it's funny - while I agreed with a lot of what EasyasABC said BUT - I took umbrage at this characterization as well. I think there are a lot more reasons that a BS might not choose to reach out. And how much/how little our spouse's APs knew and their motivations vary wildly on this site. There have been times when I feel that Easy's take on a situation is colored significantly by her specific situations (an ex who clearly cheated with many women who had no idea he was married and then later being manipulated by another serial cheater who seemed well-adept at using the state of his relationship to paint a picture of his being "trapped") But not every AP is the same. While many have been lied to, or heavily manipulated - many are very clear on what they are getting themselves into. Some try to drive a wedge purposefully - I hate to admit it but I had an aunt that quite obviously went after a wealthy man because she wanted to be taken care of. She made no bones about it - and she was successful. Other APs are friends of the family that KNOW that this was a previously happy relationship that is having issues - but rather than letting the couple sort it out themselves (whether it leads to divorce or regaining their connection) they inject themselves. The one thing certain to NOT help. I could go on and on... the point is that not all APs are home-wrecking monsters out to steal spouses. Some are innocent victims. Some are not. And most are somewhere on the spectrum in between. I did not choose to reach out to my husband's AP - not because I trusted every word that was coming out of my husband's mouth, or because I wanted to stay happily ignorant. But because I didn't trust her any more than I did him. Actually, less. He stood to lose a lot if I caught him in another lie. She had EVERYTHING to gain by making me mistrust him. She made it clear she hoped that I would leave him and they could continue their relationship. I could not trust her motivations in the least. I had known him since we were 13 and 14 years old - I had a pretty good shot at knowing when he was lying. The only thing that had prevented me from figuring it out quicker was because we were having to live apart for work. He wasn't in the house for more than three weeks straight when I flat out asked him what was going on - and he spilled his guts. All of that told me I had a better shot at trusting MYSELF in reading his truthfulness than talking to her. And of course, some HARD CORE digital digging to verify what I believed to be true. Also, and I am not trying to be callous to the APs on this site, many of whom I have great respect for now - I just didn't want to give her the time of day. In my mind it was giving her a level of importance in my life that I had never invited her to have. This woman had gone out of her way to befriend me when I was visiting my husband just 4 months before starting to "hang out as friends" and a mere 6 months before sleeping with him. And do you know what she went on and on about to MY FACE? How lucky I was that my husband loved me so much. That he talked about me and our daughter all the time. That it was sweet how much he missed me. So yes, I am sure that he told her a lot about how neglected and taken for granted he felt - but she never for one moment didn't think he loved me. Because she told me so to MY face. She just thought that she could step into the vacuum of my absence and create a space for herself. SHE decided that if I was't going to take care of my "good man" than she would - and in doing so hoped to get a life filled with a lot more ease and financial well-being than she had. I have made my peace with this. She was a lonely young woman who had been mistreated by a former boyfriend who had cheated and left her with a venereal disease. I think she saw everything she wanted for herself in my life - and thought that I wasn't appreciating what I had. Maybe she even convinced herself I wasn't that "into" my husband anymore because I didn't flaunt the fact that I was, in fact, very much in love with him too. None of that makes her a monster in my eyes, any more than feeling angry and hurt about a perceived "rejection" makes my husband one. But they were weak and took what seemed like the easiest path to feeling better - one that they knew could hurt others, but didn't care. That does make them both selfish and lacking in integrity. If my husband had not done intensive work to resolve though issues within himself, I would not be with him today. They are decidedly unattractive characteristics. So no, for me - asking one weak and selfish person with muddled motivations to give me the "truth" about another weak and selfish person, was like asking the blind to tell me about the colors in a sunset. How would they know the "truth" when they clearly had duped themselves into this situation?
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl