Kalmarjan Show full post »
Negarcia
UrbanExplorer wrote:


My AP did not come to terms with NC even after I was clear that neither of us could heal if we were still in any contact. I had to block him everywhere online and ignore his calls and emails to my work (since I can't block that, at least without looking unprofessional). Weeks later, I found that he had sent me private messages on my blog where I rarely go, and they were all about how he believes we will end up together and how he is falling apart. I didn't respond.

I came to terms with NC because I was working in therapy on my self-esteem, boundaries, and ending codependency, and I saw my AP was working against my progress if it meant I would not get a divorce right now and be with him. On top of insulting my husband and being incredibly dramatic (we should have a suicide pact or run off together), I was just done. I set a boundary!

I agree that if your H is still talking to her, he is at least in an EA. He won't be totally clear-headed and might still feel sneaky or ashamed. However, it might be a stepping stone to NC if he starts to question whether or not contact is healthy for him (ignoring for a moment that it is unhealthy for you).


I agree with both of you that he is still in the affair. I did tell him this weekend that it was his choice but unfair to me if he wanted it to work. He made a comment to me that he feels like he and I are at square one again because in his mind it's okay to talk to her. I told him it's not but he needs willing to see the other point of view. The only positive was that when I asked him if he saw her he said no but still talked to her. So at least he didn't lie.

He is about a month from telling her he needed a no contact but a month in a half with out seeing her so it's still fresh. I know you guys said it took a while for you to go NC. I am trying to be patient and want to know what he's feeling but he's not ready to share. I tend to keep our conversations civil without asking major questions that will trigger his attitude. I did ask him to seek counseling but not sure he will.
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Kalmarjan
Hurt wrote:



Kal,

What did your wife do during your affair? How did you realize your affair partner wasn't for you and your wife was?

What was your wife's demeanor as you struggled with ending your affair?

How were you treating your wife during the affair?


Sorry for my tardy reply, I just saw this now.

At first my wife begged, pleaded for me to give our marriage a chance. That progressed into acceptance, and eventually she avoided me, or even being in the same room as me.

As for how I realized my AP wasn't for me but my wife was?

I have gone completely NC for exactly 1 year now. I've had plenty of time to examine and think on this. What it came to is that with my AP, I had to work at being something I wasn't. I had to hate my wife (I never hated her) and it seemed like my AP affection and "love" hinged on how she "felt." There were always conditions that had to be fulfilled.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I hated that. Couldn't stand it. The problem is that I was caught up in "making the best of things" by trying to "make it work."

Looking back, I took the easy way out. I guess I figured that if I could make it work with the AP, I wouldn't have to go back and admit that I messed up, was wrong, and acting completely out of character. The way that my AP acted - - I wouldn't give someone like that any attention, let alone what I did.

I believe that's why I treated my wife like crap. It was me projecting my self loathing and hatred of myself onto our relationship. Looking back at what I did to my wife makes me wonder why I deserved a second shot at making things right. I'm blessed to have a wife that realized that the way I was acting wasn't who she fell in love with, but he was still there.

The weird part is that I sometimes think about my AP, but framed from regret, and anger. I wish that I had never met her, and that I never made her a part of my family's life. I think I'll always have that spectre hanging there, but it does get easier with time.

I certainly don't pine for her, that's for sure.

I hope that answers your question.
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Negarcia
Kal
How long after reconciliation did you start showing your wife affection in any way ?
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Kalmarjan
Negarcia wrote:
Kal
How long after reconciliation did you start showing your wife affection in any way ?


Things were tentative at first. I'd say we both let our guard down after a couple weeks
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