TimT Show full post »
Kalmarjan
Unfortunately, I don't know... All I can do is try to give you an insight into my thought process as I was when I was coming out of the fog...

I'm not trying to trigger a bad memory... I am just trying to see if I can answer your question on how... The stupidity thing...

The sob story, then a promise to fix it, fix it, then the BJ for the reward. That's how it pretty much went with me, and part of the reason I was in my fog.

It's like the first time I heard her tell me about drug use. How she was on drugs the day she met me. Sob story about her life... Me "solving it" by telling her that as long as she is with me, no drugs... Fast forward problem solved, and reward.

When I started realizing that I was letting myself fall for that. That I wasn't listening to the alarm bells going off... Then the whole sob story, reward thing lost its luster. Real quick.

But, there's a possibility that your WS isn't there yet. Fortunately for me, my AP resorted to manipulating behavior... When the sob story didn't work. Then she tried guilt, and that made me buy things but it didn't make me forget my family.

Then is when it started to be over. It took me a long time to come to terms with being able to break up with her. I broke it off, but she hoovered me back.

What I had to do was in baby steps. First, she moved out in a huff. I let her. I certainly didn't fight her. She tried guilt. I should have fought for her. I told her I don't do that stuff. So, she let it go, and that was a piece of my balls back, I guess.

I had to, little by little "win" it back. Like, finally being able to go through a day without having to call/text/talk to her. Like, she wanted to talk ALL THE TIME. I came to realize that she got nervous when I was alone (perhaps I would cheat??) and she would be calling all the time. I honestly, HATED that. So, I had to win that part. Set a little boundary.

Coming out of that fog is HARD. I can sort of understand why the guy would just go back to his AP. I sure as heck don't agree with them, but I can see how it seems like it's easier if they just give up and go back to the AP... Coming out of lies, deceit, egos driven games, fights, etc... To reality... It's hard.

I know this because I originally went back the first time I tried to reconcile. Things got hard fast. I had to face some truths about my wife. Things I had to let go, knowing that my actions actually opened the door to her seeing someone else as okay... Because I threw away our marriage. I'm the one who said it was over, I'm not in love with you blah blah.

But honestly, now I know that I was so wrong. In the end... She wouldn't have lasted with me. (my AP) I wouldn't tolerate her for much longer. She tried muscling in on my time with my child. One thing you don't do... Mess with my family. I told my AP time and again, don't compete with my child. I told my AP that she (AP) will lose.

So, when she muscled in, I broke it off with her. But, it took a while to get to the point of NO CONTACT. I tell you the AP tried guilt, shaming me, promising, intimidation, blackmail... She was banking on me to come back to her.

But I had done the work. I know what I did, the hurt I caused to my best friend (my wife), all for the excitement of the APs payment for me fixing her problems.

It's just a classic damsel (or dumsel) in distress story

I hope that your husband gets his act together.
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