Sorry
My affair ended right at the start of January two years ago. 

One of the biggest lessons I have learned about coming to terms with the affair (even WS have to come to terms with the consequences of some pretty stupid choices and their far reaching consequences) was to focus on process goals. Which I could control. And not on outcome goals.

I could never be sure that my husband didn't leave but I could make every effort going forward to show him respect, and make him feel valued by my actions. Regardless of whether he saw them or not.

We have found that there has often been set backs where we revisit issues that we had thought we had already dealt with.

I discovered that you can't change feelings and thoughts but you can change how much of your energy you invest in vengeful,or self harming thoughts. 

I have learned how to show respect for my husband feelings when it comes to my working at the same place as my ex AP.

I have also learned that I certainly don't always have the answers, nor do I always get it right. But I think my efforts are in the right direction.

I have also learned that comparisons to how we are doing to how "they" are doing are meaningless.
Similarly nobody else we would accurately be able to assess my relationship from the outside. Nobody knows what happens behind closed doors. 

I stopped caring what other people thought. I have taken full responsibility for my actions. And tried to be a better wife and mother. 

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anthropoidape
My main resolution for 2018 is to be able to do handstand pushups.

No marriage goals for me; I am just going to be doing my best as a human being.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Sorry
That is awesome. I am incredibly impressed.
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anthropoidape
Sorry wrote:
That is awesome. I am incredibly impressed.


It's only a goal,  save being impressed for when it's an achievement!
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Sorry
I am impressed by rhe
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Sorry
The out of the boc
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Sorry
Box thinking not the actual goal.
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Keepabuzz
My goal is to find peace in my soul.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Guiltguilt
I see two blokes that have come a long way forward in 12 months, even if you may not think so yourselves, and please, I’m not being patronising. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
My resolution is to find a way to release the lingering pain and anger, while retaining the wisdom and compassion I’ve gained from this experience.  

While 2017 was all about self-care and just keeping my head above the murky emotional waters, I plan to make 2018 about using my new found strength and resilience to swim to shore and start building something new and beautiful.  

I still hope that will be with my husband.  And based on where we are now, and the changes he’s made it seems likely.  But I don’t think in absolutes any more.  It is a rather unfortunate (or maybe fortunate? I am not sure yet) side effect of something like this that I take nothing for granted anymore.  

One thing I do know for certain, I can’t change what happened.  But I can and will choose how this effects me and how I write it into the story of my life.  

I have made a clear choice not to let it change the things I love
most about myself - my compassion for others, my optimism and self-confidence,  my desire to seek out the best in myself and others, my openness and trusting nature.  

I want and need to be able to be my best self - so the only question is whether I can trust my husband to respect and value that person in a way that he clearly did not previously.  Right now, I believe I can.  But if that changes - I will leave.  

So 2018 is the year of building anew for me - rather than just surviving the catastrophe.  It is my fervent hope that it is for many others on this site as well.   
BS - Female
Married 26 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BrokenHearted
My goal for this year is to take better care of me, and to begin to enjoy the activities I love. I also want to finish writing my second book and get it published.

Whether or not my husband and I stay together (which I hope we do) or not, I know I am strong and can make it with or without him.

I'm also going to continue to heal and learn to live more in the present.
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Allthatremains
My first anniversary of DDay is January 1st.

I want and need to be my best self but a year into it (and to be honest somewhat freaking out about reliving tomorrow), I so question how and why I am still with someone who thought so little of me. How do they turn the switch off and then on without explanation. Lucky for me she left him first, although he somewhat stalked her, she had already moved on even though he couldn't let go. Then poof! A year ago he gets caught and we stumble messily through the first 8 months all the while he professing his love for me. But where was that love the three years prior? He said she was his good friend who supported him when he needed it. Yuck! What happened to seeking support from me or even male friends? The ex college girlfriend who he hadn't seen in almost 30 years was his choice for support from a 'good friend'? When he keeps saying he knows he needs to do his homework on himself and share it with me but never gets there, what am I supposed to make of that one year in?

I like very much what the others have written but with the New Year and DDay the same day, I don't seem to have the courage I need.
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Sorry
Wishing you a surprisingly easy day. Where you celebrate and remember your own strength.  

Affairs make slightly people do some pretty thoughtless things. Just as I perhaps cannot appreciate fully the pain that many of you are going through you need to know that is is possible for someone to detach that logical rational part of their brain and sincerely believe that it would not hurt you because you would Never find out. 

Not saying for one second that it is justifiable, morally right or acceptable just that it is possible. 

And ironically enough while doing rhar
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Sorry
That.  Still even love you 
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Allthatremains
Sorry wrote:
That.  Still even love you 

Honest question, did you ever tell your AP that you still loved your husband?
Did you spend any time on you, discovering who you were when you were having the affair or what led you down the slope of betrayal? I think it's true - that my WS just went wandering with no empathy or care of the consequences. He said he shared almost everything about our life with her. How do you come home after breaking the intamcy and trust of a marriage and just pretend like nothing's wrong? If you know these answers or can shed any light on how this happens, I would very much appreciate hearing from the other side.
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