Intuition77
Sigh. I haven't been on here much our own little story took a turn for the worse. My husband is as I've posted before an alcoholic. He hadn't drank much if it all in years. After dday he started back up and it got progressively worse the last few months. Makes things so much harder when Infidelity is already so difficult. No one does denial and justifying quite as good as an addict! Basically recently his drinking created series of events that landed in him in the hospital for several days. I truly hoped it would be his wake up call.

I didn't rescue. Yet things we're so dire I felt a need to push somewhat only in I insisted on stating facts and not "allowing" him
To minimize the problem and opened up to several family members who we're not aware how serious it had become. I felt that was necessary so they we're aware if they we're enabling him. Like the fact of the sheer amount of money he was spending on alcohol each week. He was so good at denials that for awhile before this I started to actually believe he maybe wasn't drinking as much as I had thought. He was actually convincing me of his denials and excuses. And as always my intuition was actually spot on. For once he faced that and did not try to minimize or deny it. I was hopeful.

Did remind him I wasn't punishing or shaming but simply refusing to play along with the denials and doing what I felt needed to be done to simply not help enable him. (Still not sure if that was all right. Was difficult to determine fixing vs true need for assistance in such a situation. In the end decided that I would go to those lengths for anyone I cared for & felt their life was in danger)

He did finally sign up for rehab. Hasn't started yet. That scares me. I am afraid he won't go or stay. As always can't make them Help themselves. That's hard. It's hard to watch. Almost immediately rationalizing minimizing and denials started. I'll start therapy after I take care of this, I'll do this one day etc. I will say I saw more emotion In him then I have in months. Still
Hasn't called about therapy though. This is where it gets very hard because the addiction has such a hold and basis in denials. It's like denial & avoidance IS his normal. We talked more then we had in months and he spent time with the children and seemed to be opening up. He seemed to be more willing to see things realistically and some Issues in himself.

This is where my codependency rears it's ugly head. I start to express myself because after months of him not being open to hear it I needed it. Then I start to question is this gonna force him back into denials or hiding. Which I know is his issue & not my responsibility. He needs to be grown enough to want to change and deal with his issues. My feelings can't "make"
Him drink. Or make him deny or hide. He chooses to do that. Yet that fear is there. If I open up about my feelings is he gonna hide from it in a bottle? Trying to honor myself and my needs and let him handle his own issues.

Yet sure enough that's exactly what happened he started to hide behind walls. After a few days of being open and listening he starts to shut down and defend and justify and refuse to listen. Hasn't drank again that I know of. But the system of walls and hiding and not dealing is building itself back up. The good news for me? I was able to express myself and not be angry or explosive. Just open. I was able to admit I feel much resentment & not in an angry way just matter of fact. that him going to rehab as much as I want that and know he needs it gives me a feeling of oh here I am over here left alone to deal with all the mess left behind. Like when will my feelings and needs and what I've dealt with be important? When does my healing become the focus? There's a definite feeling of hey remember me? The one who didn't choose any of this? Who was honest and faithful,Yet struggled alone for months now with all of your choices and the kids and the financial responsibilities and here I still am holding strong with no help with my healing. Am I expected to just take it and take it and keep taking it? Why am I expected to be the strong one? Etc.

But I was able to adequately express and own those feelings and face my own guilt about them and see that I shouldn't feel guilty at all. Those feelings are normal.

And then today the full wall was back in full force. With a very angry (yet he still denies any anger even when it's obvious) "well you keep saying this marriage the way it is now isn't a marriage you want so I guess that's it" after talking about how he wants to learn to change make a better marriage etc. It's just more avoidance of blame and responsibility. I have to admit I had allowed myself some hope after months of being sure of a divorce. I had thought this is it he truly wants to change when his actions we're more open and honest. And then smack back into the wall of shame and denial. He's right. This marriage now isn't anything I want. And at least now compared to 8 months ago I'm Ok with that. 8 months ago I needed him to change because I wanted the marriage So badly. Now I only want the marriage if it's worth going back to. And he has to make that happen & I see right now he's not able or willing to. I don't know when I'll stop being open to it at all. I have a feeling the one year mark,which isn't that far off will be a sort of deadline for me.

So it is a better place for me but still hard. The weekend brought an onslaught of situations where marriage was talked about, long term married couples we're witnessed (our own anniversary is soon) & my first public meeting with someone who (Insensitively) pounced "so I hear your single now!" Like it was some wonderful statement and not a loss.

So that's my story this week! Lol feels good to vent it out!
Quote 0 0
TimT
Intuition77 wrote:
I have to admit I had allowed myself some hope after months of being sure of a divorce. I had thought this is it he truly wants to change when his actions we're more open and honest. And then smack back into the wall of shame and denial. He's right. This marriage now isn't anything I want. And at least now compared to 8 months ago I'm Ok with that. 8 months ago I needed him to change because I wanted the marriage So badly. Now I only want the marriage if it's worth going back to. And he has to make that happen & I see right now he's not able or willing to. I don't know when I'll stop being open to it at all. I have a feeling the one year mark,which isn't that far off will be a sort of deadline for me. 

Trying to recover from an affair is difficult enough. Throwing in an addiction issue compounds the issue. I think there are some in this forum who can better speak from that perspective, but from a counselor's point of view I know that healthy affair recovery work is almost impossible if the addict isn't willing to address that issue. 

I'm sorry this has been such a crazy rough time for you, Intuition77. The fact that you've drawn a line in the sand is good, I think. We'll be encouraging you (and hoping for better things) along the way.
Quote 0 0
HonestWife
My husband is an alcoholic too. All the years of his affairs, he was lying about being sober too. Even went to aa but lied to them too. I highly recommend Alanon and the book Codependent no more.

There can be no intimacy or growth while addiction is still active. Might as well talk to a wall. If you get well then you can decide what you will live with and wont live with. I hope your husband goes to treatment. But if he doesn't , I would still go to Alanon. K
Trying to make marriage work after my husband's 15 years of affairs. Just found out. Currently in house separation.
Quote 0 0
Intuition77
HonestWife wrote:
My husband is an alcoholic too. All the years of his affairs, he was lying about being sober too. Even went to aa but lied to them too. I highly recommend Alanon and the book Codependent no more.

There can be no intimacy or growth while addiction is still active. Might as well talk to a wall. If you get well then you can decide what you will live with and wont live with. I hope your husband goes to treatment. But if he doesn't , I would still go to Alanon. K



Thank you both. Got the book and read it months ago and reread it often as it takes awhile to change those habits still haven't gone to a meeting yet (the only one open for non members near me is a bit far so I keep putting it off) your both right. The affair simply follows the same denial methods as the addiction and unless they want to change that it won't happen.

Things actually pushed my line shortly after I posted. This was day 2 of promising to but not seeing the kids. So he stuck by his word for a whole whopping 3 days in a row. [frown] and then the icing on the cAke was when discussing blame and denial he came right out and said I do blame you for me ending up in the hospital it was entirely your fault. :0 an hour later followed with I didn't mean that. Also got caught in another lie after swearing to wanting to be honest and his response to getting caught was basically I shouldn't have been checking his story. But that's what he does goes back and forth and talks in absolute nonsense to where I don't know what he actually truly believes.

I can't do it anymore. I've been through enough and I've gotten no care for my hurt. I can honestly say i tried and tried my hardest. A year doesn't need to come. I'm
Just done. I don't want a marriage of don't ask don't tell. That's not real or love. I just can't take anymore of his craziness
Lies or deep issues he doesn't care to even acknowledge. I'm just focusing on me and when I can afford it the divorce will be filed. Sad but accepting.

Thank you for the support.
Quote 0 0
Anna26
Oh...Intuition, my heart goes out to you right now, I'm so sorry that you are going through such a terrible time and that things seem to be heading backwards instead of forwards.
I can understand why you feel you have now come to the point that enough is enough.  My own situation seems nowhere near as difficult as yours right now, so I am focusing on me, but I feel that is because he isn't living with me and we don't have as much interaction at the moment. But I know I will be facing some very difficult times ahead, whether he comes back home or not.

I'm trying to find the right things to say to you, but I'm probably making a real pig's ear of it, and maybe there is no right thing anyway, but I feel that only you know how much you can take, only you can decide what is the best future for yourself and your children. 

Stay strong, the support of this community is here whenever when you need it...
Quote 0 0
Intuition77
Thank you anna. We've been separated since about a week after dday. The new lies I discovered though I suppose small in some ways are huge to me because they consist of things even before the affair. Which his opinion is they aren't a big deal because "nothing was going on". Yes that's reassuring from the liar and cheater.

Basically I discovered that he had been "friends" via phone and text with other female coworkers prior to the affair. I do not believe actual cheating went on & pre-affair I wouldn't have minded just friends really as I trusted him but it's the fact that he lied and hid it even then. So extreme we're the lies that these same coworkers he talked about how he hated them & complained at home
Constantly. So to me I feel like my marriage was just one big lie! That's a double life. How are you friends with people you rip apart at home? All just to cover your own tracks and guilt of conversing with them frequently? How does a person have "friends" & yet never share that with their spouse? I feel like I never really knew him. That's hardest for me now. This new reality of my marriage was filled with lies & he was never who I thought he was.

Also he was claiming the new emotional Affair never got inappropriate & pretended to end it via text when she replied "your the one who made it inappropriate to begin with" which when asked about he simply said you don't need to know anything. So yeah. He doesn't need to be my husband anymore.

He does nothing to hold his own standards. Everything is just a lie to get out of another lie and so on. And each lie is blamed on someone else or a situation. He just can't own who he is or what he does. And someone like that doesn't change. If he had owned it all and been honest all along the affair would prob have never happened. He was lying and hiding and allowed it in. To me if you lose your marriage wife kids hurt them horribly and that STILL doesn't sink in or move you to personal change or honesty well then your just never gonna get it. No need for me to hold out hope or subject myself to anymore.

Personally I'm focusing on getting out meeting new people, as all the married friends we had are hard for me to be around right now honestly and just taking care of my kids and looking into furthering my education. And just back to no contact with him for my own sanity.

Quote 0 0
Anna26
Intuition77 wrote:


To me if you lose your marriage wife kids hurt them horribly and that STILL doesn't sink in or move you to personal change or honesty well then your just never gonna get it. No need for me to hold out hope or subject myself to anymore. Personally I'm focusing on getting out meeting new people, as all the married friends we had are hard for me to be around right now honestly and just taking care of my kids and looking into furthering my education. And just back to no contact with him for my own sanity.



I hear you Intuition, and agree that the one thing that you would think would move him to change is the loss of everything he holds dear. 
Sometimes people can't see how much they are going to lose until it's gone and I suspect TimeToFly will have plenty to say on that subject too! 

I think it will help you to cultivate a new circle of friends and furthering your education is probably a great way of doing that too.  It's really hard when 'your' friends are almost split between you both, or feel awkward being around you and that makes you feel awkward with them in turn.  I only have a couple of good friends that are close to me and that I know will always be there for me , whatever, and the rest are people that we both know, and already I feel that if our marriage were to end there would be no need for contact with some of these people.

Keep focusing on yourself and your children,  I feel that you will find the strength and positivity you need there to give yourself a better future, wherever that is and whoever that may be with.
Quote 0 0
TimeToFly
Anna26 wrote:
Intuition77 wrote:


To me if you lose your marriage wife kids hurt them horribly and that STILL doesn't sink in or move you to personal change or honesty well then your just never gonna get it. No need for me to hold out hope or subject myself to anymore. Personally I'm focusing on getting out meeting new people, as all the married friends we had are hard for me to be around right now honestly and just taking care of my kids and looking into furthering my education. And just back to no contact with him for my own sanity.



I hear you Intuition, and agree that the one thing that you would think would move him to change is the loss of everything he holds dear. 
Sometimes people can't see how much they are going to lose until it's gone and I suspect TimeToFly will have plenty to say on that subject too! 

I think it will help you to cultivate a new circle of friends and furthering your education is probably a great way of doing that too.  It's really hard when 'your' friends are almost split between you both, or feel awkward being around you and that makes you feel awkward with them in turn.  I only have a couple of good friends that are close to me and that I know will always be there for me , whatever, and the rest are people that we both know, and already I feel that if our marriage were to end there would be no need for contact with some of these people.

Keep focusing on yourself and your children,  I feel that you will find the strength and positivity you need there to give yourself a better future, wherever that is and whoever that may be with.


Hi Intuition, I'm so sorry for everything you are going through right now. I really know how you feel & where you are is not an easy place to be. I certainly do have plenty to say (I'll try & keep it brief!) when it comes to "losing everything" since my ex was willing to do just that...lose it all for the sake of this affair. He has lost so much...our marriage, our son (their relationship is so tense), our home (I'm living in it, not him), our dog, family & friends & so much more. I have never been able to understand how he could want to lose all those things for an affair...now relationship with her & perhaps one day he will realize exactly what is gone from his life. I would have never thought he could have walked away from it all but I guess the pull from her was incredibly strong. 

However I admire you for already starting to focus on other things like furthering your education. This will be a step in the right direction & perhaps open new doors for you. I know your children will also play a part in the different directions that you take. 

There will be a lot of hurdles to overcome & divorce is not an easy process but at least you know what you need to do & that's an important step & choice for your future. Remember there are plenty of people here to help you in whatever way we can. Continue to reach for that support. I'll be thinking of you. 
Quote 0 0
EAM
"It's like denial & avoidance IS his normal."

I'm a cheater and an addict working to re-build my life and marriage- this comment was a mirror, helping me to see myself today as my spouse sees me. Thank you.

Quote 0 0