Gemini
I’m looking for some help guidance someone to talk to or maybe someone that’s experienced the same as myself.

Been with my partner for 9 years and we have 2 children together. Caught him having an affair and he refused to break it off. He continued it behind my back and eventually he ended up getting her pregnant. Fast forward almost 3 years now I’ve been trying to be understanding and work on the relationship but I feel like he’s not. He’s been cold and closed off not offering up much information. I understand he needs to be there for his child and I agree with that however they have no boundaries set. He’s only allowed to see the child when she’s around. She won’t allow the child to our home because of me, now mind you we’ve never met. I decided to follow him one night and caught him at a hotel with the woman and their child. He claims he only did it to see his child and they didn’t share a bed. He came clean and said that every other weekend he stays with them either at a hotel or at her house she shares with her parents. He says They have no sexual contact and that basically he will continue to do this for his child. Long story short how do you ever trust this person when he can’t cut her out of his life? How do you trust him staying the night, obviously you can’t? Do you forgive or can you. I’m so confused I don’t know what to do anymore..please help anyway possible she’d some light. 

Thanks sorry its long 
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anthro
Gemini wrote:
How do you trust him staying the night, obviously you can’t? Do you forgive or can you. I’m so confused I don’t know what to do anymore..please help anyway possible she’d some light. 


I think the clincher here is that he has been staying with them at a hotel or at her parents' house, and has kept that from you. The ongoing deception is not something you can live with, and the damage is done. You can't unbreak something that badly broken. Time to move on.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Vanessa
You need to protect YOU and your kids
He is not doing that. 
You earn trust through honesty - he has not been honest with you.
You need to think about what you are showing your kids is acceptable - that it is OK for daddy to go spend weekends with another woman and not you and your kids!  Do you want your daughter (if you have one) to think that is the sort of marriage she should be ok with? 
If you were my sister, before you confront him further, I would urge you to see an attorney and see what your options are in the future.  If he has a kid, I think the adultery is undeniable, however in some states if you "condone" the adultery you cannot file under adultery in the future (again state specific in the US - not sure where you are) 
I am so sorry you are enduring this awful journey.
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Keepabuzz
Step 1 - get a lawyer
Step 2 - change the locks or move. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
This isn’t about whether he has a child with her or not.  There are couples who have survived that.  

It’s about the fact that he isn’t a good or safe partner. 

1) He has continued to be deceitful- that, in and of itself, is a dealbreaker.  He lied and had an affair.  He continued to lie and created a child.  He is still lying and is spending time with her at a hotel.  What huge, life altering thing will the next lie be about? Don’t wait to find out. 

2) You said you’ve been working on the marriage, but you don’t feel like he has.  NOPE. He was the one who broke it - he should be doing the heavy lifting to fix it.  He’s acting as if he’s doing YOU some sort of favor by staying.  He’s not.  You did HIM a favor by giving him a second chance.  It sounds like he’s squandered it.  

It’s time to love yourself like you love your kids.  You wouldn’t let someone treat them this way - so don’t let them see you allow yourself to be degraded and lied to ANYMORE.  Show them that sometimes self respect is a hard - but absolutely necessary choice. 


BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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HangingOn
Nothing healthy for you or your children.
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Blessedby7
I think Thrive said it best.  He is not even trying to be a safe place for you and your kids.  It's time to walk.
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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Fionarob
I think you need to ask yourself how long you are willing to share your husband with another woman for.......because that is what is happening here and you are allowing it.  He has two women, two families, two lives.....clearly he's never going to be the one to choose.  Make the decision for him.  It is not unreasonable for you to expect him to NEVER spend time overnight with this woman EVER.  It's ridiculous beyond words that he thinks this is OK.  It's not OK.  I could not live with that, I don't know how you are doing it.
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Damaged
I’ve read elsewhere that whoever files for child support first gets the most money ( you or her). I would file for D and file for child support ASAP. See a lawyer ASAP. If they are seeing each other, they are having sex. Take care of yourself and your children now!
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Avellino1
So sorry this is happening to you... I hope you will eventually find the strength to realise that you  and your children are worth so much more.  But when we are treated with such disrespect by the very ones who are supposed to protect us it is hard to find self respect....Please look after yourself because your situation is heartbreaking....
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Gemini
Thank you all so much for the advice and kind words it’s greatly appreciated. I don’t really have anyone that’s not family I can talk to so it’s been good to get it out there and get some much needed advice. This has been an extremely hard thing to struggle with I’m not the same person anymore because of it all and I don’t want to continue to live this way anymore. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
Gemini - I know you are feeling broken right now - most of us do at one point in this process or another.  

But please remember this is NO reflection on you - this is your WHs fault.  You are worthy, special and valuable.  If someone doesn’t know they have a Picasso, it does not make it any less valuable.  

You are that Picasso.  Give yourself and your kids the kind of love you deserve.  

Please lean on us whenever you need to - we are all here for one another.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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