UrbanExplorer
This article resonated with me as I closed the door on my affair. It could also apply to a marriage or any other relationship in which you are not your best self.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10615/how-to-end-an-unhealthy-relationship.html
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Negarcia
UrbanExplorer wrote:
This article resonated with me as I closed the door on my affair. It could also apply to a marriage or any other relationship in which you are not your best self.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10615/how-to-end-an-unhealthy-relationship.html

Urban this is a great article. I guess in reading it one of my fears is that my husband will decide to say goodbye to our relationship even though it wasn't bad.

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Guiltguilt
The sad part is that I think that's what WSs go half way through before numbing it with an affair, rather than dealing with it properly. Stoicism doesn't work.
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TimT
I like the quick points made in this article and it would seem to especially apply to an established pattern in a relationship. On the other side of an affair, the relationship between the BS and WS will be characterized by an extended period of uncertainty and strife, so it would be important to consider that when applying this step: "It's time [to end the relationship] when the majority of interactions feel hurtful, and little or no change seems to be in sight." That would be the normal experience of many couples for a while, at least.

In some situations, the betrayed spouse may see "little or no change" in sight, especially if the affair was discovered, not disclosed. I agree, though, that if there is going to be a reasonable expectation for the return of connection and trust, that has to change. If not, the healthy choice may be to follow the steps of ending the relationship just as the article's author indicates.

UE: Your application to the affair relationship makes sense. I'm glad it helped you take steps in that regard.
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DestroyedDani


In some situations, the betrayed spouse may see "little or no change" in sight, especially if the affair was discovered, not disclosed. I agree, though, that if there is going to be a reasonable expectation for the return of connection and trust, that has to change. If not, the healthy choice may be to follow the steps of ending the relationship just as the article's author indicates.

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I think this is where I fall into and am stuck here.

D Day was 7 months ago, I found out about my husbands affair via email from the OW's husband and for the first week after I received that email my husband adamantly denied it, several times looking me square in the eye and saying no. Finally after 7 days of my totally falling a part, and the undeniable evidence, my husband came clean. 

I feel that this initial stage of him denying it and looking me dead in the eye and lying to me has made it VERY difficult for me to move past. There has been little to no change in my husbands behavior since, and it would be hard for me to tell because the affair came and went with me completely unaware, the OW's husband emailed me about a month after the A ended. Although, he says he has been completely honest with me since and he has given me full access to everything, I resent the fact that I now have to play police officer and I feel that the burden of recovery completely rests on my shoulders. It is like we just stepped right back into the daily routine without much change except my husband says that he is talking to me more and that he is more open about his feelings with me. From my perspective, I thought he was always open and honest with me and although he says he is now, for me it feels exactly as things were before. How do I know or see the changes in him under these circumstances?

I have read so much about affair recovery and I am unsure whether I am capable of recovery while remaining with my husband. Every time he kisses me, my mind wonders how he kissed her... Every time he sends me cute little text messages, they no longer feel special as I know he sent her similar texts... Every time he tells me I am sexy or beautiful, I feel it is a lie.

I know that this far out I should not have as much anger and hurt as I do and I just wonder if leaving would be best for everybody involved. How can I make myself better if everyday I face the reason why I feel like such a failure? Yes, I do have my own issues in life, huge abandonment issues, which is why I have always asked my husband to never cheat, I just cannot cope with it. This has affected every aspect of my life. I cannot concentrate at work any longer and feel that I am going to be fired soon. My teenage daughter is acting out and I am at a loss of how to cope let alone deal with her (Not my husband and I's child and thank God she is with her dad for the week so I can try to think rationally of how to deal with her.)

I have never experienced anything so devastating in my life. I feel I have nothing left to believe in anymore. I wish I could say that I am making progress at this point but I am not and at times I feel I am only getting worse. I know that initially your not supposed to make any decisions but at what point do you? I know that the depression, hurt, and anger I am still feeling is hurting my husband and I feel that he may perceive it as me punishing him, I do not want to hurt him.

Any advice from those that are still together and trying to work things out that can help would be greatly appreciated.
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