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Fionarob
Dinomus - you are not being ridiculous!  But I will tell you what is ridiculous - that he has said YOU are being too demanding!!  He is your husband - you have an absolute right to tell him that if he wants to stay married he needs to end his affair and get counselling.  The fact that he is kicking against that idea shows that he is nowhere near knowing what or who he wants.  I don't think you need to repeat any of this to him in order to get the message across.  He knows that is what it would take to put things right, he is just too scared at the moment to make a decision one way or the other.

I think you definitely need to continue with the no contact - but don't give it a time frame, see it more as this is how it is going to be from now on.  It seems that within the 5 weeks of no contact he has still been able to contact you?  It's not fair - whenever he wants to reach out to you to make himself feel better he can! Have you considered asking him not to contact you and telling him you find it too upsetting?  Tell him that you want no further contact?  Tell him that when he says he is missing you it just makes it very hard for you and it is unfair on you.  Be honest and tell him that you need to get to a place of strength so that you can move forward in your life without him - that you can't do that while he is continually contacting you?
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Kalmarjan
Dinomus wrote:
 I don't know how I would word it so that I would be saying I've been hopeful we can build a stronger relationship but it can't happen if he is living with her and I won't be waiting forever. The last time I told him I wouldnt be around if she was - and that in order for us to truly work on things I needed him to cut contact with her and commit to counselling - he said I was being too demanding all of a sudden.


Fionarob wrote:
Dinomus - you are not being ridiculous!  But I will tell you what is ridiculous - that he has said YOU are being too demanding!!  He is your husband - you have an absolute right to tell him that if he wants to stay married he needs to end his affair and get counselling.  The fact that he is kicking against that idea shows that he is nowhere near knowing what or who he wants.  I don't think you need to repeat any of this to him in order to get the message across.  He knows that is what it would take to put things right, he is just too scared at the moment to make a decision one way or the other.

I think you definitely need to continue with the no contact - but don't give it a time frame, see it more as this is how it is going to be from now on.  It seems that within the 5 weeks of no contact he has still been able to contact you?  It's not fair - whenever he wants to reach out to you to make himself feel better he can! Have you considered asking him not to contact you and telling him you find it too upsetting?  Tell him that you want no further contact?  Tell him that when he says he is missing you it just makes it very hard for you and it is unfair on you.  Be honest and tell him that you need to get to a place of strength so that you can move forward in your life without him - that you can't do that while he is continually contacting you?


I would say it depends on what you want the outcome to be. Are you slamming the door, never to have a chance to return? Then cut all contact completely.

Dinomus your husband is saying you are being to demanding because he isn't used to someone telling him what their wants and needs are. I would keep the course like you write above. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your husband that you cannot continue living in hope while he flips and flops between you and the AP.

You are NOT being too demanding to ask him to FULLFILL his vows to you. It's not too much to ask that he ditch the other one and work on the two of you. It's not too much to ask that he ONLY be with you. After all, HE PROMISED that. 

Unfortunately he is being a baby right now. Boo hoo. It's too demanding that a wife ask that he set aside his affair and concentrate on his marriage without her in the picture. 

In the end, he will need to make a choice, and someone is getting hurt. He has to decide who that is, and in the meantime, a good strategy is to lay out the consequence to him:

If you continue with the AP, don't contact me. 
If you want to work on this marriage, then by all means, the door is open. But there is NO affair partner, period. 
If the affair partner stays in the picture, we go back to no contact. 

The time limit for your limerance is very small. You're damn right that I am being demanding. IF you choose to be with me, it will ONLY be me. Otherwise, sod off. 
I will be fine without you, and unlike you, I care enough about your feelings to set you free if you truly want to go and be with the AP, if she truly makes you happy. 

I don't NEED to be with you, I WANT to be with you, but not if SHE is in the picture. 

--

Be very specific, and set that boundary.  You can bet your bottom dollar that the AP is trying to do the same. But here's the thing, you have your relationship on your side. You have logic. You also KNOW who your husband is, even if he is being an ASS right now. 

And if he chooses to walk away? His loss. Yours too, but at least you know that you stuck to your needs. 

I hope that makes some sense. 
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Dinomus
Thank you so much Fionarob and Kal. Your insight is honestly so helpful. It helps make me feel stronger.
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Dinomus
So I sent him a message putting up my boundary - that I don't want to hear from him as long as she is in the picture. That I want to be with him but don't need to and will be ok ultimately and I care about him enough to let him go and be with her if that's what he really wants.
I felt good when I sent it - then realized he probably has me blocked on his phone - he tends to block me or delete my messages because the ap probably wouldn't appreciate him talking to me. It's like I became the ow even though I'm married to him.  I know that I have sent it and that's the main thing - I am being strong in what I need. At the same time I feel scared and am sitting with the realization that, because he may have me blocked at the moment, he doesn't actually care. A friend had suggested he also was messaging his "I miss you"'s because I had taken control of the situation and he wanted it back.
I feel good in sticking to my 5 weeks of nc and know that this is the only way to move forward. But I am scared and as Tim suggested in the WBYWS article - I feel vulnerable.
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Fionarob
Dinomus - well done to you, you might be feeling vulnerable and scared but you are also showing a tremendous strength in doing this.  I admire you. 
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Thrown4aLoop
Dinomus,

I know it's hard, but you are doing the right thing. Stay strong and if you need encouragement to stick to your guns, just reach out!

Very very good on you!
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