Devastated
My husband and I have been separated for 2 1/2 months. Married for 20. We dated for 9 years before we got married. He is the WS. DD was Jan. As far as I know the affair was physical lasted for a month while he was away on business. It had ended 15 months before I found out about it. I was suspicious for a long time and he lied to me repeatedly when asked. When I found out, he no longer wanted to try to make the marriage work- he said he is not happy, no longer in love with me, our ship has sailed. I have not been happy in our marriage off/once the the past 7 years, but can not seem to let go of "the dream". I keep telling myself a gift will come out of this and was hoping for us to have an amazing marriage. After he moved out, we have had contact just mainly thru kids and good morning and good night texts. He has shown no effort for us to repair our marriage. The only times he has met with me is when I instigated it. Tonight for the first time he sincerely apologized to me thru text and took responsibility for his actions. Does that mean we are entering a new phase? Is there a typical pattern that happens after WS taking responsibility for oneself or should I not get too excited about this development.
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sunflower07
Devastated,

I know my husband expressed some similar things. I think that sometimes the WS's think there is no possible way they can redeem themselves and they just give up hope because it seems so insurmountable to repair the relationship.

That being said, many couples are able to move forward but it is very much like starting a new marriage. My husband and I are doing better after his affair. He never moved out though. Counseling helped us some.

I also have a relationship coach who has helped me with issues I had in our marriage. A little different approach, but it has helped.
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Jennifer
It has been my experience with my husband being the WS that he spent time going back and forth between wanting to stay in the marriage and wanting to leave. I would get my hopes up that things were getting better and then we would be back to him moving out.

With that being said, the best thing right now is to focus on healing for yourself and try not to have any expectation for what your WS may or may not do. If you feel he is being genuine with his remorse then take it a day at a time and see what happens. His actions will tell you whether he would like to move forward with reconciliation.

My husband and I were able to move forward with a happier and healthier marriage after his affair. It is possible but it was a journey!
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UrbanExplorer
In the early months after my affair was discovered, I felt bad for hurting people (my husband, AP's wife, all the children), but I did not truly regret my affair because 1.) I still felt like it was the only time I freely chose a path for myself; and 2.) I was really attached to my AP. It was only after I got some time and distance from discovery and my AP that deep remorse came up for me, as in, I saw the horror of what I had done and wished I could undo it. Thus, I think you have received a small sign of progress.

I also agree that the biggest obstacle for the WS in considering reconciliation, even after the AP is out of the picture, is fear that damage from the affair is insurmountable and the marriage will never move past it to become something new that works for both partners. The WS fears always being ashamed and seeing that mirrored by the BS.
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