veronica
 i'm a BS of a military H, married 12 yrs, no kids. been with him his whole time in service, he's been on many very harsh deployments. he's been through alot of bad stuff. I've always known that i would be his safe place and stay with him even if he falls apart (ptsd) or comes back from mission with missing limbs, paralysed whatever, sorry to be so graphic but it is a reality.  I've been questioning my commitment to being a strong army wife, He deployed again 5 weeks after d day, he's still away, he has done and sacrificed so much for our country.  some info.. he confessed A to me and says he has NC but I won't really know if he will make steps to change until he is actually back home. BIG question for me IS my sense of loyalty to my country, my soldier, I know i help hold him together. any comments appreciated. thanks
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Fionarob
I am sorry, but in my opinion nobody deserves "special consideration" in the case of an affair.  A job is a job, an affair is stepping outside of marriage - the two are in no way related.  Many people do amazing work  - surgeons, nurses, firefighters, teachers etc etc etc.  Does this mean they have more right to an affair than somebody else?  No.  An affair is about your commitment to your marriage, not to your country.  I have no doubt that your husband has sacrificed a lot for his country, but this does not give him any more right to betray you than anybody else.  Does it make the betrayal any less painful for the BS, no!  The pain is just the same.

It is interesting that you see your role as helping to hold him together and be the strong army wife.  What is his role in the marriage?  Who is there for you while you are being the strong one holding it all together?  Marriage should be a partnership where you can lean on each other, not where one does all the leaning and the other is being strong all of the time.  Aside from your loyalty to your country and your soldier, what are you doing for you?
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Tim2014
Thrown4aloop.
I'm a vet myself ! Has he reached out to you since his deployment! I agree he doesn't deserve special considerations but if you're reconciling what are his actions now!
That is the question?
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Anna26
I agree with the two posts above, they should be completely separate things.  If your husband were working in any other occupation would you be asking the same question?   I think a wife would support her husband, no matter what his job. My own husband works shifts and there have always had to be workarounds and compensations for this in our lives.  Loss of weekends and family time together doing all the normal things.  You sound so much like me, always being the strong one, and always having to put up with the being the last on the 'to do' list. Always waiting around to be fitted in around the work pattern, and we put up with it because the spouse is the main breadwinner and they do a stirling job supporting the family financially.  I need to learn to put myself first more, and that's hard because I've always felt selfish for doing that.

I'm sure your husband does a great job for his country but it's just confusing your priorities here. And that should be you and your marriage.
You need the support right now, and when he returns I hope you get what you need.

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veronica
he calls me when he can. we cant talk very long. the fact that he's on dangerous missions makes me feel like it's not fair to stress him out with my emotional stuff at this time.
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Tim2014
Well Veronica it's a difficult decision! Let me ask you this? You said he told you about the affair? Did he tell you this because of guilt or because he still loves you and wants your marriage to work! I can't say for sure but from your posts it sounds like he wants your marriage ! Only you know your brief conversations when he can contact you!
I guess it boils down to you taking the risk and comtining on doing all you do! But knowing there's the possibility of him choosing someone else!
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UrbanExplorer
How long until he returns? If it were me, I would probably try not to make a major decision (like divorce) until he was back and I could see where we were.
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Anna26
veronica wrote:
he calls me when he can. we cant talk very long. the fact that he's on dangerous missions makes me feel like it's not fair to stress him out with my emotional stuff at this point. what's hard is the waiting til he comes home part. since he deploys quite often i manage all the household stuff, bills, taxes, repairs, yardwork etc. If i continue to manage all this stuff and it turns out he comes back and doesn't want this marrige to work i will feel used and pissed. On the other hand, if I stop managing stuff and everything falls to sh*t and he does want the marrige to work then i've really just screwed us both  ie.. taxes dont get done, bills dont get paid, house remains un repaired (we bought a fixer upper)  for  example, yesterday i was scraping wall paper and would have rather been doing something else but the wall paper job had to be done, so much has to be done in the house,  so to sum it up... do i take the chance our marrige is gonna work and continue to do these things or assume our marrige won't work and stop fixing our house?



I don't think there will be one person on here that hasn't felt or thought what you are saying right now. For me it was all of those kinds of things, and when he was talking about doing things like decorating a room or sorting out the garden, my mind was screaming, WHY? Why are you talking like this?  I couldn't even think what my future might be, or where it might be, as in would we have to sell the house?   How? I would have to move. Get another job (in my area? Yeah, right) My head was so full of worry, and I think you go a bit like that, pre-empting things, getting ahead of yourself and worrying about the future. I went a bit manic, preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best...
I can only think that my husband desperately wanted to cling on to some kind of normality and that's how he was doing it.  Just being normal. 
Thinking back, what I needed to do was slow things right down and BREATHE!  I had time to consider, there was no rush, but at the time I couldn't see it.  Pain does strange things to a person.

You will be feeling a bit in limbo at the moment. While you are waiting for him to return everything is on hold.  I think you need to be as 'normal' as you can be, do whatever you need to do to take your mind off things.  If you can't share things with him, do you have a close friend or trusted person that you can talk to?  Maybe someone elses perspective would be good.

I don't think you can make any hard and fast decisions just yet, but nothing will spoil in the meantime.  I know it's difficult to think about what you want to do, with no input from him, but I discovered my spouse didn't know what to do either!  Ultimately, only you can come to terms with things, (for yourself).  Only you can decide whether you will be able to reconcile and work on your marriage,  but it will take time, all you can do right now is use it as wisely as you can. 
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Thrown4aLoop
I agree that no decisions should or need to be made right now. I know that it feels like you have no control right now and if you make a decision you take back your control...that you are doing something. Work on things you can control, talk to someone, talk to the folks here, read... do at least one thing every day that is just for YOU. Yoga, walk, volunteer...I know that exercise really helps me and its a proven method to help depression because of the brain chemicals released...you can always take up boxing to get your aggression out :-)

What were the circumstances surrounding his cheating?

Whatever happened, you need to work on you and your strength to deal with all the emotions and the ups and downs that will occur when he comes home. Take this time, if you can, to work through some of the anger and hurt. At least for me that extreme anger has faded some and if I had been able to get to where I am now, I would have handled things and myself a little different when my husband and I were trying to figure out what to do. There is no excuse for this betrayal, but my deep seated anger and hurt turned my acid tongue into a weapon and that didn't help the situation—it was another reason for my WS to think we couldn't or wouldn't get to a better space.
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