was here?) but there is a "second date rule" when it comes to looking at the AP with that critical eye. It boils down to this:

If you remove the kids, infidelity, the marriage, and we're just left with the AP as a girl or guy that you met... Would you really continue on with the relationship given all the crap you had to overlook in order to continue on your illicit affair?

In my case, it is a RESOUNDING no. There is no way. She just wasn't who I would ever continue a relationship with after a first date. This is a huge, huge wake up call once the affair for dies down. It means that I was in a place where I was looking for validation and I found it in a place where I could easily get it.

So, I'm effect, I never really loved my AP, but I needed validation from her. It's only after looking at it like an outsider did I come to this conclusion. The worst part is my wife called this when DDay happened.
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TimT
pn572 wrote:
Now after almost a year since the affair ended which I've had trouble accepting it's over he says he was lying to both of us and he was lost. He says now he never had feelings for her.

Well, he definitely had feelings (of some sort), but he's telling you know that it wasn't love. Like Kalmarjan wrote, what feels like love in the moment is recognized as something else later on. Sometimes, though, genuine over does develop in an affair relationship. It's usually a damaged sort if love, but live nonetheless.

You don't mention how long ago the affair ended. Your husband may be genuinely confused. If you are not in counseling, you should at least be reading some good books to help gain clarity. Recommended...

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
The Truth About Love by Pat Love
Scary Close by Donald Miller
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