My AP did not come to terms with NC even after I was clear that neither of us could heal if we were still in any contact. I had to block him everywhere online and ignore his calls and emails to my work (since I can't block that, at least without looking unprofessional). Weeks later, I found that he had sent me private messages on my blog where I rarely go, and they were all about how he believes we will end up together and how he is falling apart. I didn't respond.
I came to terms with NC because I was working in therapy on my self-esteem, boundaries, and ending codependency, and I saw my AP was working against my progress if it meant I would not get a divorce right now and be with him. On top of insulting my husband and being incredibly dramatic (we should have a suicide pact or run off together), I was just done. I set a boundary!
I agree that if your H is still talking to her, he is at least in an EA. He won't be totally clear-headed and might still feel sneaky or ashamed. However, it might be a stepping stone to NC if he starts to question whether or not contact is healthy for him (ignoring for a moment that it is unhealthy for you).
I agree with both of you that he is still in the affair. I did tell him this weekend that it was his choice but unfair to me if he wanted it to work. He made a comment to me that he feels like he and I are at square one again because in his mind it's okay to talk to her. I told him it's not but he needs willing to see the other point of view. The only positive was that when I asked him if he saw her he said no but still talked to her. So at least he didn't lie.
He is about a month from telling her he needed a no contact but a month in a half with out seeing her so it's still fresh. I know you guys said it took a while for you to go NC. I am trying to be patient and want to know what he's feeling but he's not ready to share. I tend to keep our conversations civil without asking major questions that will trigger his attitude. I did ask him to seek counseling but not sure he will.