BlindCheetah
When H reacts badly to something I’m upset about especially him breaking no contact, numbness is gradually replacing the pain. I’m afraid that by the time he really gets it and can be who I need him to be I won’t care anymore. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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Blessedby7
This is how I'm feeling. He's continuing to try so hard in his own way, but the more I tell him we need professional help, and I need the whole story, and the more he ignores it, the more numb I get. We're coming up on two years, and I'm just starting to look for a way out. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
It is a very real possibility.  I would suggest trying to explain it to your husband.  Whether he can take it in and synthesize it, remains to be seen.  But I could not connect to my loving feelings (or really any feelings) for my husband after his one stupid lapse I shared earlier.  At one point when we were talking, I looked at him and said something very similar to what you wrote.  

Beyond just worrying that his growth would take far longer than my patience, I worried that one day, years after everyone, including he and I, thought everything was great, I'd discover him lying about something relatively inconsequential and I would just be done.  No fuss, no muss, just done. 

That is how it can sometimes be for me.  I will fight tooth and nail to rebuild a relationship (friendship, relative, whatever...) but if later they do even a tiny bit of that same behavior, I am done.  A switch is flipped and I am just stop caring or wanting to lift a finger to try.  Luckily, my husband has seen this happen firsthand, so he believed me and realized that if he lied about anything again, he was likely coming home to his stuff in neat, labeled boxes.  Because I wouldn't even be mad at that point, just finished.  Hopefully, your husband will be able to :get it too" though he seems a little slow on the uptake.  Still a bit too mired in the noise in his own head to listen to yours... 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah



Beyond just worrying that his growth would take far longer than my patience, I worried that one day, years after everyone, including he and I, thought everything was great, I'd discover him lying about something relatively inconsequential and I would just be done.  No fuss, no muss, just done. 




I’ve hit that point in other relationships. I’m recognizing the early signs.  When I bring up the way his reactions effect me he suggests I try a different way of bringing it up like mentioning something positive first. Um, like I decided to give you a chance to explain this before calling a lawyer? I’m pretty sure that’s not what he was thinking but it’s the alternative that popped into my head first when I found he’d been talking to her. I have been trying to get him to listen to Soar Above for a while, his response to me being upset is NOT my responsibility. Numb isn’t where I want to go but it’s a lot easier than pain. 

The 2 day tantrum was bad but, when it was over and the email telling her to stop trying to contact him was sent it was pretty obvious she was going to respond. I asked him to tell me if she did by any means, he promised he would then, when it came he just deleted it without a word to me. Her response was obviously intended for me to see and do as much damage as possible. She won only because he hid it.

He’s been super cuddly lately, finally to the level I’ve been craving and something is missing. I think another thing I need to bring up is just because we’re still having sex doesn’t mean I’m OK, lately it’s more trying to feel something other than pain. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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ThrivenotSurvive
I bet something is missing.  You've got a foot out the door.  I get it.  So did I for a while. 

This wasn't a small misstep.  He literally took one mistake, made into into a larger one and then reacted poorly to you questioning it.  It was a colossal failure of fairly epic proportions whether he is too stupid/to blind to see it.  Right now, you are (rightfully) questioning whether he has the willingness or even the capacity to be truly honest.  Just as I did with my husband.  If I remember correctly, after he was finally able to get me to give it another try, I was so unsure that it was the first time I used Keepabuzz's "6 months at a time" trick.  

This is a pivotal time.  If he makes another misstep I don't believe your heart will stay open (nor do I think it should).  Or it may be the moment he finally "gets" it.  Stop asking about him listening to the book.  Tell him it is something you need to feel safe and to give you hope that you can move forward.  Tell him that you need him to allot one hour every three days (or whatever works for you) to listening with you.  Tell him he can pick the time, but it needs to be like an important appointment - no cancelling unless the house is burning down.  

I had to do this with my husband a couple times.  He agreed but his body language told me an internal battle was raging between the rebellious part that didn't like being told what to do and the part that wanted me to stay and be with him.  I was okay with that, because I needed to know which part was going to win.  In the past it was the rebellious part, and if was going to stay that way, we needed to part ways.  I was tired of being with man with the emotional maturity of a rebellious child/teenager.  I wanted an adult, and he was either going to grow into one, or we were done.  No other options were available for me to live happily.

After listening to some he finally began to realize that the books I was asking him to listen to weren't about infidelity and what a bad guy he was, but about how people and emotions worked.  He stopped resisting.  He never got excited (I love reading about stuff like that - he sees it as about as interesting as reading a manual or recipe.  Necessary, maybe even important but NOT exciting.) Regardless, he relaxed into it and I've heard him sharing with other people some of the things he learned so clearly it made an impact...
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah

He recently suggested scheduling a time to talk so I’ll make that a priority. He agreed to listen to the book, I think he’ll handle the dry delivery better than I did. 

We’ve had a lot of distraction lately making it hard to find time to really talk. We’re visiting his stepmom now I think we need to make time for a kid free walk while we’re here. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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BlindCheetah
Blessedby7 wrote:
This is how I'm feeling. He's continuing to try so hard in his own way, but the more I tell him we need professional help, and I need the whole story, and the more he ignores it, the more numb I get. We're coming up on two years, and I'm just starting to look for a way out. 


If it happened before December I don’t want any more detail unless there is something he lied about or gave me an incomplete answer to. I have more questions about the communication after December. Her messages  where getting more hostile leaving me wondering what he did or said to make her feel so entitled to his attention. I really hope he takes this round of counseling seriously this time. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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ThrivenotSurvive
BlindCheetah - 

She may have just gotten angry the longer time went by without him contacting her.  I can only imagine how upsetting it is to go from thinking ou are so special that someone will risk their whole world for you to being dropped like a bad habit. 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah

BlindCheetah - 

She may have just gotten angry the longer time went by without him contacting her.  I can only imagine how upsetting it is to go from thinking ou are so special that someone will risk their whole world for you to being dropped like a bad habit. 


That’s exactly what it looks like, of course if he’d actually stopped talking to her in December she could have thrown her fit a lot sooner and we would be in a better place right now. 

A bad habit is an accurate description but, a little too kind for my taste. I still haven’t found the perfect word yet. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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