TimT

 Once you first learned about your partner's infidelity and did the work to begin healing your marriage/relationship, did you have to deal with a return to affair behavior? 33  votes

 No, there has been no known relapse. 18 votes
54%
 Yes and our marriage/relationship has ended. 7 votes
21%
 Yes and recovery was easier the next time. 0 votes
0%
 Yes and recovery was harder the next time. 8 votes
24%
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Once you first learned about your partner's infidelity and did the work to begin healing your marriage/relationship, did you have to deal with a return to affair behavior (with the same affair partner or a different one)?

Note: This is a separate issue from finding out for the first time that your partner has had previous multiple affairs. This question focuses on relapse: returning to affair behavior after previous confessions. 
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Siercot
No, thank God. He has not returned to his past behavior or actions within our relationship.
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Roma
Yes, I have experienced a relapse and further deception on the part of my husband

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TimeToFly
Yes, he had several relapses & our marriage ended in a divorce. For whatever reasons which I will never understand, he wasn't able to fully & completely close the door with her & focus just on us. Very sad...
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Fionarob
Yes my husband has had about 8 relapses and we are now in counselling to try and fix our marriage.  Several times I have wanted to end the marriage, but every time he begs for another chance.  I think I have to give myself permission to end things for good if he ever relapses again, but it's hard when they are telling you they don't want you to give up. 
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AHmember116
Yes only because I was in such shock and denial that it took me 3 years to put so much together.  It took me 3 years to realize 3 months after I found out my husband worked out of state for 5 months and when he came back he was still in his fog.  Although I did not realize all of this until 3 years later which made it much harder and more relapses.  He also continued for over 2 years with trickle truth or gas lighting which just made things worse.  Their is no doubt in mind once he came to his senses why he tried to deny so many things that he told me only because he did not care and was still in his fog.  His AP was someone I knew since I was 9 and he meet her thru me when he was 18.  We both knew she had one child who she pushed off on everyone and anyone every weekend.  We knew she was sleeping with 5 men at a time and she was 45 and one was 86.  We knew she was so jealous of my marriage and my relationship with my 4 children.  Her daughter even knew that she loved my oldest more then her own daughter.  We knew she would love to see our marriage destroyed.  We knew everything was always about her. We knew she was a alchoclic and addicted to pain pills. We knew she would do all the talking and if I said I went to the doctor she just kept talking. We knew she changed friends every 6 months because when people got to know her they realized all she talked about was herself and poor me I am a single mother that get child support and remarried and divorced and still got help from her second husband, and her parents.  We knew she used her daughter to get money from her second husband, parents, sister, brother or anyone she could. We knew the only reason she was with the 86 year old was for his money.  We knew she had slept with married men. We knew she was never a true friend and that I almost never called her but she would not go away.  He knew when I found out she was sleeping with a man living with a woman and flirting right behind her back that I found her disgusting and really wanted no part of her anymore.  So now he is embaressed that he gave her exactly what she wanted.  Now he is embarrassed that he thought he loved her.  That is why it took me so long to put it all together.  Even friends from high school said they remember how jealous she was of me or anyone she was so called friends with.  She was a very bitter jealous person.  Approx. 3 years after I found out and we were working on are marriage I received a email from her cell phone co. (she knew nothing about computers used my email address) that her new phone would be arriving.  The next day another email it arrived and the number was changed.  She had that number for over 10 years.  I guessed right away as I had told my husband for the past 2 years that this was her new high and that it was only a matter of time before she messed with the wrong woman's husband.  A week after all that happened we found out she passed away.  To this day 2 years later we still do not know how.  We just know it was sudden and a autopsy was done.  Since she only live a couple blocks away we passed her home and saw her front window had a huge hole like someone threw a brick thru her window.   After seeing that knowing she changed her cell number and knowing she had no one to talk to about what she was doing we think either she committed suicide or the drinking and pills caught up to her body. We know not to many people showed up at her wake.  Now he is so embarrassed for his choices.  He made a bigger fool of himself then he did of me.  So I still have some really bad days or even weeks since the fact I knew her for so long and so did he and he told me he didn't think she would use him because he knew her for so long (when still in the fog).  Sad way to make the biggest mistake of your life.  Even though I thought she was scum I still would not wish what happened to her.  She continued to make poor choices and she lost her only friend (me) she really ever had.  And I have told my husband you are responsible for some of her actions you just built up her self esteem to think this was just a fun game.  We do not know how many other families she has destroyed or torn apart but he has a part in all of that.  I am grateful that I do not have to live with all of that on my shoulders.
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no_longer_a_victim
Yes. I found out the first time he cheated on me two months after we were married by the judge...before the huge "white" wedding he REALLY wanted. He thought it best to tell me two weeks before we had the "white" wedding...right when friends and family were flying in from out of the country to stay with us in our two bedroom apartment...7 of them...
I was already in counseling because I KNEW something was VERY wrong, but couldn't get him to admit it. My counselor sent us to a marriage counselor. We were there for a long time...but I found out 10/7/15 he never came clean, never stopped.
This time...after him cheating for 10 years with too many people for him to count...I'm done. I will never go through this with him again...ever... This weekend is the deadline for him to get all his stuff out of the garage. The deadline for it to have been out of the house was 11/1...he didn't do it...my Bible study ladies and my mom did it by 11/15 because it was tearing me apart inside out. Next, I'm filing for divorce.
He's a sex addict and attending meetings...but he's still abusive in that he's still trying to control me. I'm not having any of it any more although I'm loosing my home, that I owned alone before we met. With the economic times what they are, I just can't afford to keep my house on my own now. I've lost my retirement dreams and vacation partner...and his wonderful family. No one can believe he did this and hid it so well from everyone...even those who knew him best. How could I ever trust him again? I refuse to try again and I won't put myself in that situation with him again. I'm worth more than that!
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Kalmarjan
no_longer_a_victim,

Welcome to these boards. It's a terrible place you're in for sure. I hope that you find some clarity and answers here. It seems like you've a good start with laying out your boundaries, and sticking to them.

Love the nickname. Again, welcome.
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AHmember59
Yes, not only did I discover the affair still going on, but several others from the past, I'm talking the entire length of our 18 year marriage and 24 year relationship.  I couldn't have felt more shame by his actions, humiliation and I COULD NOT fix it....no control is something I found out through this process is a weakness of mine.  I've held on to this marriage with all the will and force I can come up with, keeping myself in a constant state of anxiety all because someone took away my control over my life(so I thought) and I wanted it back.  I'm learning, slowly, mind you, that I can control now, and I'm striving to  take back my life and live for me.  Turns out I'm not such a bad person just because I was cheated on for all those years.  I'm me and that's OK.  I can feel love for myself even if someone else turned their love away from me.  Now I'm not so "blind" to all the red flags and now I see him for what he is and trust in my own intuition, not just what he tells me.  If you are doing all the work to fix your marriage, and he does nothing, I don't think there's a marriage left to save.  It's unfortunate, but reality is better then living in the fantasy world he makes up for you, a person cannot live that way for very long without becoming sick, like I did.  Depression, Anxiety attacks, weight gain, all because he wanted everything his way only, which included multiple partners that I was "crazy" for even thinking that about and "just starting trouble" all the time when I dare ask questions about things my intuition was telling me wasn't right.  I let him do that to me because I thought he was the only love in my life.  The only love that I would ever have, glad I was wrong.
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mony999
I'm experiencing total lack of communication. No response from email, text or phone calls since WS left the house. I found out 9mos ago about his EA and sexual affair. He expressed "loving her" online. She was married also at the time. It was torture to get any truth after 25 yrs of marriage. I reacted by going into "save the marriage" mode. I never would have believed that I would have responded that way. 
We attempted some counseling together. Every session had me & him enraged at each other. I understand that our relationship has been in trouble for many years. I have been in IC for over 5yrs. My friends and counselors know how long I've been struggling in my marriage. WS was the type of person that condemned infidelity and lying. He has moved into his parents home at 55years old. There has been no communication with me at all. The daughters got Christmas cards. He came while I was working and cried to our oldest, 23y/o and apologized for "everything". She doesn't know about the affair.  The 16y/o wants nothing to do with him. She has experienced a cheating boyfriend and overheard my rage.
I am moving forward most days. I've seen attorneys for both divorce and financial problems. I know he has consulted a lawyer by reading his email. He does not have financial means to pursue. He hasn't told me his plans.
I still have unbearable pain from his betrayal though I was unhappy in the marriage. I have held onto the fact that we were together for so long and I believed we had enough love for each other. We've been through major financial problems, addiction, moving, loss of careers, etc. Its so hard not knowing what he's doing or thinking. Anyone have advice for me?

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Kalmarjan
Mony999, welcome to the boards. I'm so sorry to see you here under these circumstances.

All I can posit from your story is that there a chance that he is in damage control mode. Things are blown up in his life right now and he is struggling to understand what his next moves are.

You wrote he contacted a laywer to weigh his options, and are sure he doesn't have the financial means to continue. This is a blessing because this means that he doesn't have an immediate out.

My advice is to continue your work on you. Instead of the context of inside your marriage, work on your own strength. You may need it for what may come, and being prepared for either eventuality can't hurt.

The only actions you can control here are your own. At this point the decision for what he will do rests with him, so by focusing on your needs you'll protect yourself for what will eventually come.

There are a lot of free resources here in the Free resources section to check out that will be a great guide. Give them a look over and it will be a good start.
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