The onus of cheating is strictly on the WS. Cheating is the effect of the marital breakdown. (cause)
Contributions to the Marital breakdown: poor communication, insecurity, immaturity, narcissism, and on and on...
if both partners were giving 100 equally then there would be no cheating...but as probably has happened, as in many of our cases, some were giving more than 100 and the other partner was taking the excesses without any reciprocity.
I own nothing of the cheating, but if problems existed in the marriage, I was more than willing to address them. However, I lived with a man that thought the repetitious nature of the problems was too much work, and seemed to require extra effort to address the issues and to potentially come to some sort of an agreement about many of them. Many issues were ignored, debunked, dismissed, or ridiculed. My WS not only had an affair but was also quite active in his participation on Ashley Madison...not my fault...
The betrayal, the lies, the cheating, the blaming and the deflecting- were not caused by me...they were decisions and or responses ,my WS decided to do versus counseling, talking, honesty, and openness...
His Needs Her Needs is a great tool...I read it back in 2002 and attempted to share it with my spouse. I did the work necessary to attempt to affair proof my marriage, however, I can not fix a person that is broken...I cannot own his brokenness...I was willing at every turn to meet the shortcomings of our marriage...and alas, the perceived work of a marriage- our marriage- was just to burdensome for my WS. I lead him to the water, but I was unable to make him drink or even assist him with the drinking.
As others have stated, we both were in a broken marriage, but only one of us was willing to pursue options that would severely and negatively impact the other partner - should they find out. Then they would flip the script and say if you had been X, then my Y wouldn't have happened. Well, why didn't I have a Y or a Z? Because I didn't find my vows to be readily disposable.
And that is the other part of this dilemma...I meant my vows...and I believed in for better or worse...and regularly aspired to a new day every day.
I will not own another person's inability or unwillingness to repair their own issues...and then allow them to blame me for them. If you are broken or want for something, communicate it, don't cheat and then blame me. Give me a break.