Valntine66
Is it normal, odd, or individually that the BS does not provide emotional support to the WS when trying to rebuild the marriage? I have expressed my feelings of pain, hurt, joys, even anger to our pastor, my behavioral specialist, even a close friend at work who has been through what I have been through but there is no appeasement to it. When I try to share my pain with my BS, she minimizes it. Did I read somewhere that the BS should be there for the WS to help? Or am I misunderstanding it?

Last night was an example of this and I don't understand why this hurts more than any other situation that has taken place over the last 4+ months. It was Father's Day, and all my kids through the day has called and wished me a happy Father's Day but one. The day was drawing to a close, it was 10pm and we are driving back from dinner with my BS family. I commented that my daughter has 2 hours left to call to wish me a happy Father's Day. My son questioned if she wished when we face timed them earlier in the day, I answered that she did not. As a matter of fact, I waited for our oldest daughter to say it when we talked to her and her husband and their son, she did not. Then my BS made some comment to the effect of that it is not a big deal. I reminded her that she was upset and has always been upset when someone did not call her or mention to her about a birthday, Mother's Day, or congratulations on Something, or even if your hair was done. Everyone wished me a happy Father's Day but our oldest daughter. I said to my BS that it really hurt my feelings because everyone else wished me a happy Father's Day but our oldest daughter. My BS response was "whatever".

I'm the one that does not share my feelings. I'm the one listening to her feelings, I'm there to offer a shoulder for my BS, but when I share my pain to her, she minimizes it. Am I wrong to have this feeling of trying to get that emotional support from her? Again, conveying it to our pastor, or behavioral counselor, or my friend just does not do the same as expressing my feelings to my wife.

Added note, this is what got me in trouble the first time, expressing my pain and grief of family problems to someone else that provided a "shoulder". I fear I may do that again if I can't express to my BS.
Val
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UrbanExplorer
I think the response from a BS varies so much that there is no one right way. Some BS want a divorce and minimal to no contact ever, some are wholeheartedly into saving the marriage and willing to be patient and supportive as the WS finds a new normal, and some are in between, like your wife. She seems not to want a divorce but doesn't want the marriage back at this point. I would be sure not to make it sound like she's obligated to appreciate you right now. Give her time and space and just be your best self, and hopefully there will come a time when she is ready to really talk.
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Dirazz
Ilreckon, I'm not sure what "normal " is in all of this? I can tell you how I felt as a BS. On DD I saw how distraught and devastated he was. I remember looking at him from across the room and was truly worried about his state of mind. I called his brother and asked him to come because I was scared of what we might do to himself. I also made sure my children didn't find out because I didn't want to devastate them.Plus I didn't feel it was right to add to his shame.There was no reason to if it could be helped. They are both in their early teens. We were blessed enough to have a brother and sister in law who took the kids for days at a time to their house. They have children the same age and it was summer so they had a blast while we were trying to sort out the pieces here. Now when it was just the 2 of us I did let him have it over and over again. One of his friends told him no matter what stay HUMBLE. And when he did it took off the edge of my anger. It sounds like your wife has so much anger towards you now and will not give you one bit of sympathy. And I totally understand that feeling. Maybe when she makes comments like that you can just respond with I deserve that? All she can say is yes you do. Not much else to say after that. Right? My husband used to say I deserve any and everything you give me. After time I felt that there was no reason to keep beating a dead horse. Don't give up, maybe she wants to see how long you'll keep fighting how devoted you are to making things right? On DD I remember when my husband told me he would do anything and everything to show me how much he wanted us, I told him yeah for now but what if in a year I still feel this way? He said I'm not going anywhere no matter how long it takes. And he didn't.
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ConfusedInLimbo
Ileckron I can't remember how long it has been since Dday for you but I remember for myself 1-4 months after Dday I wished that my WS could feel the same pain I do. I wished all sorts of bad things on him that to empathise with him was NOT one of the things that made my list of things to do.

I can just imagine how livid and understandably broken your wife is , not that other WS are exempt, but lets be real, you are/were a pastor! I do not know the dynamic of your marriage and I might he overgeneralizing here but pastors wives are you know, placed on some pedestals in communities, churches. That for her was crushed so to speak.We as BS from the pain and anger and hurt we create so many different scenarios in our heads which are so far from the truth but imagination is all we have. Maybe she's there. It's just my thoughts to give you a different perspective from your own.

She's mad as hell. You're going to have to be patient. She's not completely crossed over to the other side by wanting a divorce but she's angry, try your best to maybe empathise with her. It's a long long road.
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Valntine66
D-day was February 11, 2016, not long ago. I get it that she is mad as hell, she was a pastors wife and enjoyed it for the most part. I crushed her and broke her. I get how much I hurt her and am blessed that she has not filed for divorce or at least talking to me. I said to our pastor and someone else, reading success stories, encouragements, and advice from here gives me hope but there are times I wonder if she will ever become like any of these success stories.

Also I see what I call false display of hope. Simply to state, she smiles, talks, and even sits next to me at dinner and occasionally "brushes" her and or leg on me but before the end of the day, her statements come out as, "Don't get the wrong idea, but...." Or, "I'm only nice because family is here and....." I'm giving her time.
Val
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Guiltguilt
To come up with a topic like this, I don't think you really, really get the gravity of what you've done, and all its consequences. When you stepped out, you tore up the marriage contract. She has no reason to give you preferential treatment in any way. I suggest you develop the "gratitude attitude" and share your problems with someone independent. I did IC for the first 7 months out and it was invaluable. Well worth the time and money.

Brutal, I know, but she doesn't need to hear your stuff unless she specifically asks for it. She's got enough going on herself.
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surviving
lleckron - I'm very sorry to say this, but you don't deserve sympathy or emotional support or whatever you want to call it.  My WH keeps trying to tell me things and I am thinking, "I'm not interested in what you have to say, since you liked her more than me, just go be with her."  I as the BS am the one that needs emotional support or sympathy.  Not the WS.  Too bad, he stepped out on the marriage, realizes that he made a mistake and I am just supposed to get over it and hold his hand.  Not on your life.  You don't deserve anything, let alone my sympathy.  I hope you don't get upset in my saying all of that, but that is what I am thinking right now.  I am having a hard time trying to make sense of my WH's affairs (with an "S"), and trying to find out if this farce of a marriage is worth it.
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Anna26
Lleckron,

I do think it's different for every BS but one thing I do believe is that the BS cannot totally support emotionally the WS, because they are already dealing with their own nuclear fallout. They can't be the confidante and counsellor, as they are just not capable of it at first.  It's a devastating blow and truly, they are the ones who need the support.  I could never in a million years be able to explain what it feels like to be so broken.

Obviously the WS does need support too, but far better to find (like Guilt says) someone else to help you through that part of it and maybe in time when all the pain has eased a little she may be able to see her way to working TOGETHER at your marriage.

When she is ready, you may be able to support each other, and I hope that things get to that point for you.
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