Chrissie

D-day was almost 3 months ago and at the time I panicked and did all the things Tim advises not to do.  I begged, reminded him of his obligation to his children, promised I'd work with him to save our marriage etc, and he stayed, but for the wrong reasons and he was openly resentful and angry.  After a couple of days I realised this was no life for either of us, so apologised and told him that if he wanted to leave he should and the children and I would be ok.  This resulted in a big change in him, he stopped being angry and resentful and told me that staying was his choice.  However, as he and his AP own a business together it has taken these 3 months for her to leave.  I decided I didn't want to do couples therapy until there was no more contact between them.  So we start couples therapy next week, and i want to begin with a truth session.  One of the questions on my list is 'do you still want to be with her?'.  This question haunts me because if the answer is yes I just don't think I can continue on.  I have been through so much and I'm not convinced I want to keep fighting for a marriage to a man who would rather be with someone else.

I'm not actually sure what I'm even asking.  I know nobody can actually tell me what to do. I'm just so weary from all of this.  I hate every bit of it and just don't want it to be my life anymore.  I think I just needed to offload to a sympathetic group for a bit of the love and support.  There's precious little of that at home right now! Thanks for listening.

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Robin1971
If I could reach through this screen I would give you the biggest hug ever. I don't know what to say to help you feel better. It's 6 months here. I don't know if it helps to hear someone else feels the same way? I hated hearing that, I thought " you have no idea, you do t know me, ". I still do At times.

I can give you some look into what I feel, what Ive been through, maybe this way you could look at it like we have some things in common, or you could look at it like my hubby is a bigger AS$ and you may feel a little better. Or just to get someone else's reaction of what to expect.

Please don't stress on couples therapy before it happens, in fact I think you need to stop stressing on everything before it happens it will just make you sick. I know, I have lost 20lbs that I didn't need to and shouldn't have lost and I'm still trying to just care about eating theses days. But prepare yourself with questions, not what ifs, just questions. Write them down, don't expect to get to them all in one day. If he has stopped contact with her and you say he seems to be changing, seems like that is a good sign. You are Probably going to get answers you dont like, and learn things you don't like. Last week I seriously thought I was having a panic attack because I sometimes think it's not worth it. Therapy is HARD, soooooo hard. I lived my life with people betraying me and putting me on the back burner ( never thought my hubby would be one) and therapy will bring all of this stuff out, they do not just work on affair, well at least ours doesn't. Ours wants to know you and him and how you grew up and handle situations and parents and etc. it's rough!!! But I'm hoping it will be worth it. I see so many changes in my narrsacistic husband that I NVR thought I would see ...EVER. He has seen how badly this has affected me, so badly that I am not at the place where I can tell him I love him. It is so sad to me that after being together for 22 years a selfish act can do so much damage to a person. I hope to get back to that place we were before .

I have Learned a lot about myself and him. Is therapy worth it? In reality YES. While I'm there NO. I want to leave everytime, I want to just stop. It's not fair my life is this now, it's not fair people think I'm sick because of the way I look, it's not fair my kids do not have a bubbly mom. It's not fair I'm faking it just to BE. But my kids are my world and I owe it to them to put in the fight of all fights and everytime I want to give up on us or me, I read a devotion and hope and pray that God has this because in all honesty He is the only one I can count on and he is the one who is really in control of this.

Please find just a bit of strength inside you before you walk through those therapy doors. It will be OK. You found the courage to stop begging and that was a good thing. You are worth more than he was giving you remember that! You deserve more!!!



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Kalmarjan
Chrissie wrote:
One of the questions on my list is 'do you still want to be with her?'.  This question haunts me because if the answer is yes I just don't think I can continue on.  I have been through so much and I'm not convinced I want to keep fighting for a marriage to a man who would rather be with someone else.

I'm not actually sure what I'm even asking.  I know nobody can actually tell me what to do. I'm just so weary from all of this.  I hate every bit of it and just don't want it to be my life anymore.  I think I just needed to offload to a sympathetic group for a bit of the love and support.  There's precious little of that at home right now! Thanks for listening.


I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Time and again I am reminded of what I put my wife through.

A truth session may be good, but I honestly don't think you will hear what you need to, and in particular the question about whether he wants to be with her or not.

I can try to give you the perspective of someone who was there, and I hope I don't make your feelings worse, but I would like to try and give you some insight on the thought process in my case.

After DDay, and me returning (it was pretty much almost a year after DDay that II finally "returned") I still felt the need, the want to be with my AP. It was very hard to shake.

Thing is, it wasn't from the same place as the need to be with my wife though, it was more of an obsession, or an addiction. I came to realize later it was that I was addicted to how I felt with her.

I was addicted to the fantasy and the danger of the affair, not actually her.

But, at the time of coming back, I didn't realize that. It took a LOT of soul searching to understand that.

So, it could very well be the case with your WS. From what I've read, and experienced, his "feelings" on the matter can't be trusted because he is mired in the "fog" of the affair.

To be honest, the fog of the affair lifted when I was completely honest with myself and my wife. There were a lot of painful things I had to own up to, and I still feel repercussions of things today, but through a lot of work, patience, and love, my wife and I are on the road to recovery.

My advice for now is stick to the facts. Leave some of the emotions out of it, in case you recieve an answer that you are not ready for, especially if that answer is emotionally charged. If your husband is in that "fog," then his emotions can't be trusted, because he doesn't even know what those emotions are, really...
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Anna26
Chrissie wrote:

D-day was almost 3 months ago and at the time I panicked and did all the things Tim advises not to do.  I begged, reminded him of his obligation to his children, promised I'd work with him to save our marriage etc, and he stayed, but for the wrong reasons and he was openly resentful and angry.  After a couple of days I realised this was no life for either of us, so apologised and told him that if he wanted to leave he should and the children and I would be ok.  This resulted in a big change in him, he stopped being angry and resentful and told me that staying was his choice.  However, as he and his AP own a business together it has taken these 3 months for her to leave.  I decided I didn't want to do couples therapy until there was no more contact between them.  So we start couples therapy next week, and i want to begin with a truth session.  One of the questions on my list is 'do you still want to be with her?'.  This question haunts me because if the answer is yes I just don't think I can continue on.  I have been through so much and I'm not convinced I want to keep fighting for a marriage to a man who would rather be with someone else.

I'm not actually sure what I'm even asking.  I know nobody can actually tell me what to do. I'm just so weary from all of this.  I hate every bit of it and just don't want it to be my life anymore.  I think I just needed to offload to a sympathetic group for a bit of the love and support.  There's precious little of that at home right now! Thanks for listening.



I just wanted to add to the wonderfully positive and supportive post from Robin1971 to say that I would be careful of the kind of questions you do ask in your truth session.  That's because once you have asked them, (and you might not get the kind of answers you were expecting) there is no taking it back.  In time you may find that you really don't care if he still wants to be with her, you might just take it as read that she may cross his mind from time to time and that's how it goes.  I suppose that is normal during any healing process and he is healing too.  The fact that he is wanting to work with you speaks volumes. I can't speak from experience regarding counselling, I have never been and my husband would NEVER go in a month of Sundays.
But I know where you are coming from with this question because my husband once said even if he came home she would always be there on his mind.  That bugged the hell out of me at the time, although I do think that had he come home, the really positive feelings he had about her may slowly have diminished and been replaced by more positive feelings for me once more.
Still, since I've told him I am moving on with or without him, I guess I may never know.  My door is still open at the moment but it's up to him to step through it.

You are right about this community, it is great to be able to offload and get some feedback, and I for one feel so much better for trying to help someone else, even though things are not good for me right now.  Contributing on here, takes you out of your current situation somehow. 

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Robin1971
Chrissie, Ive been thinking about you all week. I was thinking this was the week you were starting therapy. You do not need to respond , but if you see this just know that I hope and pray you got some sort of something...a bit of some good came out of therapy for yall.. And know that I'm rooting for you to have so much strength through this.
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Chrissie
Thanks Robin, you are so kind. We haven't actually started and it won't be until next week now as that was the earliest appointment we could get. However, have just found out that WH and AP have continued to be in contact even after she left the business so not even sure there is any point in starting therapy until they go no contact. I asked him if he ever intends to and he said he does. She called him Thursday morning to see how he was. I asked if he could ask her to stop contacting him and he said he didn't want to do that because she is his friend. So I said he should do whatever is best for him, but it is a requirement of mine in order for me to stay in the marriage, so to let me know what he decides. So it feels like we've gone back into limbo. More waiting while he decides what he wants to do. This is no life. The injustice of it all is unbearable.
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Robin1971
I am so sorry, I wish I had comforting words to make this better for you, all I have is my story to learn from, to compare to and I have a heart and I am a great listener. Stay strong, remember you are worth it
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johnbluedog69
im in a similar place as you dday for me was May 4th since then i have workedhard on myself to improve my faults that may have led her to make the choice to cheat. i have tried so hard to work on us for nothing she will not break away from her ap now she has had a beautiful little girl in August and the child is his so now her excuse for spending time or even the night with him is visitation with his child i guess visutation means you have to spend the night with your ap now am soo tired of trying to save our marriage i am the only one doing any of the work at this she is not honest with me or him about anything sje tells him she is staying with her grandma when she is here with me and our sons.i am ready to give up trying and move on to someone else that will love and care for me the way i do.
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TimT
johnbluedog69 wrote:
...i am ready to give up trying and move on to someone else that will love and care for me the way i do.

If all that is correct: over 4 months since discovery, that she had a child with the AP, that she visits the AP & child and stays the night, that she continues to lie to you and the AP... then I don't know about moving on to someone else (you may want to heal a bit before you do), but I would definitely encourage you to stop playing your part in what's happening. Don't be a "couple" in any way other than parenting when she is coupling with someone else.
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johnbluedog69
thanks tim i agree with you on all that.
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