Kalmarjan Show full post »
Kalmarjan wrote:
Searching4 wrote:
I just read this thread today. As I read it, I was thinking "No, no, this exchange is not what No Contact means" Kal, I understand your frustration, but the fact that you were pointing out that you were being a 'victim' of manipulation, told me that you were considering how that brief exchange made you feel more than how it made your BS feel. Especially the comment about "Sorry things didn't work out between us". Ouch! Intuition said it all very eloquently. Read her post again. Scarlett, yes, of course you feel empathy for the AP. As a woman, imagining her pain, so do I. But unfortunately she chose her own path and made her own decisions. It is done. There is no room in reconciliation to express concern for, or give any more time or energy to the AP. Kali if you want to save your marriage, your thoughts, concerns and all your energy will be for your BS. No contact is no contact. Period. Let that be the end of it.
Hey Searching4, welcome to the boards. I'm sorry to see you here... Thank you for your comments. I did indeed read Intuition77 post, but there is something here that I think has been glossed over. I did this, with FULL participation from my wife. In fact, we crafted the response together. I haven't had any contact from the AP since that date, (thank God!) and I know going forward what the planned response is. This is important to note. In this case it wasn't just me verses the AP, it is us (my wife and i) verses her. As a unit, and a family. It's hard to explain about the feeling part. You are double damn straight that I take my wife's feelings into account. There also has to be room for my feelings, and the way through that is to experience them, deal with them, and NOT sweep it under the carpet by just defaulting to taking care of my wife's feelings. When I'm talking about manipulating behaviour, it's from the self reflection I had to figure out what went wrong and how I got there. This is something that I had to do (and advocate to any WS out there) so that I could get to the root of the problem. This way I could GUARANTEE my wife (and myself) that I would never do this again. See, the AP looked at this as a game. I broke it off with her because I couldn't bear to be without my wife in my life. That simply isn't acceptable to the AP because I shouldn't be choosing my wife over her (in the AP mind she is more beautiful, pretty, sexy, etc.) You can fully see it in the comment "Ha ha u think I still want u." that's what I mean about manipulation. Today I have no feeling for the AP left. It's gone. I can focus on who matters, and that is my wife. I know some people will label me as harsh, or narcissistic, but I should have never gone there in the first place. Do I feel for the AP? Sure, but no more than I would if I heard the same happened to the grocery clerk. She chose a married man. She knew fully, going in, that I had a 15 year relationship with someone and didn't care that it was still on before she persued me. THe AP was attempting contact through all avenues. Social media, texting, phone calls, calls from friends numbers, contacting my wife at work, threatening legal action, threatening to "spill all secrets" (not realizing that I have already told my wife the entire gory truth.) So, in this case here, it's not as simple as just "no contact." This woman was legitimately trying to destroy the chance that my marriage would work because she was pissed that I went back to (and chose) my wife. Something had to be done. Again, I want to stress that I did what I did with the FULL consent (and PARTICIPATION) of my wife. We did this together, as a team, like we are supposed to. And to be honest, today my wife is more connected to me than before we had this whole ugly mess. As for the AP, who knows? I haven't heard a peep from her, so I suppose that all the hooks she had on me wore out. She's on to her next target. GOOD ON HER.

I should say here that when I pointed that out to Kal, it was to offer my honest opinion on how I as a BS felt, and that I didnt know he meant his wife and he had worked that response out together-that wasnt in his original post I dont believe (I think he may have inferred it but I missed it) so I didnt know that when I offered that opinion. And Ill be honest when reading his original post about this contact with the AP I did see some red flags because I hadnt seen the part about his wife being involved in the decision/situation and I thought he had previously said he had blocked the AP from texting him-so I was under the impression he was maybe slipping back into contact or unblocking the AP and was trying to offer a viewpoint that pointed back to his wife & marriage. Everyone is different. I do still stand with ME, I would have personally still hated that sentence in a text where sarcasm isnt apparent and most likely had been really ticked and insulted by it, but Im me, Im not Kals wife. I was pointing it out mainly because when viewed as without his wifes participation (which is how I was reading it) it seemed hurtful.
Quote 1 0
More often than not I write my posts here off the cuff. I did not make it clear that I had the participation of my wife in this.
Intuition77 original answer prompted me to ask my wife if she felt the same way from my use of language to the AP. Thankfully, she didn't hold the same hurt from it.
Tim T makes a good point. So does Intuition77. The affair is a breach of that partnership so it makes sense that a WS and a BS should work together to fix this.
In all of this I have learned that while a BS may feel that the WS should work through all this by themselves, (and hey, their feelings are justified!) working together as a team will bring better results.
A friend of mine back home (I dated her in high school) went through this with her husband too. Almost exactly the same situation as ours. They worked together to get through this too. It wasn't until they put their heads together that they finally disconnected the AP influence in the WS.
Quote 2 0