strength1
I'm looking to hear from women who were in an affair with a married man.  

At the beginning of their long-distance affair 2 years ago my husband told the other woman that he and I were living like brother and sister.  One month ago she moved here.  No one knows about this other woman except I and my husband's 2 best friends (and the friends and family of the other woman).   

I'm quite tech-savvy, and she has open Instagram and Facebook accounts.  Her Instagram account is very easily accessible because she has an uncommon 2nd surname. On the other hand on Facebook she has 2 accounts - one with her 2 surnames and therefore easily traceable - this seems inactive, and another one with her very common name and surname - there are  hundreds of social media users with the same name. I found it out by sheer luck.

My husband is on Facebook, accesses it regularly, but is not friends there with either her or any of her friends who know him (of which there are quite a few).

My husband and she went on holiday together in August, and she posted photos of their holiday location (not thought of my husband).   Last week she removed the photos from Instagram, but kept the ones on Facebook. In the meantime, she's taken to posting more photos of how in love she is, how happy she is, on Facebook. This afternoon she posted 2 photos of him (so far untagged) on Facebook. 

I have strong reasons to believe that last week a friend of my husband told him that his lover is being indiscreet.    He will then have asked her to remove them from Instagram, which are the ones he could see (incidentally I would love to know what he will have told her to explain why he wanted photos of their holiday location removed).  However he can't have found her real Facebook account and doesn't know what she's posting.  

From the perspective of the more experienced people round here, do you think she's taunting me?  And how likely is it that she will eventually start tagging him on Facebook?    Should I be doing anything about it? 
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Keepabuzz
Keep copies of all of it. It will help you in divorce court. Document everything. Me personally, I would go onto those pics and tag him myself. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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strength1
Thanks for the advice concerning evidence, Keepabuzz.   Concerning the tagging, so far I have not done it because I am still working towards a reconciliation.  I'm not keen to spread the news about his affair, so far.  
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Keepabuzz
strength1 wrote:
Thanks for the advice concerning evidence, Keepabuzz.   Concerning the tagging, so far I have not done it because I am still working towards a reconciliation.  I'm not keen to spread the news about his affair, so far.  


I understand that.  You need to close the door for him. But more importantly for YOU!  He may come around, he may not, but you need to close the door to you and move forward without him. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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EasyAsABC
If she removed the photos on Insta, but left the FB ones, my assumption is that she doesn’t know you’ve found her active FB, because he also apparently knows nothing about it. In that case, how would she be intentionally taunting you? Unless you reached out to let her know you’ve found her active FB? Or she reached out to tell you to check them out? There’s no taunting involved in unknown online surveillance. 
She sounds delusional, but not like she’s intentionally flaunting their relationship for you. 
She cant tag him in these photos unless they are friends on FB, and from what you’ve said, they aren’t. 
It honestly just sounds like she’s living in her little bubble where everything he’s told her is still 100% fact, and she won’t believe differently. She’s preparing her life for his “inevitable” split from his “unloving, uncaring wife who is basically just a friend at this point” (what I was told by the man I was seeing). She will not take it well if your spouse is as keen on rebuilding as you are, so that’s something to watch out for. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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strength1
EasyAsABC wrote:
If she removed the photos on Insta, but left the FB ones, my assumption is that she doesn’t know you’ve found her active FB, because he also apparently knows nothing about it. In that case, how would she be intentionally taunting you? Unless you reached out to let her know you’ve found her active FB? Or she reached out to tell you to check them out? There’s no taunting involved in unknown online surveillance. 


My guess is that through the Facebook algorithms my name popped on as a suggested friend. 

In the meantime, my daughters informed me that H has opened an Instagram account.  Full of photos with lots of tags, some wrongly tagged to a country (the right country would be the one I come from...), and the worst is the list of 4 people he is following:  our two daughters, OW and her son.   How long before OW posts something inappropriate which our children will see, I wonder.  
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EasyAsABC
strength1 wrote:


My guess is that through the Facebook algorithms my name popped on as a suggested friend. 

In the meantime, my daughters informed me that H has opened an Instagram account.  Full of photos with lots of tags, some wrongly tagged to a country (the right country would be the one I come from...), and the worst is the list of 4 people he is following:  our two daughters, OW and her son.   How long before OW posts something inappropriate which our children will see, I wonder.  



FB algorithms will suggest you as a friend if you two have mutual friends, she has your number saved to her mobile and accesses FB via mobile, or if she’s searched your profile out intentionally (probably likely, but who knows). I guess my point is that it doesn’t seem like she’s intentionally trying to push your buttons (over social media), that she’s likely just living in this fantasy world where she’s “rescuing” your husband from a wife that doesn’t want him, and in love with someone that’s “never felt like this before about a woman”. 
There are certainly things that OW can and will do to “mark their territory”, but from what you’ve described in both of your posts, it seems like she’s operating based off of his lies only right now. It honestly seems like she’s under the impression that your relationship is long since over, and maybe the only reason she’s exercising even the littlest bit of discretion (taking down the Insta photos) is based on new lies your husband is feeding her, “I don’t want to make my divorce more difficult” “I don’t want to rub our happiness in my soon to be ex wife’s face”, etc... 
I say this not to defend her, but to provide a little insight. I was this woman, I get where her head is. She seems a lot like me, the situation seems pretty similar to mine (except that I didn’t move to a different country to be with my attached man). There are definitely predatory and advantage seeking OW, this doesn’t quite seem like one of those cases though. She may have (and likely has been) lied to just as much as you, the only difference being she isn’t as entitled to the complete truth, his wife is though. 
Now, maybe I’m completely off the mark, maybe she knows exactly what she’s doing, exactly who she’s hurting and how, it just doesn’t seem that way based off of my personal experience, and the information you’ve shared here. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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strength1
She may have (and likely has been) lied to just as much as you”.

He must sooo be lying to her.  We took a long-booked family trip to my country back in June.  He’s posted one photo of himself on Insta, and tagged it with the wrong country.  It has just occurred to me that he never told her we were going to my country; perhaps he never even told her he was on holiday, since she was still living overseas and he was texting at the same times.  What a mess. And he’s posted loads of photos I took of him over the years, where he looks good.   FFS!
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EasyAsABC
strength1 wrote:
She may have (and likely has been) lied to just as much as you”.

He must sooo be lying to her.  We took a long-booked family trip to my country back in June.  He’s posted one photo of himself on Insta, and tagged it with the wrong country.  It has just occurred to me that he never told her we were going to my country; perhaps he never even told her he was on holiday, since she was still living overseas and he was texting at the same times.  What a mess. And he’s posted loads of photos I took of him over the years, where he looks good.   FFS!


This may be one of those rare times when you and the OW having a frank factual conversation may be beneficial to you both. 
I know if the partner of the attached man I was seeing reached out to me, especially now, I’d answer her questions as honestly as possible. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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UrbanExplorer
My guess is she's not taunting you (doesn't realize you can see the photos) but is somehow trying to legitimize the affair relationship or even put pressure on him after she took this big and ill-advised step of moving there. Are you willing to talk to her? 
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strength1
Incidentally, EasyasABC, my husband says that OW knows NOTHING of the veritable turmoil and depression he is going through, although she’s beginning to suspect. He’s been talking to me about it, but not to her.  He doesn’t want a divorce, has his doubts about his relationship with OW, is living day by day.  I have now closed the deep-talk channel.  Cake, eating, I’m not doing that any longer.
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strength1
My guess is she's not taunting you (doesn't realize you can see the photos) but is somehow trying to legitimize the affair relationship or even put pressure on him after she took this big and ill-advised step of moving there. Are you willing to talk to her? 



My husband told her at the start of their relationship that we were no longer living like husband and wife but like brother and sister, which was NOT true.  So she feels she has nothing to hide.  She even boasted on Facebook that their trip in August was his surprise anniversary trip!  Poor woman.

He says he met her by chance and then the whole thing snowballed out of control and suddenly she’s moved here.  

I still don’t see how meeting OW would help, other than make her dig in her claws further and make him angry.  You see, when he knew she was moving here, he gave me his “I love you but I’m not in love with you” BS and rentes a room.  Technically we are separated since March, but more recently he tells ME he is torn and knows he made a mistake.
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EasyAsABC
strength1 wrote:



My husband told her at the start of their relationship that we were no longer living like husband and wife but like brother and sister, which was NOT true.  So she feels she has nothing to hide.  She even boasted on Facebook that their trip in August was his surprise anniversary trip!  Poor woman.

He says he met her by chance and then the whole thing snowballed out of control and suddenly she’s moved here.  

I still don’t see how meeting OW would help, other than make her dig in her claws further and make him angry.  You see, when he knew she was moving here, he gave me his “I love you but I’m not in love with you” BS and rentes a room.  Technically we are separated since March, but more recently he tells ME he is torn and knows he made a mistake.


The potential benefits of meeting could be arguable. However, it could potentially give both of you the honesty you both deserve, the honesty neither of you are getting from him. 
However, it could also backfire. It’s definitely something to think through, if it would be more painful for you than you think you could bear, obviously just let her deal with her own mess. 
Being on the other side of this, I can tell you it eats me alive knowing that the attached man I was seeing bold face lied to his partner about most everything. But, being on this side of the problem, I can’t justify giving her the unsolicited truth after my previously involvement. I have hoped she’d reach out to me to get more of the truth, but she hasn’t. Which means she’s happy in her ignorance, or she found it extremely easy to believe every word coming out of his mouth. I don’t know what the case is, either way, I think you’re in a more acceptable situation to simply say “I think you’re being lied to, would you like to have a conversation?”  
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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blythespirit


Interesting that you characterize the BS this way.  Ignorant or gullible??  Do you not consider the possibility that she’s neither?  Perhaps she does have the truth, and you do not.  

In any case, no good can come from a BS having contact with her husband’s affair partner, in my opinion.  She’s poison by definition.  Don’t make her more important than she is/was.  The affair’s isn’t/wasn’t about her.  
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EasyAsABC


Interesting that you characterize the BS this way.  Ignorant or gullible??  Do you not consider the possibility that she’s neither?  Perhaps she does have the truth, and you do not.  

In any case, no good can come from a BS having contact with her husband’s affair partner, in my opinion.  She’s poison by definition.  Don’t make her more important than she is/was.  The affair’s isn’t/wasn’t about her.  


Ignorance doesn’t need to mean something negative here. I’ve been a BS that willingly ignored signs of my husbands continued infidelity because I just couldn’t take anymore, for some ignorance is the only bliss they have. 

In the case of my role as the OW, he was “caught” talking to me after DDay, he lied and she dropped it, I can’t know exactly why, but it’s eerily familiar to situations I’ve been in as a BS. We were together shortly after DDay, and she asked him to send his location to her, as he was supposed to be at work and wasn’t. He sent an old tagged location near his office that he had previously sent a few days prior, and she dropped her suspicion that he was with me. 

He had 12+ other affairs before meeting me, over the course of about 6-7 years, I know she knows nothing about these. 

In the case this post is about, the OW was told the marriage was over, they were living as “brother and sister”, she wasn’t around to see if that was the truth. All she knows is that the man she loves told her his relationship with his wife was over, and when she moved here to be close to him, he was living alone, she has no reason to believe he lied, she has physical proof he didn’t. Not all OW are poison, some are taken advantage of just as much as the BS. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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