MixedBlessings
So I discovered that my wife was having an affair with a man that was also cheating on his girlfriend. I discovered the affair by accident and when I confronted my wife she immediately sprung in to defending her actions and stating she wanted a divorce. I was devastated. After a day or two she changed her mind and said she didn't want a divorce and that the affair had ended. I sensed she was lying so I started going through her computer and discovered that she had been taking screenshots of all their conversations and kept the in a folder on her hard drive (!!??), and that the affair was still ongoing. Again I confronted her and told her I could forgive her but she would have to stop seeing him. She was hesitant to affirm or deny anything and since christmas was coming up and the fact that we have two small children we decided to just go through the month and deal with all the damage after. She promised she would cease everything with the guy so we could figure out what to do. Long story short, this went on for a month, I would snoop and discover she was still seeing him behind my back, using various excuses and even the walks with our son to see him. I discovered they had booked a hotel room and then another...It just went on and on...while I suffered, lost weight, and spiraled in to shock and depression. I couldn't work, I couldn't sleep eat or function. Still can't. I ended up exposing everything to her lovers gf and contacted him as well. That put a definite end to the affair but the damage is so much greater now that our entire social circle is involved. 

I have one question for this amazing community: I get that she was going through the affair fog, but is that really the reason why she couldn't see the damage she was inflicting? He knew that I had uncovered the truth and she knew as well. Both of them were aware that I had discovered everything yet they kept on going, they even mention me in their text messages...I feel like they broke me for good, that their behaviour is pure evil, pure ego, I didn't think she was capable...Is this woman broken? Is she somehow unhealthy? She doesn't really seem to express any true remorse, on the contrary she is using the fact that I revealed the affair against me so I appear to me the wrongdoer. 

Anyway I'm distancing myself from her, I need to heal and focus on my kids. I want our marriage back, but I feel like the person I knew to be my wife, is dead.
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Keepabuzz
I think anyone that has an affair is unhealthy, and broken in some way.  I honestly don’t believe that the WS realizes the damage they are causing. This just goes to prove that they are broken in some or many ways.  I don’t think they can possibly ever truly understand it, even if they really put the work in to try. It’s just not possible. You have to live this he!l to truly understand the damage caused. 

We all have to make our own decisions, but if she is unremorsful, and is blaming you, I would have her move out. Stop the further damage. Look up the “180”. I would highly suggest that you read it and follow it. Not to manipulate your wife, but to help, and protect yourself. Set firm boundaries with firm consequences.  I set plenty of boundaries on D-day, and in the weeks after that day. The consequence for any violation was immediate move to divorce. 

I’m glad you found this place, although I’m sorry you need to be here. I hope you find this place as helpful as I have.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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MixedBlessings
Thank You so much for your reply. Im so thankful that i have discovered this site and thank you for your insight. I will look it up. 
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Fionarob
MixedBlessings

I am sorry to hear your story and understand what you are going through.  My ex husband ping-ponged for 2.5 years and it really took it's toll on me and our marriage until I could take no more.  It is a completely awful way to live.  I wish I had set firmer boundaries and been stronger sooner.

I think once the WS realise they can 'get away with it' then they will.  My h could see it was destroying me from the inside out, and yet it continued.  He just wouldn't or couldn't stop, despite the fact he stood to lose everything (apart from the AP of course.)

Keep coming here for advice.  I wish I had found this site sooner, I didn't come here until near the end.  It helped me a lot to make some hard decisions.
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UrbanExplorer
Your wife is "in the fog," like an addict. She's functioning on emotion and not logic. Her defense mechanisms are probably high right now because letting them go means letting in the awful realization of what she has done and how her AP wasn't worth it. Her mindset is not the best for making a major decision. She is not herself, so to speak.

Public humiliation also hindered progress for my H and me, as it ramped up panicky emotion and pressure (often pressure to divorce). Try to keep other people out of it unless they are your support people.

It took me 6 months after D-day to fully go no contact with my former AP. I'm not proud of that, but it is the truth. I'm also not saying you have to wait that long. Do what you need to do to protect and care for yourself and kids. 
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arizons
MixedBlessings wrote:
 I would snoop and discover she was still seeing him behind my back, 

I know how you feel. My husband kept seeing and talking with the ex-AP for three months after D-day. He would swear it was over and he didn't talk with her anymore... until I would catch him in a lie My husband was pretty dumb too because my husband isn't very computer literate, doesn't have a facebook account or look at it. ALL i had to do was post a picture of my husband together or make a post about what a wonderful day we had and the AP would go nuts on him and then he would yell at me about posting things online... to which I replied, "How would you know I posted that unless you were talking or seeing HER!"
    Honestly, I don't think he will ever know the pain and damage he truly caused. and when they are in the "FOG" they only care about feeding the addiction...
   Im so sorry you are going through this.... sending big hugs to you.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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stormyshay
I have noticed on the forum, many of the affairs that are discovered, instead of confessed, do not seem to end right away.  The BS knowing is not enough of a deterrent.  The AP's wife found out and the affair continued for another 8 months.  At the point my BS discovered it, the relationship continued for another 4 months.  

This is just my opinion but the fog of the affair is real.  I used all kind of faulty logic to justify my actions, such as convincing myself the AP was so wonderful.  Or that my husband and I were mismatched.  It was not until I began seeing the situation for what it was, and examined my own behavior, that the affair ended.  At that point, I put into place preventative measures to ensure the affair could not and would not continue.  It was not until I came to the conclusion on my own the affair had to end, instead of being forced into it ending, I was truly done with the AP.
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anthropoidape
stormyshay wrote:

This is just my opinion but the fog of the affair is real.  I used all kind of faulty logic to justify my actions, such as convincing myself the AP was so wonderful.  Or that my husband and I were mismatched.  It was not until I began seeing the situation for what it was, and examined my own behavior, that the affair ended.  At that point, I put into place preventative measures to ensure the affair could not and would not continue.  It was not until I came to the conclusion on my own the affair had to end, instead of being forced into it ending, I was truly done with the AP.


I first heard of the "fog" after d-day and for some time regarded it as a nonsense, an excuse, and wishful thinking. 

But the longer I spend dealing with this and observing my wife as time has passed the more I think it is a real and very strange thing. And, as my IC put it to me, a form of insanity driven by self-focus. 

There is absolutely no point applying ordinary logic to it, any more than you can apply ordinary logic to depression or anxiety or a drug addiction or membership of a doomsday cult or pathological paranoia or voting for Trump.

It does have a sort of internal logic but it is divorced from reality.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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UrbanExplorer
stormyshay wrote:
I have noticed on the forum, many of the affairs that are discovered, instead of confessed, do not seem to end right away.  The BS knowing is not enough of a deterrent.  The AP's wife found out and the affair continued for another 8 months.  At the point my BS discovered it, the relationship continued for another 4 months.  

This is just my opinion but the fog of the affair is real.  I used all kind of faulty logic to justify my actions, such as convincing myself the AP was so wonderful.  Or that my husband and I were mismatched.  It was not until I began seeing the situation for what it was, and examined my own behavior, that the affair ended.  At that point, I put into place preventative measures to ensure the affair could not and would not continue.  It was not until I came to the conclusion on my own the affair had to end, instead of being forced into it ending, I was truly done with the AP.


My affair was discovered when feelings were at their peak. I had a hard time shaking my rationalizations for a while. It's almost like my affair *had* to be worth something because accepting I had risked it all (marriage, family, integrity, reputation) for nothing would destroy me.
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arizons
stormyshay wrote:
I have noticed on the forum, many of the affairs that are discovered, instead of confessed, do not seem to end right away.  The BS knowing is not enough of a deterrent.  The AP's wife found out and the affair continued for another 8 months.  At the point my BS discovered it, the relationship continued for another 4 months.  

This is just my opinion but the fog of the affair is real.  I used all kind of faulty logic to justify my actions, such as convincing myself the AP was so wonderful.  Or that my husband and I were mismatched.  It was not until I began seeing the situation for what it was, and examined my own behavior, that the affair ended.  At that point, I put into place preventative measures to ensure the affair could not and would not continue.  It was not until I came to the conclusion on my own the affair had to end, instead of being forced into it ending, I was truly done with the AP.

I agree, the "THE FOG" is very very real.
I have to also agree with how the BS finds out. I found out from the AP and even though when I originally confronted my husband he said he felt ashamed but I was even more devastated when he refused to end it right then and there. I remember demanding that he call her and end it... his answer at the time was, "That will just complicate things" and he also said, "He was confused and didn't know what he wanted."
   Of course at the time I couldn't understand how he could be confused...etc etc. Of course fast forward one year later I have a way better and deeper understanding.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Be_amazing
anthropoidape wrote:


I first heard of the "fog" after d-day and for some time regarded it as a nonsense, an excuse, and wishful thinking. 

But the longer I spend dealing with this and observing my wife as time has passed the more I think it is a real and very strange thing. And, as my IC put it to me, a form of insanity driven by self-focus. 

There is absolutely no point applying ordinary logic to it, any more than you can apply ordinary logic to depression or anxiety or a drug addiction or membership of a doomsday cult or pathological paranoia or voting for Trump.

It does have a sort of internal logic but it is divorced from reality.


Thanks for your insight. How long did it take for the fog to lift? How was life like living with your spouse "fog"? Even though my WS is home and "wants" to work it out he is very short when we speak, can't maintain eye contact, its like business plus we have 3 kids.
This is not a great place to be in.
BS-
Together 20yrs, Married 11
3 children 
DDAY 9/2017, 10/2017, 2/2018
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MITM
anthropoidape wrote:

But the longer I spend dealing with this and observing my wife as time has passed the more I think it is a real and very strange thing. And, as my IC put it to me, a form of insanity driven by self-focus. 

There is absolutely no point applying ordinary logic to it, any more than you can apply ordinary logic to depression or anxiety or a drug addiction or membership of a doomsday cult or pathological paranoia or voting for Trump.

It does have a sort of internal logic but it is divorced from reality.

100% correct, that's what I've been observing. 
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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MITM
Be_amazing wrote:


Thanks for your insight. How long did it take for the fog to lift? How was life like living with your spouse "fog"? Even though my WS is home and "wants" to work it out he is very short when we speak, can't maintain eye contact, its like business plus we have 3 kids.
This is not a great place to be in.

Sadly I don't think there's any way to predict when it will lift. 
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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