he calls me when he can. we cant talk very long. the fact that he's on dangerous missions makes me feel like it's not fair to stress him out with my emotional stuff at this point. what's hard is the waiting til he comes home part. since he deploys quite often i manage all the household stuff, bills, taxes, repairs, yardwork etc. If i continue to manage all this stuff and it turns out he comes back and doesn't want this marrige to work i will feel used and pissed. On the other hand, if I stop managing stuff and everything falls to sh*t and he does want the marrige to work then i've really just screwed us both ie.. taxes dont get done, bills dont get paid, house remains un repaired (we bought a fixer upper) for example, yesterday i was scraping wall paper and would have rather been doing something else but the wall paper job had to be done, so much has to be done in the house, so to sum it up... do i take the chance our marrige is gonna work and continue to do these things or assume our marrige won't work and stop fixing our house?
I don't think there will be one person on here that hasn't felt or thought what you are saying right now. For me it was all of those kinds of things, and when he was talking about doing things like decorating a room or sorting out the garden, my mind was screaming, WHY? Why are you talking like this? I couldn't even think what my future might be, or where it might be, as in would we have to sell the house? How? I would have to move. Get another job (in my area? Yeah, right) My head was so full of worry, and I think you go a bit like that, pre-empting things, getting ahead of yourself and worrying about the future. I went a bit manic, preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best...
I can only think that my husband desperately wanted to cling on to some kind of normality and that's how he was doing it. Just being normal.
Thinking back, what I needed to do was slow things right down and BREATHE! I had time to consider, there was no rush, but at the time I couldn't see it. Pain does strange things to a person.
You will be feeling a bit in limbo at the moment. While you are waiting for him to return everything is on hold. I think you need to be as 'normal' as you can be, do whatever you need to do to take your mind off things. If you can't share things with him, do you have a close friend or trusted person that you can talk to? Maybe someone elses perspective would be good.
I don't think you can make any hard and fast decisions just yet, but nothing will spoil in the meantime. I know it's difficult to think about what you want to do, with no input from him, but I discovered my spouse didn't know what to do either! Ultimately, only you can come to terms with things, (for yourself). Only you can decide whether you will be able to reconcile and work on your marriage, but it will take time, all you can do right now is use it as wisely as you can.