Heartbroken2015

My husband and I are both going to counseling individually.  He said his therapist said that I need to know in my mind if he is a Philanderer or was this a one time mistake? 

How do you know?  Is it certain behavior cues?  

My WH asked for a separation, we went to couples counseling where he began to make ridiculous accounts of why he wanted a separation…one including that he couldn't stand that I change several times while getting ready for work or that I don't compliment him when he is dressed?  Needless to say why we are in individual counseling.  I worked with him for 4 months on these little petty things that seemed so huge to him at the time.  We both kept asking if he was having an affair of which he denied.   I had moved out at the start as he was literally refusing to talk to me or look at me (we have a 5yr old and I thought it was starting to get stressed at home).  After all our work at counseling to fix my little imperfections…I was ready to move home.

2 days prior to giving my apt notice I found FB messages and he had been having an affair the whole 4mths!

He says it's over and wants me to return home.  I don't how he manipulated me all summer and treated me like I was ruining our marriage (of which he says he didn't care about those little things at all).

What cues can I see that will let me know if he was as he says at his worst and made himself believe I didn't love him anymore…was he at his worst and made a mistake (as he likes to call it) or was he craving the attention and want her or someone else again?

Quote 0 0
surviving
Heartbroken2015 - I wouldn't call a 4-month affair a mistake.  That is a decision, a choice, or a habit.  Until He has NO contact with his AP, I wouldn't say he is serious at all.  That is all my opinion, but also many other peoples' opinion on this forum.  I hurt for you!  We are 29 months from DDay.  I have found out so many things about the last 36 years that I never knew he was doing.  Even when I was sure he was having an affair, he denied it, and I believed him (how naive I was).  Ask your WS specific questions, he must answer them.  Watch for the clues of a continued affair.  TimT's ebooks are very helpful too!
Quote 0 0
Graceandhope
The initial exchange may have been a mistake. After that there was effort and choice . He should be showing effort and choice now with making things better. He displayed he wasn't who you thought he was with the affair, now he needs to show you he is not who you think he is now. It's an up hill battle it wil take effort and thought.
Quote 0 0
Kalmarjan
The thing is, if you read what you wrote with a critical eye... You already know the answer to the question.

A mistake is something you do without weighing everything first, and usually it's made in haste. Now, for sure you can make a conscious decision and regret your action, and that could be a mistake.

But...

All bets are off when you add repetition, no?

At that point, yes, he made a mistake the one time, yet carried on with an affair for 4 months? So, philanderer or a mistake?

Your heart knows the answer. Don't buy the hype. You deserve to be respected in your marriage, and deserve faithfulness.
Quote 0 0
Anna26
Heartbroken2015 wrote:

My WH asked for a separation, we went to couples counseling where he began to make ridiculous accounts of why he wanted a separation…one including that he couldn't stand that I change several times while getting ready for work or that I don't compliment him when he is dressed?  Needless to say why we are in individual counseling.  I worked with him for 4 months on these little petty things that seemed so huge to him at the time.  



Heartbroken:  Suddenly there is a whole heap of little things that irritate him about you?  He's probably been comparing you to her here and you weren't coming up to  scratch.  Because she was so perfect maybe it reminded him of all your little imperfections, the ones that he was used to, and tolerated because you were a partnership.  Maybe she got ready a whole lot quicker or was making inroads to making him feel good about himself.  All those things that shone about her and you maybe didn't have, annoyed him, so he used them as a reason to be separated. You probably already figured this out.
In time she would have irritated him too when all the novelty wore off. In the end we all have faults and flaws so don't try to change too much, you wouldn't be who you are.

And for what it's worth, I agree with the others.  A step over the line would be a mistake, to continue is a choice.  I would have thought if someone had realised they'd made a mistake, they'd realise it was wrong and want to put it right.
Quote 0 0
Kalmarjan
Anna26 wrote:
Heartbroken2015 wrote:

My WH asked for a separation, we went to couples counseling where he began to make ridiculous accounts of why he wanted a separation…one including that he couldn't stand that I change several times while getting ready for work or that I don't compliment him when he is dressed?  Needless to say why we are in individual counseling.  I worked with him for 4 months on these little petty things that seemed so huge to him at the time.  



Heartbroken:  Suddenly there is a whole heap of little things that irritate him about you?  He's probably been comparing you to her here and you weren't coming up to  scratch.  Because she was so perfect maybe it reminded him of all your little imperfections, the ones that he was used to, and tolerated because you were a partnership.  Maybe she got ready a whole lot quicker or was making inroads to making him feel good about himself.  All those things that shone about her and you maybe didn't have, annoyed him, so he used them as a reason to be separated. You probably already figured this out.
In time she would have irritated him too when all the novelty wore off. In the end we all have faults and flaws so don't try to change too much, you wouldn't be who you are.

And for what it's worth, I agree with the others.  A step over the line would be a mistake, to continue is a choice.  I would have thought if someone had realised they'd made a mistake, they'd realise it was wrong and want to put it right.


Anna26 just nailed the Grass is Greener phenomenon. The AP looks so good, so much better in comparison to your BS, but it's all an illusion. It's one you create yourself.

The weird thing is that those things that "bothered" me about my wife when I was doing the comparing are the very things that I love about her. It's what makes her personality up, the reason I love her. (I may be bald because of it, but whatever.)

An example... My wife had a leg day the other day. So her legs are sore and she can barely walk down the stairs. She flops herself into bed last night and tells me that she wants to get Randy with me, but since she can't move her legs, I'll have to do all the work.

See, that's the humor there I love about her. But two years ago I would have taken offence to that, because in my eyes I had this young woman paying attention to me, giving me what I desired.

Today I'm lucky enough that my wife even has a sense of humour left. Of course I didn't get in on the action, because that isn't how I roll... But it is heartening to see that we have gotten back to where we were before all this happened.

Coincidentally, she did look pretty funny climbing the stairs this morning. LOL Gotta love leg day. [smile]
Quote 1 0
Anna26
Leg day??  Nice Kal....I can tell you're a real charmer...lol [biggrin]
Quote 0 0
Kalmarjan
You should see me after leg day. I can barely walk. LOL
Quote 0 0
Fionarob
Ha ha!  It's so nice to hear that one day my husband might get back to thinking about me the way he used to - that I am a beautiful person and he is lucky to be married to me.  He has most certainly lost sight of this since being with his AP for two years.  Everything about her (in his words) was "over the top"  - she constantly gave him compliments and made him feel f*****g amazing (also his words!!) 

I am not that type of person, and never have been.  And yet he never said it bothered him before because he knew I loved and adored him, it was enough.  But now, because he has been so used to it he wants me to be like that.  I just can't start being a person I am not naturally, and I am rebelling against it because I don't want to do something just because his AP did! 

Plus I kind of think why should I be giving him compliments all the time to make himself feel good - I could do with feeling good about myself first!  I understand he is full of shame and not feeling that great about himself either, I get all of that.  I have read a lot about shame to try and understand where he is coming from.  Are a few forced compliments really going to help him get over that?  Maybe that's a whole new thread I might start!

Quote 0 0
Anna26
Kalmarjan wrote:
You should see me after leg day. I can barely walk. LOL



Kal, you make me laugh... I'm so glad I'm just a couch potato...have to go up and down our stairs too many times...

That said, I do my leg days walking to work and back, 'bout a mile each way [smile]
Quote 0 0
Anna26
Fionarob wrote:


I am not that type of person, and never have been.  And yet he never said it bothered him before because he knew I loved and adored him, it was enough.  But now, because he has been so used to it he wants me to be like that.  I just can't start being a person I am not naturally, and I am rebelling against it because I don't want to do something just because his AP did! 





Exactly Fionarob, I'm very much like that too.  You stick to your principles girl!  The whole point of changing anything is to work together to make things better for both of you.
I wouldn't like to think I was jumping through hoops for someone who wasn't prepared to do the same for me too.
My parents would have said I was stubborn and awkward and it's true!
But I've always tried to be an individual and not done what everyone else did, I've never really run with the crowd and taught my children that it was okay to be like that and stand out from everyone if they wanted to.   Funny now, when I think we are all in this place together, all doing and going through the same thing lol...
By the way, you are, and we all are amazing too, because we are unique, so why WOULD we want to act  the same as someone else..
Quote 1 0
Fionarob
Absolutely Anna26!

Our husbands fell in love with the people we were - it's their problem if they have lost sight of all the great, beautiful and unique things about us that they used to love and adore!  I do not want to feel that I am in any way becoming someone else to satisfy this new need my husband has discovered - and I especially do not want to become HER!!

Quote 1 0