TimT

 Should you spy on a spouse if you suspect they are involved in an affair? 16  votes

 It is always justified. 12 votes
75%
 It is sometimes justified. 4 votes
25%
 It is never justified. 0 votes
0%
Please sign up or log in to vote.
Betrayed partners are sometimes conflicted about whether or not they should spy/investigate if they suspect their partner is cheating. This can involved checking texts, phone logs, logging into personal online accounts, putting spyware on a phone or computer, tracking travel, hiring a private investigator, among other behaviors. What do you think? Is this acceptable or unacceptable?
Quote 0 0
surviving
Since a marriage should have complete honesty, the lying cheater should know that spying will surely happen.  I wish I had been better at spying, or as I call it - being a good detective.  I had plenty of hints of his unfaithfulness.  I confronted him, he denied it, and I believed him.  If I had followed up on my hints, I would have discovered the 14-year affair 13 years sooner.  His affairs caused us to lose our home, his job, my friends, moving out of state to run from his OW, the respect of our children and so much more.  If you don't have an honest spouse, by all means, check it out.  Live and learn!
Quote 0 0
TimeToFly
I feel it is absolutely acceptable. If I hadn't uncovered a name & email address I'm not sure when I would have found out what was going on. Living with someone who's hiding things & lying about them is no way to live on a daily basis. Even with all my detective work I know I still missed various clues & hints. A good marriage is based on trust, honesty, integrity & love for each other (amongst other things). As a betrayed spouse I know I needed to find out the truth.
Quote 0 0
CrippledLamb
In a healthy relationship with openness and honesty, I don't think it would ever get to the point where checking on a partner's activities is necessary. My thought is that, while it can feel offensive to one partner that the other feels suspicion of cheating, either partner should feel able to ASK the other partner about their activities or openly see the other's activities without it being considered spying.
If the suspicion continues following a conversation about the suspicion, then there is definitely a trust/trustworthiness problem in the relationship.
Quote 0 0
TimeToFly
CrippledLamb,

While I agree with you that in a healthy relationship you wouldn't have to check on your partner's activities, affairs change so much of what was once considered healthy. The openness & honesty that was there becomes secretive behavior & lies. So, even though you can ask questions you may not get the answers that you are hoping for & yes that will create a trust issue. 
Quote 0 0
Courage
If I didn't dig and do the detective work the affair would probably still be going on. Also all the searching I did post discovery to uncover all the lies he told me about the affair. We all have an inner voice and we have to follow it to get to the truth. Just wish I followed it sooner instead of letting him make me think I was crazy. Yes, 100% it is justified.
Quote 0 0
CrippledLamb
TimeToFly wrote:
CrippledLamb,

While I agree with you that in a healthy relationship you wouldn't have to check on your partner's activities, affairs change so much of what was once considered healthy. The openness & honesty that was there becomes secretive behavior & lies. So, even though you can ask questions you may not get the answers that you are hoping for & yes that will create a trust issue. 

Absolutely right. I'm probably speaking too idealistically about the relationship I longed for, but I too had suspicions that led me down the road to discovering the exact opposite of what I wished I had.
Quote 0 0
TimT
Although this book was published in 2009, I'm reading it for the first time: You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life. It's a very good book directed toward betrayed wives, but with solid information and instruction. 

Here's a quote from that book that applies to the subject of this poll:

"Data collection can never prove his innocence or that he is telling the truth. It can only prove guilt. Women who become obsessed with data collection follow a pattern. First they have anxiety about his trustworthiness or about being made a fool of. They search for data. If they find evidence, that reinforces the need to look again. If they find no evidence, it can alleviate their anxiety temporarily, ant that is a highly rewarding feeling.

"People can become addicted to easing their anxiety by seeking out evidence, rather than easing their anxiety in some other way. If done compulsively, data gathering will leave you feeling like a drug addict. You'll feel temporarily satisfied and need another fix  later on.

"There is no rule about when to halt dat gathering. But the longer it goes on, the more it will complicate your situation. As soon as you think you can limit data gathering, do so. Cut back and perhaps on occasion do a random search. But eventually all such data gathering must cease if you wan to be happy in the relationship."
Quote 0 0