Scarlett
Well things have certainly taken a turn with x-MM. I have shared before OM is an elected official and he has resorted to smear attacks on me in order to protect his position. I am now having to hire an attorney to protect myself and reputation. This is certainly not something I want to get out, but I have gotten to the point where I would rather stand by my own truth than allow lies to be spread about me.  He is doing all he can to keep from standing on his own truth.

I am torn with the option of spending thousands of dollars and dragging my family through the mud, or continuing to let this man have control over my life by affecting my reputation, job and future. I understand consequences, but I'm thinking this is beyond fair on my part. He continues to remain in a power position, intimidate me, tell lies about me and still gets a pass from his wife, family and friends. Watching his constituents call him honest and ethical is more than I can handle. 

Please no attacking me here. I understand what I got myself into and have accepted full responsibility. Just wondering when enough is enough.

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Kalmarjan
Scarlet,

Honestly, I side with you here. I'm not sure what I'd do in your position, but then again, I've been known to be a vindictive prick when pushed.

For instance, I'm sure you have proof of your affair? If so, then you have leverage. If he were on my case, I'd remind the asshat that he has just as much, if not more to lose than you do.

What does your husband have to say about all of this? How can you guys, as a team, mitigate this?

Once again, he is a public official? I'd work with my spouse and make him very, very uncomfortable at the notion of ever bringing up my name again.

Not sure if that helps, but TL;DR... Leverage. Get it, Nd use it.
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Scarlett
With the NC in place on both our sides, I have been unable to discuss with my AP, and my H is unwilling to see the importance of me reaching out. 

Just since this post yesterday things have escalated and I will be having to use my leverage. 
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Scarlett
I sense your bitterness in your posts. My husband is very supportive in aggressively fighting the defamation of character. No matter what happened, it is never appropriate to spread false information about someone to purposely ruin someones reputation and career in order to protect your own. There are laws to support that.

And I'm really confused here. This was not a one sided relationship. He shares equal responsibility in what he did to his wife and family. The apology to his family is on him. Why does society give a pass to the man and only attack the woman? 


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Robin1971
I don't believe society gives a pass to any one side of an affair, you chose to step out on your husband and you don't like what is being thrown at you now. Such a shame, you are being tormented, maybe the way your husband feels tormented?!!?

In my case my family has been put thru hell from my selfish husbands actions, not sure if I have to hire a divorce lawyer yet or not, but if I do I'm sure he will turn things around on me, WHY, I did nothing wrong, his family blames me for his affair REALLY???

You chose to drag your family thru the mud one way or another, it just so happened you had an affair with an elected official, no ones fault but your own, your choice. I'm sure you are a smart person and didn't really think this affair was going to end well now did you? You are not a victim! Don't act like one. You are concerned about your reputation and character NOW? It's a little late for that. Now it's definitely not fair to your family, but nothing you did was fair to your family so yes it sucks for them, and you should worry about protecting them but it's kinda hard now since you didn't protect them while cheating.

Listen, this is straight up advice. Not attacking, these are consequences for all people having affairs. And WE ( BS) are the ones who get screwed, WE are the victims! Not YOU
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Scarlett
The difference is he is spreading lies, not truth. I have no problem standing behind the truth and what really happened, but he is making up lies which does fall under defamation of character laws. You can play the blame game all you want, but the law is the law.
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Anna26
Can I just say that the WS's who contribute to this community are surely here because they want to be, they've realised the mistake they have made and are deeply remorseful about it, otherwise they wouldn't be here.

Yes, they are the ones who have given BS's like myself a whole heap of pain and anguish to deal with, but that doesn't mean they are not suffering or haven't suffered too. 

I may not particularly like my husband's AP, in fact, in my darker moments I could slap her silly, but, just like I do with my husband, I can have empathy for what she feels too.  I'ts my view that empathy is on the route to forgiveness, because without forgiveness, none of us can move on. At the end of the day, people are only human, and have feelings just like anyone else.

It seems to me that some of the WS's on here are used as whipping boys for the anger and frustration of BS's that are rightfully having a hard time.  Maybe that's because there is no outlet or access to the AP concerned in each individuals marriage.

I hope I'm making sense here, because I'm not trying to take sides, just trying to point out that everyone has a right to a form of respect, whoever they are, after all, we all need help within this community. I can see things could get a little heated again before long, please lets try and work together and not let our own frustrations run away with us.
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Kalmarjan
Anna,
You make sense. I can take a whipping, cause no one here can be harder on me than I am on myself.

Scarlett... Yep. You are knee deep in it. My advice is get you to a lawyer and proceed with action against your defamation. I'm sure that the matter will be resolved quickly because the last thing a public official wants is this dirty laundry out there.

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Scarlett
Thank you Anna and Kal. Legal issues and restraining orders seem to be common after affairs. My IC explained it really is no different than the bitter divorce cases she sees.  

I have already hired an attorney.  Basically if I don't put a stop to this, my family will have to move. That would cause even more distress on my family. The most important thing to note is my husband is 100% behind me on this. 
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Scarlett
The legal battle is almost over, but I was very surprised at the outcome from the deposition. It did give me some closure and much needed answers from the affair.  He did talk about his true feelings, his efforts to leave his wife and his missing me after it was over. While this may be painful for BS's to hear, it does answer the question of whether or not the WS think's about the AP.

One thing that did become clear is the cognitive dissonance he has been using since the end of the affair which my IC suspected. Since Dday he has created a false narrative in his head about me and believed very strange things that are not consistent with the person I am. While talking about the affair, he was very candid and soft, but when he talked about post affair, he was very angry, jumping all over the place and presented no facts to support his beliefs. It was all very odd. During this time he said hurtful things to me, but he appeared to be a very broken man who has not really dealt with the affair. He admitted he has not gone to any IC or MC, and this is another answer to what can happen when a WS does not get help.

The whole case was about protecting my name and reputation from false allegations he was spreading about me, but I'm so torn between wanting him to know the truth, or not saying anything because I don't know if I can really change the way he thinks. I don't want him to remember me with these false images, but I may have to accept that's the way it will be. All I really wanted was to make peace and walk away feeling good about the directions we are both going in and wish happiness on each other. 

Something that did surprise me is that I can honestly say I can now forgive him for how he has hurt me and I do wish the best for him and his wife. I'm sure BS's (and some WS's) will not feel that matters, but I think it is an important step for the WS in healing themselves so they can be healthy working towards recovery.
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Anna26
I can see that your ex AP must be feeling really foolish and ashamed after the affair.  I think my husband feels the same way, but he doesn't try to attach blame for it to me.  What I mean by this is that it sounds like your ex Ap is trying to justify the reasons why he had the affair with you. It wasn't his fault, it was you, you dragged him kicking and screaming into it didn't you?  It was all your fault, how could you do that to him?  You took advantage of his weaknesses...you wicked woman!!  Yes, I'm being facetious but that's what I can see because he will never feel better unless he is able to pile all his burden squarely on your shoulders. 
Most of all I think he's angry with himself and not with you because he let himself down.  He needs to let it go and learn to forgive - himself most of all!

You sound like you are feeling a bit more settled.  I'm glad things are becoming better for you [smile]
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Scarlett
Well I think he's forgiven himself because he said his wife forgave him right away. When a wife does that, it doesn't really make the man want to work on himself. 
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Anna26
Scarlett wrote:
Well I think he's forgiven himself because he said his wife forgave him right away. When a wife does that, it doesn't really make the man want to work on himself. 



I don't know if you can forgive someone straight away.  Feels like it would be empty words to me, just one of those things you say on the spur of the moment.  How could you possibly be thinking about forgiveness when your mind in is such turmoil?  I know I couldn't, I think forgiveness is what comes when you have made peace with what is going on in your head, both for yourself and the other person. Maybe it takes someone with a very strong character and a strong sense of faith and trust to do that.

I agree though, 'instant forgiveness maybe wouldn't help the person concerned to work at things more, but it sounds like he's still battling his demons to me, despite what she has said.  Hearing those words maybe eases things, but I know it would be a long time before my husband stopped beating himself with his big stick of shame, though we are all different in this respect.
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