Lookingahead Show full post »
Well, I survived. We went out to dinner over the weekend to celebrate and it was truly a lovely evening. Unfortunately, I had three different trigger dates last week so while trying to figure out our anniversary, stay in the moment and be as happy as I know I deserve to be, I was simmering underneath which led to quite a bit of fighting each night. We were both so exhausted that we took Monday off just to regroup and it was good that we did as we've been more peaceful since. It took a lot for me to say Happy Anniversary, but I did and while hard I believe it's still a day to recognize. The vows have been broken for sure, but we are building a new marriage that I have great hope for. 
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Allthatremains wrote:

So for those that have gone back why did you - didn't you deserve more, didn't you deserve to be with someone that put you first, that 'did no harm' and can be a honest and faithful living spouse?

For those that left - are you happier now that you did?

What makes betrayed spouses stay? In the same way the unfaithful spouse gave themselves permission to hurt us, why do we give ourselves permission to stay with someone who hurt us?

Any ideas - are we all just foolish, if you stayed why was the true catalyst that helped you over the hump?

Anyone listening  - how many of you did marriage counseling and if so what month after DDay did you start? Anyone survive this without counseling?


First, I didn't go back. He came back to me the day after d-day ready to work. Yes, I did deserve a faithful spouse, but he wasn't and there is nothing we can do to change the past. All we can do is focus on the here and now as well as our future together. I know the risk, but I also recognize the reward of all this hard work and healing. 

What made me willing to try was my husband's immediate remorse, shame and obvious desire to be with me. Since day 1 he has always stated that even if we don't end up together because I choose at any time I just can't do it that his primary goal is to help me heal from the pain he caused me. 

You ask "why do we give ourselves permission to stay with someone who hurt us?" and to that I say that I actually have given myself permission to find my happiness with or without my husband. In my case, both my husband and I are willing to do the work it takes to heal and I pray that we come through this stronger than ever. 

The catalyst - I don't believe it has been one single thing, but more on a combination of things. All he has done since coming home to change himself to be a better husband, father and friend, the work we've done to understand why he did what he did and his complete remorse are all examples. 

Marriage counseling - Yes, we started as soon as we found a counselor that specialized in infidelity. My husband also found a psychologist that specializes in all that he needs for his IC. We are just over 10 months from d-day and still in counseling together and individually. I believe we will be for a long time going forward as well. I know the frequency will change, but neither of us have any intention to stop anytime soon. 

I hope these responses help you.
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I'm glad your anniversary went okay, Lookingahead. I was wondering..

I wanted to answer these questions from All that remains, but frankly, I have to be in the right mood to give fully truthful answers. Today isn't that day! Ha! However, I think Lookingahead's answers are basically the same as mine would be.

What the heck, here goes: A lot has to do with my husband's demeanor since Dday, efforts, words, etc. He never left. I never left. But, he left me in the ways that matter to me most, I think. 

My kids and my desire to spare them any unrest or distrust of him, if possible. I decided to bear the brunt of this trouble and keep it secret (somewhat) even if just from them. It's an adult issue. Kids shouldn't be brought into it unless it's absolutely unavoidable, in my opinion.

Also, I don't take my vows lightly. I said "for better or worse" and said I'd do those things absolutely, not "if" he treated me a certain way. Also, I'm not sure any of us get what we DESERVE. And most of the time, that's probably a good thing! None of us deserved to be cheated on. Our spouses acted dishonorably toward us and our children with their behavior. It is not justified in any case I can think of.
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DorothyJane7 wrote:
Also, I don't take my vows lightly. I said "for better or worse" and said I'd do those things absolutely, not "if" he treated me a certain way. 

I really relate to this. In fact my husband often acknowledges that he broke our vows and I kept them and how ashamed that at the end of his life he will never proudly be able to say he was always faithful to me. 
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I have kept my vows, but I don’t the feel bound by them anymore.  My wife killed that marriage when she had her affair. When that marriage died, so did my vows.  Better or worse, yes. Better or betrayal, abuse, etc, NO.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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