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ThrivenotSurvive
BlytheSpirit - 

it's funny - while I agreed with a lot of what EasyasABC said BUT -  I took umbrage at this characterization as well.  I think there are a lot more reasons that a BS might not choose to reach out.  And how much/how little our spouse's APs knew and their motivations vary wildly on this site. 

There have been times when I feel that Easy's take on a situation is colored significantly by her specific situations (an ex who clearly cheated with many women who had no idea he was married and then later being manipulated by another serial cheater who seemed well-adept at using the state of his relationship to paint a picture of his being "trapped")

But not every AP is the same.  While many have been lied to, or heavily manipulated - many are very clear on what they are getting themselves into.  Some try to drive a wedge purposefully - I hate to admit it but I had an aunt that quite obviously went after a wealthy man because she wanted to be taken care of.  She made no bones about it - and she was successful.  Other APs are friends of the family that KNOW that this was a previously happy relationship that is having issues - but rather than letting the couple sort it out themselves (whether it leads to divorce or regaining their connection) they inject themselves.  The one thing certain to NOT help.  I could go on and on... the point is that not all APs are home-wrecking monsters out to steal spouses.  Some are innocent victims.  Some are not.  And most are somewhere on the spectrum in between.  

I did not choose to reach out to my husband's AP - not because I trusted every word that was coming out of my husband's mouth, or because I wanted to stay happily ignorant.  But because I didn't trust her any more than I did him.  Actually, less.  He stood to lose a lot if I caught him in another lie.  She had EVERYTHING to gain by making me mistrust him.  She made it clear she hoped that I would leave him and they could continue their relationship.  I could not trust her motivations in the least.  

I had known him since we were 13 and 14 years old - I had a pretty good shot at knowing when he was lying.  The only thing that had prevented me from figuring it out quicker was because we were having to live apart for work.  He wasn't in the house for more than three weeks straight when I flat out asked him what was going on - and he spilled his guts.  All of that told me I had a better shot at trusting MYSELF in reading his truthfulness than talking to her.   And of course, some HARD CORE digital digging to verify what I believed to be true. 

Also, and I am not trying to be callous to the APs on this site, many of whom I have great respect for now - I just didn't want to give her the time of day.  In my mind it was giving her a level of importance in my life that I had never invited her to have.   This woman had gone out of her way to befriend me when I was visiting my husband just 4 months before starting to "hang out as friends" and a mere 6 months before sleeping with him.  And do you know what she went on and on about to MY FACE?  How lucky I was that my husband loved me so much.  That he talked about me and our daughter all the time.  That it was sweet how much he missed me.  

So yes, I am sure that he told her a lot about how neglected and taken for granted he felt - but she never for one moment didn't think he loved me.  Because she told me so to MY face.  She just thought that she could step into the vacuum of my absence and create a space for herself.  SHE decided that if I was't going to take care of my "good man" than she would - and in doing so hoped to get a life filled with a lot more ease and financial well-being than she had. 

I have made my peace with this.  She was a lonely young woman who had been mistreated by a former boyfriend who had cheated and left her with a venereal disease.  I think she saw everything she wanted for herself in my life - and thought that I wasn't appreciating what I had.  Maybe she even convinced herself I wasn't that "into" my husband anymore because I didn't flaunt the fact that I was, in fact, very much in love with him too.  None of that makes her a monster in my eyes, any more than feeling angry and hurt about a perceived "rejection" makes my husband one.  But they were weak and took what seemed like the easiest path to feeling better - one that they knew could hurt others, but didn't care.  That does make them both selfish and lacking in integrity.  If my husband had not done intensive work to resolve though issues within himself, I would not be with him today.  They are decidedly unattractive characteristics.  

So no, for me - asking one weak and selfish person with muddled motivations to give me the "truth" about another weak and selfish person, was like asking the blind to tell me about the colors in a sunset.  How would they know the "truth" when they clearly had duped themselves into this situation?
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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jasmine
The crucial point here is that the BS lies to both parties. I suspect it’s quite common for the OW not to know the truth about her AP’s marriage/long term relationship. 

I gave one one example from my younger days in another thread where I was told AFTER the first date with an older guy that he had a girlfriend/fiancée who was expecting him to marry her. They weren’t living together, at least not full time. He wanted me to believe he was footloose and fancy free - a free spirit. I didn’t continue seeing him, but my point is he was pretending to be single/unattached. 

I also remember another man. I was just 20 at the time. He asked me out for a drink. I said no. I wasn’t the slightest bit interested in him, besides I had a boyfriend I was crazy in love with. The following week this older guy (older than me at the time, about 30-35) told me “actually, I’m married” and then went on to tell me he didn’t believe in marriage, it was only for tax reasons, blah blah. So what. Why tell me this? I was so not interested. After that I stopped going to the community centre where he worked. I had to. I saw his interest as harassment. But my point is ... this was a married man who had no intention of telling me he was married before asking me out. I didn’t go out with him because I didn’t want to go out with him. He was lying by omission. And did he rush home to tell his wife “oh, by the way, at work today asked a girl out”? I doubt it. I doubt he told her he only married her for the tax breaks. 
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blythespirit
EasyAsABC wrote:


Not all OW are poison, some are taken advantage of just as much as the BS. 


All APs (male or female) are poison, vis a vis the BS and his or her WS.  If you don’t like the word poison, substitute irrelevant.  My point is that there is truly nothing worthwhile or helpful to be gained by contact with the AP.  Does any one particular AP have some good qualities?  Probably.  But not in the context of the affair.  Do they get lied to as much as the BS.  I imagine that’s pretty much always the case.  Lies go along with the game, and they flow in both directions.  WS to AP and vice versa.  Neither is more or less culpable, in my opinion.  Very, very few and far between are the APs who have been so misled by their “otherwise attached” partners that they truly had no idea of the existence of a spouse.  
 
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blythespirit


So no, for me - asking one weak and selfish person with muddled motivations to give me the "truth" about another weak and selfish person, was like asking the blind to tell me about the colors in a sunset.  How would they know the "truth" when they clearly had duped themselves into this situation?
 

^^Yes, exactly.  
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