I agree that it is not about fairness. I hadn’t done anything that called my honesty or integrity into question. I did not feel that in any way I NEEDED or was REQUIRED to put location services on my phone. And like Keep, I felt thoroughly entitled to put self-protection first and foremost in my mind. I think every BS should for a VERY long time. Trust of any substantial amount will, and should (IMO) be built very, very slowly after DD.
For me it was all about modeling the behavior I wanted to see. Everyone in my husband’s family kept secrets, didn't talk about emotion, didn’t know how to show vulnerability - always holding something back from others and even themselves. Even when they had nothing to hide, they were by nature, secretive.
I was trying to show him that living completely integrated - where what you say and do and feel on the inside and outside are the same - could be utterly freeing. That not having secrets or stuff you held back for self-preservation or to avoid unpleasant conversations could make living life 1000% easier - not harder.
For him, initially it was terrifying. What if you showed something bad? Or that other people didn’t like? That made them angry, sad, disappointed? Wasn’t it better for everyone to keep it bottled up? Compartmentalized? To avoid confrontation?
Even the 90% of our life together he’d been doing nothing wrong, he’d always been uncomfortable with complete transparency of his feelings and thoughts. Even with himself. Best not to think too much, lest you see something you don’t like about yourself. He rarely did any level of self-introspection and could rarely tell you when asked why he’d decided to act in the ways he had or say the things he had. I think on some level he always felt like an imposter, like if people (including he or I) looked too far under the surface they’d find out he wasn’t a good person. Of course that is typically of self-fulfilling prophecy. You think you won’t like what you see, so you don’t look. And since you don’t look, you never examine your motives or thinking which then in turn causes you not to determine who you are, who you want to be or filter your choices through the prism of your values.
Instead you are just in a constant state of reaction to life.
He’d always appreciated how I lived so “out in the open” but never examined it or how to do it for himself. But in the aftermath of DD he was finally doing all that - looking deeply into himself - and trying to learn a better way of living. To me, being able to share your location services was a part of what I call “living in the sun” . Of owning who your are, where you are and what you are doing - come hell or high water. Of holding your own self accountable. No shadows to hide in - from yourself or others.
I’d always been an open book for him - and he was motivated in trying to become that (for himself and me) - but it was such a foreign concept to him that he (as sad/stupid as this sounds) needed an example to follow.
That was the only reason I chose to do it. The BS is definitely not under any obligation to do so. NONE.