TimT

 Select ALL circumstances that were part of the most recent affair. (List others in comments below.) 156  votes

 use of alcohol 10 votes
6%
 use of social media (facebook, etc.) 13 votes
8%
 use of technology 19 votes
12%
 common work/group environment with AP 24 votes
15%
 financial stress 13 votes
8%
 work stress 12 votes
7%
 home stress 17 votes
10%
 unhealthy friendships (other than AP) 15 votes
9%
 lack of personal accountability 18 votes
11%
 recent change: personal crisis or loss 9 votes
5%
 recent change: personal accomplishment or achievement 5 votes
3%
 birth of a child 1 vote
0%
Multiple choice poll. Please sign up or log in to vote.
There is no intent to cast blame or offer excuse for someone's choice of infidelity. But it IS helpful to understand the context of affair choices as one factor in understanding what influences were at play. I've listed some of the most common ones presented in my work with couples. Please check ALL that applied to the most recent affair that affected you.
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surviving
Porn from an early age taught my WS that women were for him and at his beckon call.  He would scan ladies at the mall, church, parties, family gatherings, etc. just for his pleasure.  Sometimes he would hit on someone that had the same sex addiction he did, that would then develop into an affair. 
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LLL2015
-opportunity (environment, time, way(s) to hide affair)
-a "need" for intimacy (sexual, emotional, etc.)
-a "need" to feel desired & wanted
-a loss of connection in marriage relationship & inability to effectively communicate with spouse
-another willful partner (possibly looking for or in "need" of similar fulfillment)
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Now_what
Accurate addition LLL2015. I definitely experienced those things prior to my affair. Sadly.
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TimT
LLL2015 wrote:
-opportunity (environment, time, way(s) to hide affair)
-a "need" for intimacy (sexual, emotional, etc.)
-a "need" to feel desired & wanted
-a loss of connection in marriage relationship & inability to effectively communicate with spouse
-another willful partner (possibly looking for or in "need" of similar fulfillment)

Yes, those are all valid contributoers, but would more accurately for into a category of felt needs rather than circumstantial conditions.
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LLL2015
TimT wrote:
LLL2015 wrote:
-opportunity (environment, time, way(s) to hide affair)
-a "need" for intimacy (sexual, emotional, etc.)
-a "need" to feel desired & wanted
-a loss of connection in marriage relationship & inability to effectively communicate with spouse
-another willful partner (possibly looking for or in "need" of similar fulfillment)

Yes, those are all valid contributoers, but would more accurately for into a category of felt needs rather than circumstantial conditions.


I suppose the wording may interfere with the idea of circumstances on some criteria I listed; however, if re-worded, I believe some are circumstances (perhaps more specific & falling into some of the listed ones in the poll). For example, "no intimacy" or "ineffective communication in a marriage" could both be "life stresses" or "home stresses." If my understanding is off, please help me comprehend. I listed the main reasons my WH said led him to have an affair, so I believed these to be circumstances. If another person was not available to fulfill these desires, then the affair may not have occurred, hence a circumstance. The "needs" were circumstantial to his affair. Technology, Facebook, a Burnout Phone (all media), work environment (opportunity), porn (prior to & during affair), stresses at home (for him feeling wanted/desired/ineffective communication with spouse) -- all of these seem to be causes leading up to or encouraging an affair. Without those present, the affair may not have happened. Am I not getting this or does it even matter?
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TimT
LLL2015 wrote:
...The "needs" were circumstantial to his affair. Technology, Facebook, a Burnout Phone (all media), work environment (opportunity), porn (prior to & during affair), stresses at home (for him feeling wanted/desired/ineffective communication with spouse) -- all of these seem to be causes leading up to or encouraging an affair. Without those present, the affair may not have happened. Am I not getting this or does it even matter?

I in no way want to diminish the importance of those factors as contributors to the affair. I didn't mean for the poll to limit "causes" to only a narrow list; I was just curious about what circumstantial conditions were most familiar to members of the forum. But we may just be splitting hairs. Thank you for your input!!
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