TimT

 Once an affair has been discovered or disclosed, if the decision is made to repair and restore the marriage, which partner will have to work harder at recovery? 22  votes

 The unfaithful partner will have to work harder to regain forgiveness, trust, and intimacy. 8 votes
36%
 Both will have to work equally hard for forgiveness, trust, and intimacy to be restored. 6 votes
27%
 Since the unfaithful partner is in a bad place, the betrayed partner will have to work harder to regain forgiveness, trust, and intimacy. 8 votes
36%
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Once an affair has been discovered or disclosed, if the decision is made to repair and restore the marriage, which partner will have to work harder at recovery? Answer the poll and then add any comments below.
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Hope4Healing
This one was tough to answer honestly.  I think the betrayer probably has the hardest job, because trust, once damaged, is very, very hard to regain.  It is a very long process and most people don't have what it takes to walk that out.  

The betrayed spouse, on the other hand, may not have the hardest job, but no doubt about it, it is by far the most painful job.  It is also a job that once you have experienced it, you will NEVER be the same person again.  An affair changes the entire dynamic of your life. Sure, it can be better if you are willing to do what it takes, but rest assured it will never be the same again.

Hope4Healing
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Robin1971
i would have said the cheater SURPRISE!!!!  guess yall never would have thought id give that answer huh [wink]  BUT only after 4 months i can see it is definitly in my case, me.  i think its easy for the cheater to give up.  i think the BS has to endure all the hurt, the pain and the stuff that was just thrown at them, NOW they have to try to figure out how to get back up on their feet and figure out how to make the marriage work.

i do believe the cheater has work to do, absolutly  a lot of work, but the damaged they caused another person doesnt compare. 

if you really think about it, it all boils down to the individual.  and if its the cheater who gives up, or feels entitlment for what he did, than his job is easy peasy.  which makes it 1000x more hard for the BS.  and if the BS gives up or retaliates than her job is easier i guess
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TimeToFly
I know both sides have a lot to work on but I feel the betrayed partner has more to deal with since they are the ones who were hurt so deeply. Most likely they have lost all sense of trust & marriage vows were broken. Forgiveness isn't easy & working on what might remain of the marriage is very difficult. It will probably take more time than they both realize & that's assuming they can make things work after all the damage that's been done. 
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Courage
I am by far not giving any points to the WS, but I do recognize that there is a huge responsibility for a WS who wants to reconcile and rebuild a marriage. They have to grieve and get over their AP( addictions are difficult to give up), they have to deal with the shame, assure their BS about their trustworthiness, be subjected at any time to questions about affair, deal with seeing the pain that they caused another human being, handle moments of rage and anger from BSand probably more. This is a tough burden for anyone who has no training in these matters to navigate these waters. At times I empathize with my husband when I see how hard he's trying to rebuild our marriage. I have suggested he go for counselling to deal with all the emotions and turmoil that come with being a WS.
He absolutely should be doing all the work he is, but sometimes I put myself in his shoes and think about how hard this is for him too. I can see how it would be very difficult. I hate being the BS period. I resent him at times that I am suffering so much for what he felt washis 'happiness' and he doesn't actually feel the pain and experience the trauma of the affair like I do. That's mine. I live it everyday bc of a choice he made without regard for me. SUCKS!! But... I certainly would never want to be the WS!!!!
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