BlindCheetah
If you have GPS tracking on your WS’s phone do you also let them track your location?

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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hurting
Yes. Whatever I implemented for my WS, I also did for myself. It wasn’t NECESSARY as (as the BS) I could obviously demand whatever measures I needed and stay or go based off that since I’m not the one who was weak willed and did the betraying... but I did it anyway. 

I did it to make the measures more tolerable and ‘fairer’ for my WS. Whatever I asked of him, I would hold myself to the same standard. It wasn’t that he asked. I volunteered to submit to the same measures. In a way, that was my method of showing him how to live the honest relationship I demanded. I had nothing to hide.
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ThrivenotSurvive
Ditto for what hurting said.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah

Mostly I’m OK with sharing my location but I want to reserve the right to make a surprise visit when he’s making an overnight work trip.  The only time he’s done that since ending the affair he stayed with his step mom who I’m sure would kill him if she knew what he did.  

I tried several times before D-Day to share my work calendar complete with addresses where I was working that day, it’s different every day. He refused. When I was in an accident on the way to work in September he was impossible to contact until almost lunch. He was with AP.  He’s not pressuring me into sharing my location now but he does see it as a milestone he’s looking forward to. 

He is going to have to travel to the town where he met AP last soon, I am going with him. That trip was such a horrible mess of lies, It’s going to be a long time before I’m comfortable with him traveling in that area. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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Keepabuzz

I do have GPS on my wife’s phone. Before d-day we used “find friends”, now we use “Life 360”. Much more historical data, and I can tell if she turns off her location services as she did during her affair. I allow her to track me now, but I didn’t for the first year after d-day. I hear the whole fairness point of view, but I didn’t care. Fairness went out the window when she betrayed me. Now, it’s not that I cared that she tracked me, because I had absolutely nothing to hide. It was the point of it for me. I also had meetings with my lawyer that I didn’t want her to know about. Self protection was WAY more important than being fair towards a person that had not treated me fairly and didn’t deserve it. 


About 2 months after d-day my wife’s former AP had gotten back from out of state. I was still fighting hard not to give into the almost unstoppable urge to go beat the teeth out of his head. Apparently someone had shoved dog poop under the door handles of his car.  One of my wife former friends from her job told her about it, and that they all thought it was me. That night she asked me directly where I was at this certain timeframe on this certain day. I had actually been at my lawyers office discussing my options. I told her it was none of her business, but asked why did she need to know, and why the specific time? I had been gone most of the day. She told me what had happened and asked if that had been me. I looked at her with dead eyes and said “if and when I decide to do something to him, I assure you will not be some high school prank. It will up close, personal, and violent, and he will have no doubt who did it.”  Then I turned around and walked off.  The look of shock on her face is funny now. She was speechless. I got almost out the door before she barley uttered a fearful “o..k”. Wow was I an angry man!  

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive

I agree that it is not about fairness. I hadn’t done anything that called my honesty or integrity into question.  I did not feel that in any way I NEEDED or was REQUIRED to put location services on my phone.  And like Keep, I felt thoroughly entitled to put self-protection first and foremost in my mind.  I think every BS should for a VERY long time.  Trust of any substantial amount will, and should (IMO) be built very, very slowly after DD.  


For me it was all about modeling the behavior I wanted to see.  Everyone in my husband’s family kept secrets, didn't talk about emotion, didn’t know how to show vulnerability - always holding something back from others and even themselves.  Even when they had nothing to hide, they were by nature, secretive. 

I was trying to show him that living completely integrated - where what you say and do and feel on the inside and outside are the same - could be utterly freeing.  That not having secrets or  stuff you held back for self-preservation or to avoid unpleasant conversations could make living life 1000% easier - not harder.  

For him, initially it was terrifying.   What if you showed something bad? Or that other people didn’t like? That made them angry, sad, disappointed? Wasn’t it better for everyone to keep it bottled up? Compartmentalized? To avoid confrontation? 

Even the 90% of our life together he’d been doing nothing wrong, he’d always been uncomfortable with complete transparency of his feelings and thoughts.  Even with himself.  Best not to think too much, lest you see something you don’t like about yourself.  He rarely did any level of self-introspection and could rarely tell you when asked why he’d decided to act in the ways he had or say the things he had. I think on some level he always felt like an imposter, like if people (including he or I) looked too far under the surface they’d find out he wasn’t a good person.  Of course that is typically of self-fulfilling prophecy.  You think you won’t like what you see, so you don’t look.  And since you don’t look, you never examine your motives or thinking which then in turn causes you not to determine who you are, who you want to be or filter your choices through the prism of your values.  

Instead you are just in a constant state of reaction to life.  

He’d always appreciated how I lived so “out in the open” but never examined it or how to do it for himself.  But in the aftermath of DD he was finally doing all that - looking deeply into himself - and trying to learn a better way of living.  To me, being able to share your location services was a part of what I call “living in the sun” .  Of owning who your are, where you are and what you are doing - come hell or high water.  Of holding your own self accountable.  No shadows to hide in - from yourself or others.  

I’d always been an open book for him - and he was motivated in trying to become that (for himself and me) - but it was such a foreign concept to him that he (as sad/stupid as this sounds) needed an example to follow.  

That was the only reason I chose to do it.  The BS is definitely not under any obligation to do so.  NONE. 

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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