I just read this thread today. As I read it, I was thinking "No, no, this exchange is not what No Contact means" Kal, I understand your frustration, but the fact that you were pointing out that you were being a 'victim' of manipulation, told me that you were considering how that brief exchange made you feel more than how it made your BS feel. Especially the comment about "Sorry things didn't work out between us". Ouch! Intuition said it all very eloquently. Read her post again. Scarlett, yes, of course you feel empathy for the AP. As a woman, imagining her pain, so do I. But unfortunately she chose her own path and made her own decisions. It is done. There is no room in reconciliation to express concern for, or give any more time or energy to the AP. Kali if you want to save your marriage, your thoughts, concerns and all your energy will be for your BS. No contact is no contact. Period. Let that be the end of it.
Hey Searching4, welcome to the boards. I'm sorry to see you here... Thank you for your comments. I did indeed read Intuition77 post, but there is something here that I think has been glossed over. I did this, with FULL participation from my wife. In fact, we crafted the response together. I haven't had any contact from the AP since that date, (thank God!) and I know going forward what the planned response is. This is important to note. In this case it wasn't just me verses the AP, it is us (my wife and i) verses her. As a unit, and a family. It's hard to explain about the feeling part. You are double damn straight that I take my wife's feelings into account. There also has to be room for my feelings, and the way through that is to experience them, deal with them, and NOT sweep it under the carpet by just defaulting to taking care of my wife's feelings. When I'm talking about manipulating behaviour, it's from the self reflection I had to figure out what went wrong and how I got there. This is something that I had to do (and advocate to any WS out there) so that I could get to the root of the problem. This way I could GUARANTEE my wife (and myself) that I would never do this again. See, the AP looked at this as a game. I broke it off with her because I couldn't bear to be without my wife in my life. That simply isn't acceptable to the AP because I shouldn't be choosing my wife over her (in the AP mind she is more beautiful, pretty, sexy, etc.) You can fully see it in the comment "Ha ha u think I still want u." that's what I mean about manipulation. Today I have no feeling for the AP left. It's gone. I can focus on who matters, and that is my wife. I know some people will label me as harsh, or narcissistic, but I should have never gone there in the first place. Do I feel for the AP? Sure, but no more than I would if I heard the same happened to the grocery clerk. She chose a married man. She knew fully, going in, that I had a 15 year relationship with someone and didn't care that it was still on before she persued me. THe AP was attempting contact through all avenues. Social media, texting, phone calls, calls from friends numbers, contacting my wife at work, threatening legal action, threatening to "spill all secrets" (not realizing that I have already told my wife the entire gory truth.) So, in this case here, it's not as simple as just "no contact." This woman was legitimately trying to destroy the chance that my marriage would work because she was pissed that I went back to (and chose) my wife. Something had to be done. Again, I want to stress that I did what I did with the FULL consent (and PARTICIPATION) of my wife. We did this together, as a team, like we are supposed to. And to be honest, today my wife is more connected to me than before we had this whole ugly mess. As for the AP, who knows? I haven't heard a peep from her, so I suppose that all the hooks she had on me wore out. She's on to her next target. GOOD ON HER.