Everything I have read, and it seemed to hold true for me as well as some others on here, says that it will take at minimum 2 years before you begin to feel completely yourself again. That’s 24 months. Not 4. For many, it was much longer than 2 years
You are still very early on in this process. Even if the affair was 20 years ago, in YOUR world, it just happened. The reality you knew just turned upside down 3 months ago. And 3 weeks ago you learned more hurtful information.
EVERY time new major information is discovered, that clock starts over. And this is something your H needs to understand. Cheating spouses don’t seem to understand this fact. They simply think that they can hide the worst of the worst parts of their behavior forever.
Tim and I disagree on this point, and it’s up to YOU to decide where you fall. However, I am a believer in the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Every last damning detail. Tim believes that you need answers to the most basic questions and then learn to let the rest lie where it may. Both sides have their benefit and downside. For me, it seemed that not getting the whole set of facts meant that they just found their way to the surface at later dates. And the spiral would start again for me. If my H had ripped the band aid off at once, in the beginning, things would have gotten better sooner. The idea of waiting 24 hours to ask a question that you may have had helped a lot of people. It gives you time to decide if you really want to know the answer. For me, it just gave me 24 hours of shaking and not being able to eat and being unbearably sad or angry.
Tim believes that you need to know when the affair began and when it ended, whether protection was always used, and how far things went. For some, that is more than enough. You have to decide why you want to know.
Other than that, these emotional swings are going to last for an interminable amount of time. Or at least it will seem like that in the beginning. It is helpful to set aside 2 nights a week, at this point, and plan on discussing the affairs. A few months from now, you move it to one night a week. After about a year, you can maybe settle for one night a month. Further on, you should be able to talk about major upsets that you have as they occur. By then, they will be less frequent.
His behavior did bring this upon you. You have a right to expect him to deal with it. If he can’t, there is a much higher likelihood of him doing it again. If the two of you are going to survive this together, you both must be in it for the long haul.